Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

March 12, 2002

Dear Bon,

i have been living with this controlling abusive women for 14 yrs never married because i knew there was something that wasn't quite right about her she always puts me down call me names and accuses me of creating all the problems in the relationship yells rants and raves all the time for years i thought i was loosing my mind all the girls i dated before her said i was a nice guy and that was only a few that ever were serious about just usually went our separate ways well 4 kids later IM still here why out of fear tactics she has used on me for years 1 "IM gonna take you to court and make you pay so much child support you wont be able to eat........TRUTH#1 she cant do that there is a limit. threat 2. don't leave me ill change i promise .....truth 2. nope she wont. threat 3. "she would kill herself if i leave ........truth 3 GUILT trip . 4. ill make it so you cant do anything if you leave me? truth 4 bluff. threat 5. you cant afford to live without me. truth 5. funny plenty of single men paying child support are living better on my same income than i do? of course i don't expect a reply or see this posted on your sight since it appears that women are the only victims bye your standards .........well i like to inform you men are victims too and any man that says otherwise is just trying to win a girls heart for his own selfish reasons ....feel free to reply at the email. good day

Dear Doormat,
So why do you stay? And why wouldn't you take your children somewhere safe? A woman who is that abusive to you can't be exactly the ideal mom. My understanding, also, is that women's shelters and centers will give you information and support or references, just like they would an abused woman. I do understand that you might not get the kindest welcome at first, but they will listen. but if you explain yourself (as you did here) you should be able to find someone to listen.

It's clear that part of your internal problem is self-pity, in terms of the whole whine about how "it appears that women are the only victims by [HBI] standard (Women victims whine that the world is made for men, too). If you read for content, you'll find that we think ANYONE who stays a victim and whines about it is lame, and we have a tremendous amount of admiration for ANYONE who breaks free of destructive situations and relationships. We believe in personal responsibility. What that means is that YOU are the only one who can choose not to be abused and manipulated by the mother of your children (or whoever is doing that to you), and only YOU can take steps to ensure the safety of your children.

Yes, we encourage women to stop putting up with that kind of shit, but we would encourage you just as much. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start work to get you and your kids in a positive environment. There are resources out there, and more good dads are getting custody when the mother is abusive. You need to DO it though.

And again, while I may prioritize a posting, I don't do email therapy and virtually never answer emails. Please get some help and some backbone and stop putting up with the shit, for your children if not for you. Good luck and feel free to update me if you make some positive changes.

bon