Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

October 14, 2001

Dear Fuckin' Bon,
I am 21 years old, and about to be a senior in college. However, my grandma (whom I was very close to) died seven months ago, and ever since then, I feel like my life has been off track. My grades have suffered, as has my performance at work and my social life. I have felt very little motivation to do anything, which has really affected my life. I know that I need to get it together, but I can't seem to get out of this rut. I used to think I knew exactly where I was going, but any more I feel like I am going no where. In the meantime, I have had a really hard time dealing with my grandma's death. Everyone else in the family seems to be moving on, but I keep getting hit in the face with all of this grief and anger and guilt. The guilt is maybe the worst, and knowing that it is unfounded and nonproductive does not make it go away. I feel guilty because I could have called her more or gone to see her more, or whatever. I know that she knew that I loved her, and that I was really busy going to school full time and working full time, but I can't help thinking that I still should have been around more than I was. Anyway, I have been thinking about seeing a therapist for it, but I am not sure that I can. I don't personally think that there is anything wrong with seeking help if you need it, but I know that my family does. They think that anyone that goes into therapy is both crazy and weak. I know that I am legally an adult, but I respect my parents and their opinion of me still matters. In the meantime, I feel like I am floundering. What should I do?

-A

--

Dear A- It is SO important that you get any help you need, and as you are 21 and going to college, you should be able to do that without your family's knowledge or blessings. I wonder if you have lost anyone else close to you before, and would guess not. You're going through so many life-changes already that it's not surprising that this has affected you very much. Further, college years are transient, especially the senior year and knowing you'll be launched into the world very soon. It's a confusing and disorienting time to begin with, and having an additional loss of an important part of your family and childhood is understandably having even more impact.

I was unavailable for part of the summer, and will be getting this correspondence up first. If you are still feeling this way, please check the below and if this fits your feelings, please go see a school counselor, most campuses have great staff for just such a purpose. Grief can begin to affect you chemically (to put it in oversimplified terms) and you DO NOT have to feel this way.

I hope that in the weeks since you wrote me that you have had some recovery from your grief, but if not, you really MUST get some help. Again, you do NOT have to feel that way.

Good luck, and please let me know how you're doing, bon

Warning signs for depression:

• Loss of interest and pleasure in activities formerly enjoyed.
• Noticeable change of appetite, with either significant weight loss not attributable to dieting or weight gain.
• Noticeable change in sleeping patterns, such as fitful sleep, inability to sleep, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
• Loss of energy, fatigue.
• Feelings of worthlessness.
• Persistent feelings of hopelessness.
• Feelings of inappropriate guilt.
• Inability to concentrate or think, indecisiveness.
• Melancholia (defined as overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief) accompanied by waking at least two hours earlier than normal in the morning, feeling more depressed in the morning, and moving significantly more slowly.
• Disturbed thinking, a symptom developed by some severely depressed persons. For example, severely depressed people sometimes have beliefs not based in reality about physical disease, sinfulness, or poverty.
• Physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomachaches.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or attempting suicide. (Note: People suffering this symptom should receive treatment immediately!)

If you're feeling this way, you need to understand that your perspective is not what it should be and most importantly - you don't HAVE to nor SHOULD you feel this way. Please seek help (and if you don't like your first counselor or doc, as with any situation, try another).

bon