Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

Oct 10, 2002

So,

I'm a seventeen-year-old, Morticia Addams look-alike, full-fledged art history geek on scholarship in a mind numbing Catholic School. Because I am the seventeen-year-old, Morticia Addams look-alike, full-fledged art history geek that I am, I'm completely disgusted by the vast majority of regular seventeen year olds who unfortunately inhabit this world. This has worked to my advantage so far since not that many half-passable seventeen year olds are interested in the skinny, pale look I've got going on. The only downside to the moment has been that I am also a horny seventeen-year-old virgin.

I've given up on guys my age. Their eyes unfortunately glaze over when I start talking about literature, the Renaissance or pretty much anything else that doesn't involve their cars or the travails menial jobs in fast food restaurants. The one person I am remotely interested in is my 35-year-old 16th century history mentor. Since we've begun something of an amour lately, everyone seems to have some sort of opinion as to whether or not I should fuck someone that old. I don't see thirty-five as being that old and I am sick and tired of all these other virgins around me who have a highly overrated opinion of virginity and first times in general. Frankly I think I'd benefit much more from someone who won't need a map, a compass and a dictionary to find what he is looking for, but then again I am an inexperienced virgin writing to advice columnist for his opinion so... should I stick to people my age or christen the lecture hall after hours with the one who actually knows da Vinci wasn't a Ninja turtle?

Writing To You Because My Mother Would Crucify Me,

Snarfy.

Dear Snarf,
I say no. There are too many elements that throw the balance off on this one. I'd LIKE to say that I hope a 35-year-old "mentor" would say no to a tryst with a 17 y.o. mentee (what is that about, by the way? Is he your prof. or isn't he? If he is, red flag, if not; bigger red flag.) but I have no doubt that many 35- year-olds would love to mentor you right out of your clothing.

Here's the deal, age differences for purely sexual reasons are less important, though personally whenever ANYONE over the age of, say, 25 goes for anyone under the age of 20, great big alarm bells go off throughout the lands. Secondly, you mention that you are interested in the conversation, someone who is compatible in terms of interests. A sexual relationship would put you at a much more vulnerable place emotionally if you're invested in the conversation, no matter what your level of maturity or intelligence. Third, just because he knows about the Renaissance doesn't mean he necessarily knows his way around without that map. A lot of people never bother to look at the map even if they've had the chance. Sad but true. And I just have to say again that if that 35 y.o. man would go for a 17 y.o., that disqualifies him for a lot of things in a lot of ways for a lot of reasons.

I'm not necessarily suggesting you stick to boys/men exactly "your age", but I do think it would work out better for you if you attempted to at least get back into the same ballpark. I also think that you may want to clarify for yourself whether you're looking for a romp for your horny young hormones or whether the relationship and common grounds are important. In other words, figure out how much you're looking for an actual relationship as opposed to a deflowering roll in the hay. It sounds like the former from where I sit, and I think that your hormones could get your heart bruised pretty badly. In the meantime, get a vibrator if you don't have one, and work your own map to the point that you could help any travellers if necessary (and when the time comes. So to speak.)

good luck, and I hope it works out well for you,
bon