Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

December 5, 2002

Dear Fu!!*ng Bon,

Im writting for conformation more or less &a kick in the butt to do what I have to do. Im married ( second marriage) to a man that had an injury 4 years ago & hasnt worked since. He is VERY needy, jealous of anytime I spend with my daughters,always wants to know where Im going how long Ill be gone etc. Recently he came into the bedroom, woke me up yelling. He searched my purse &my daughters bedroom & found my journal & read it. Needless to say his yelling neediness & down right bad attitude has led me to look into divorce.Today I had the day off work & planned to see a friend for lunch, my husband refused to take our son to school. Said he didnt sign him up fpr preschool I did & he doesnt need it because he is already smarter then me. also called me a dumb cunt,then continued yelling & being beligerent until I said I would just take Alex with me. He then left the house with my son, didnt take him to school & isnt home yet.

He comes from a VERY abusive home & over the last 2 years he seems to be increasingly worst. I felt like I was strong, I could handle things & all the yelling & name calling would pass when he went back to work but now Im thinking his accident is only a small part of his trouble.

He is also very jealous if our 3 year old sign wants to be with me more then him.He doesnt believe a word I say, but if some one else says the exact same thing hell believe them, I feel like hes sucking my life away. I came from a home where I felt loved, my first husband & I divorced over job issues & not working through problems.He would never say the things my husband now says. Also because he is so volitale Im afraid to leave the girls here with out me ( they are teenagers & will not just go in the other room or take a walk like I do they will comment back) That starts world war three then my husband calls me at work to tell on whoever it was he had a problem with.

Although I feel my husband is good with our son now my gut feeling tells me that wont always be the case. Im worried that when I make the steps to get out of this nightmare he may become physically abusive to me. Im making a counsoler appointment, I am now on Effexor because Im so anxious all the time. I would like your thoughts advice input whatever you want to call it. Im a bit alienated because I havent kept up with many friends

Thanks for listening

Despairing

Dear Despairing,
This is a very difficult letter, and first and foremost you're right, you need professional help where you are in terms of safety, legality, and support. I've made some suggestion below.

I agree that it's probable that the abuse will continue if not actually escalate; in fact it's almost a certainty unless he or you all as a family get help. It's especially ominous that he took your child and just "took off" without you knowing where your child was. A preschooler is old enough to get at the least some serious bad vibes, and he very well may understand a lot of what's going on between the two of you. He does not need to be exposed to shouting and insults and grown-ups tantrumming.

My suggestion is that you contact a women's center or women's shelter. When you see your counselor s/he should be able to also give you advice on resources and how to be sure that you and your children are safe while you either try to work it out with your husband or work on divorce and custody. You will want to check with a lawyer about this as well, since he has taken off with one of your children even if only for few hours. Gather all of the information you can regarding safe housing away from him. It's difficult to predict if or when or who will become violent, so given that you are feeling so unsafe, I would find a way to get you and the kids away from him and then decide what to do. After that you can decide if you want to try to work things out while living at a safe distance. (that is of course if he also does and if he hasn't become more threatening or escalated, and hopefully he can work on his problems.).

A women's center or shelter or a lawyer should be able to tell you what steps to take and what needs to be done. If his change in personality is a result of his injury of four years ago or his lack of work since then, there may be treatments, either counseling or even physical treatments, that can help him if he's willing to work on it for his family. Your fear suggests that something more serious may be going on, but you need support and backup. Make sure you get it set up, though of course, if at any time you genuinely feel that you or your kids are in danger, you need to act immediately. If you don't feel that there is immediate danger, you have a chance to make preparations that make it easier on your kids and on you, and ultimately give your husband a choice if possible as to whether he can pull himself together.

The bottom line is the "strong" thing to do is get control of your home. Some things are just not acceptable and you can't put up with them, for yourself or for your children. If you can get out of the trap though, there is some hope for retaining family relationships (so your son can visit his father in safety too, or you two can work out custody issues). Good luck, let me know how things work out.

bon