Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

September 30, 2001

Dear Fuckin' bon:

I am a senior citizen and up until now, did not really qualify as a "heartless-bitch", however I am fast becoming one, because the SECOND question men (who are my age ask) is my name. The FIRST question has become, "How do you feel about (or do you like) oral sex?" And, what they really mean is, "Will you do 'it' to me?" What has happened to these old goats? What has happened to meeting for dinner, going fishing together, going out dancing, or to a movie, or just plain visiting for a while?

Sassy, sassy, sassy Sue.
What am I to make of you?

I have such a soft suvvy place in my heart(-less cavity... *wink*) for senior citizens, and especially l'il old ladies, which you're obviously not looking or acting or feeling. I hope that you're trying to sound heartless for our benefit, because we like 'em feisty, no matter what age.

IF the first question is REALLY "bla bla bla *leer* oral sex?" (wink, nudge, gack up a hair-or phlegm-ball cough cough cough cough, HaaaAAAAAAHHHH!) then why the hell are you still around when they ask your name? Aren't you ambulatory enough to get away from them? And if you actually hang in and ANSWER with what your name is (do you answer the first one? If so, you must be saying yes, or if THEY were that bad they wouldn't bother to ask you your name) you deserve whatever goat you get. This is the crux of the problem, as I see it. The timing and reason and answer between question one and question two.

On the other hand, I could see my mother (widowed just two years ago) saying the same type of thing because she married young and has no clue how men are coming on to women (or vice versa or pretzel any of that) these days.

In that case, I'm sorry to tell you that current culture is what's happened to those goats. And if they're that direct, they're the good guys, because they won't tell you that they think you're sooo, soooo FINE and ooooo, they love you so much... to get into your Depends. (I'm sorry, that's actually a private joke to some of my friends who use them, especially when they are laughing-- not directed to you personally, but it would seem your very senior status is much of the reason you wrote. The really important question is WHY?)

The last man I tried to have dinner with (on our first date), sat beside me in a restaurant booth and was all over me, "pawing" me so bad, I could not eat, not to mention embarassing me to death. I finally got up, called a cab & left him sitting there.

From this it sounds as though you must be either VERY new to dating (again?) and thus clueless, or you're sending out some SERIOUSLY wrong messages about yourself.

In either case, I'm glad you're protecting yourself, and heartlessly leaving a situation that you feel out of control in and threatened by. But I suggest that if you're interested and active and looking, you look first for some slightly younger *friends*, and get back into society enough to be more comfortable with the way things are done and how people are talking. (What kind of bubble have you been living in, woman?)

I think their blood has become so thin, there is only enough for one organ, and that one is below their belts! Their hearts & brains have to do without.

Deliciously old fashioned, and dangerously clueless (even in the kindest sense). I would love for you to write back to me and explain more.

stay safe, and stay away from spandex,
hoping to hear from you,
bon