Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

September 09, 2001

Dear Bon,
About six months ago I asked out this person who I was in love with. His reply was not definite, but simply that he felt he did not have the time to give to a relationship at the moment. Then, about three months later, he asked if the offer I had made him still held, to which I replied in the affirmative, after which I then assumed we were going out. However, I then did not see him for three days and finally I rang him to ask what was going on. His reply was that he was not thinking straight and that he had to focus on his work etc. and that he felt that he just didn't have the time because of other pressures. However, about a month ago, it also emerged that had felt let down by people in the past and was not given to trusting people easily, despite the fact that I assured him that I loved him and would wait for as long as it took. He had shut himself up in his own little world (albeit a pleasant one) and as a result of which, he felt reluctant to try anything new. I'm not entirely sure what his feelings for me are, but he says that he feels fairly 'sexless' at the moment.

This was all a few weeks ago, and as I have left the place where we both met, the chances of seeing him again are slimmer. He assures me that we are friends and that he wants to keep in touch (although he simply doesn't know when he will feel able to enter into a relationship with anyone) but it is usually me that initiates any communication. I don't know whether I should wait until he gets in contact or until he changes his mind, or whether what I need to do is to reassure him further that he can trust me and that I won't go running after anyone else. What do you suggest?
Yours, Zelda P.

Dear Z,

Forget about it.

You seem to have made a lot of assumptions throughout this relationship, and he appears to have encouraged you to do so. I am not getting much of a sense as to whether he manipulated you, but it would not be unlikely given that you felt you had fallen in love with someone who doesn't seem to actually be there. You sound like someone in a carnival mirror house - "There he is!... no, he's gone, oh, MAYBE...nope, not that time either".

I suggest that you give it up, preferably yesterday or the day before. He's not going to come around, or if he does then I promise you that like a merry-go-around he'll just keep going around as long as you stand there looking mournfully at the carousel. Why would you want to be with a guy you can't ever BE with? I think you're confusing that longing, and longing for security - for love. A real relationship which includes love and respect is NOT that difficult (or at least not in the way you describe) and I'm hearing a VERY clear disinterested message coming from him. I don't imagine you'll like hearing it from me any more than from him, but I recommend strongly that you LEAVE him ALONE and go on with your own life instead of either waiting around pining or chasing after a guy who is so obviously not interested. Based on what you describe so far, the next thing you'll be shocked by is an accusation that you're stalking him. Stop now.

bon