Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

October 8, 2002

I got an interesting set of "comments" to Hedra's Sept. 28 female flame form. Well, maybe "interesting" isn't the right word; the right word would be more along the lines of "clueless" with an unhealthy topping of some kind of transference. What really cracked me up was that I got the first email from this guy trying to sound like a whole TEAM of men, as if written in an interoffice memo, and the second one was made to look like "additional commentary". The funny part? All of this came from one source and one email. Now it's possible this bad boy cut and pasted from a conversation but I tend to think it was one guy trying to sound like a whole team of himself. Sad, sad, sad. I'll post the two blurbs in the order that I got them.

Subject: From: Female flame form

I think he should buy a phone. Or maybe mention a telegraph pole and see what happens.

This guy is a controlling influence on the whole situation. Probably designated to driving her to what she is now.

>From our point of view, you perceive her as ascetic. And you proclaim adoration for him because of some poetic justice.

>From a man, about a man, this guy is damaged goods damaging anyone else in his path.

Let's take these brilliant lines one at a time, shall we? 1. What on earth are you talking about? The man is very clear in his rather histrionic missive that SHE left him and their home and he spells out that she doesn't have to test him, that he would leave his friends, home, and family and go to her. If he doesn't have her phone number or whatever, it's because SHE hasn't given it to him.

2. I fail to see how anyone can see HIM as controlling. Whiny, needy, overdramatic, clingy and with an over-abundance of Mighty Mouse tendencies, but "controlling"? His whole letter is a testament to fear and helplessness. SHE is the one with major problems (psychological and therefore pharmaceutical, from the sound of it). She is the one who left their home and is telling him she wants him to leave his established home for her, and she is the one who is unstable enough that he asks her if she thinks she might kill him. You don't "drive" someone to that, or if you're scary and nutty enough to do so, they don't then beg you to come live with after they run away to a new life. Additionally, the whole attitude that she has been driven like a mindless sheep is sexist as well as ridiculous.

3. "Our point of view"? Who is "us"? Are you or a "group" of you (ha ha) setting yourselves up as the representatives of all men and speaking for them? (*huge moist snort*). I also don't see where you're getting "adoration" from me calling the guy clingy, whiny, and needy with a probable pattern of searching out weak or unwell women who need "rescuing" in his eyes. Having a little nice-guy-itis defensive reaction there, buddy? Oh, of course I mean all you "men"?

4. There, I knew there was only one of you. Why the big weird formatting nonsense and the pluralization, it makes you look very silly. And since I already said that the guy has a major case of nice-guy-itis, it's hardly a big revelation that he's a bit of a head case. You do read for comprehension, don't you?

And now for "inane commentary" forward which included this Part 2.

I've got it. I've seen it individuals before and I've always had a word for it. A "benevolent dictator".

I've seen enough writings and emails to spot it. And they make rotten conversationlists. They try oh so hard to use meaningful words to describe and inhibit their screwed up perceptions of others (and themselves).

6. What on earth are you talking about? First, "benevolent dictator" is two words, or a phrase. And who the hell are you even talking about, the guy who was left by his mentally unstable girlfriend? The guy who is worried about her use of medication and her history and her suicide attempts? I think you are identifying with something here, but damned if I can tell exactly what. Usually I would think his nice-guy-itis, but you want him to be the evil snaggle toothed wolf in this scenario, and her the helpless easily led victim. It doesn't make any sense with the information that is *there*.

7. I'm not sure that I'd trust your judgement or opinion on being a conversationalist. The obfuscation of your comments is weird enough, but your insistance that a woman can only be a victim is appalling, especially with the information that she has a painful history and has made suicide attempts; is on meds and ran away from home; that SHE is requesting that he move to be with her (from a stable situation to a very unstable one) and "save" her; and that SHE is the one that sent us all this information about herself. I don't know why you're identifying with her to that degree or whether you're just *that* sexist, but I advise that you pick up the clue phone, and additionally dial a therapist near you if you're really talking about your own issues under a thin veil of commentary. Your perception is a very skewed take on the information presented in that letter.

bon