Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

December 12, 2002

I have a situation and your advice would be most appreciated. I will try to keep this short and put only relevant details. PRIMER. Been with girlfriend for 18 months. She had a drinking problem. She got verbally abusive each time she drank - she qualified for Narcissic Personality Disorder when in that alcohol influenced state (see Sam Vankin's site for real detailed info) . Whatever she did/said in that time was forgotten each time (she did not recall anything). First time I should have dumped her right there, but being a (stupid) gentleman I gave her a chance, thought she would wake up one day. Never woke up. Things repeated 4-5 times...until I got angry. Dumped her. Had to. Did not feel anything for her anymore. THEN reality got in her skull, she cried for a week, and stopped drinking. She has been the most considerate (read human) person ever since. It has been 3 months. PROBLEM. Even though she has changed and has been flawless in her conduct, emotionnally, I am still as dead as ever. I CANNOT FORGIVE. Either what she did, how she said it, and my being stupid enough for not respecting myself and letting her use words and guilt ('what about our months together, doesn't that weigh in?' I hear her saying) to keep me during those months. Now, she's flawless, she wants my feelings to go back to where they were. Yeah Right. The way I see it, she bought here on ticket on this one. I cannot see her as anything but a mistress. She does not deserve emotions from me after what she did. She kicked it out all of me, and now she cries about the result. Deal with it is the only thing I can say. So here I am. She has changed (actions). I cannot say anything on her new conduct. I know I will never forgive what I saw. QUESTIONS... can it come back? And how does it? I am all for hope, patience, and similar stuff, but man, is there such a thing as irreversible damage and thing that cannot go unpunished? My first reflex is to tell her to forget everything, move on with her life, that I cannot guarantee anything back. She loves me. I don't love her anymore. Normal. Can it get better? Just feel like I have been mind raped. Only thing I long for is revenge. Eye for an eye, William Wallace style. That is not honorable. Where do you draw the line? Can you love back somebody who did in you, even though that person repented? I don't want to fool anybody on the time necessary for my 'recovery'. Being in unknown territory, I do not have the foggiest idea of the process, time and things to come. Advice, anyone?

Thank you in advance!

Do you know what worries me? How manipulative people can put the spin on so well even in letters, let alone over time in real life. Shall we take this from the top?

She drank and got verbally abusive. That's not good and we all know it. So why did you stick around after the SECOND time? One assumes that you spoke up the first time (after she sobered up) and said that you were bummed out because of what she said. I can understand sticking around to see if it happens again, but if it does (we're only talking 18 months here) you are your own problem for continuing to put up with it.

"She qualified for Narcissic (sic) Personality Disorder?" C'mon now, what drunk ISN'T narcissistic? Even the jolly fuzzy drunks tend to want to cuddle on the couch, preferably with you naked, they don't tend to leap about being altruistic. This is very manipulative - not to mention armpit- on your part.

If she didn't remember what happened when she was drunk, it takes very little knowledge or searching for information to find out that THAT is problem drinking behavior. Again, in such a short relationship, you should have let her know that it wasn't ok with you, offered support or help and if that made no difference, you should have stopped interacting with her. What kind of martyr ARE you, anyway? Why do you think we're going to sympathize with you saying how awful *she* is when you continued dragging your mangled ass back in front of the train?

As for if she really has quit and her behavior has changed considerably after your going the rounds so many times, seems to me that says dumb you. Had you chosen to not deal with the drunken and abusive behavior after the first or second time, she might have quit when there was still some saving the original relationship. At the very least, you could have avoided becoming so hurt that you sound not only bitter but a bit nuts.

From that point on, your letter speaks of YOUR major problems. You have no emotions for her? Don't interact. Forgive? Do it or don't but don't interact. Tell her no and then Don't Interact. Who is saying she's flawless? If her, why are you interacting; if you, how would you know, you can't stand the girl. You really show your colors when you admit she's your mistress, but you can't be honest about the sex apart from the relationship. It makes you sound like you're bitterness and hurt has deranged you somewhat, and much more so that you would even BEGIN to talk about revenge. It sounds like a big disgusting excuse not to deal with your feelings and act like a decent person so you can continue having some ass when you want it. What a coward you're being. You need to get a major grip and start behaving like an adult with a brain, even if you don't choose to not use a conscience.

Your incongruous question of "can it come back" really boggles my mind. You're bitter and using this girl and angry and vengeful, and you're asking me if "love" can come back. YOUR. PROBLEM. (MAJOR.)

I advise you Don't Interact. Break off whatever the hell is going on now, and let her go and get alone with yourself so you can realize what a vengeful, hurting, bitter loon you sound like. Then get over it. Then get over yourself.

In the meantime, if you start to feel out of control in any way, please seek some counseling and try to get a grip, because you are ALL over the place, and you don't even sound convinced of your own denial.

bon