Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

October 3, 2002

Dear Bon,

I've been an HBI follower for a year or so & have gotten a great deal of insight (and entertainment) out of the website ... I hadn't felt a need to communicate until now.................
I was at a local music event recently and met a woman who, as we talked & she spoke of her grown children, parents, childhood, interests, etc. seemed interesting, intelligent, and sincere. Sparks were struck and after being lost in conversation together through the entire music performance, we walked to her car and she took my hand in hers and tenderly kissed it-a completely unique experience for me which went straight to my heart. I invited her for dinner a few days later at my home and "put on the dog" as best I could, preparing a gourmet meal and very carefully chosen music, which is my passion. The evening went quite well and after a protracted goodnight kiss before she left, I had that "at long last a woman has come into my life who could be worth considering seriously..." feeling.
The following day, I called her and as we talked, she gradually related a saga of recently trying to "help" a married male friend ( a local rogue amongst the women here) get back with his wife but ended up in an intense sexual relationship with him. She freely embellished the story with the details of his prowess with much relish, as if talking to a girlfriend - throughout the conversation, I perceived absolutely no emotion relating to regret nor did I sense any consideration on her part as to what I might think or feel about this.
Naturally, I was left feeling very cold, and after a short period of disappointment, I've come to feel pity for this woman-specifically for what seems to me to be her utter "unconsciousness", not only to the consequences of her selfish dalliance with regards to the other people in the family, but also towards me. So, this brought me to the question I want to set forth for you and all the ladies of HBI: After deciding from now on to involve myself ONLY with "conscious" women, I am left wondering what (from the HBI perspective) a "conscious" woman is - what qualities she embodies over and above those of self-reliance, logical reasoning, and balance that I hear espoused on the pages of HBI.
In closing, I realize we find things out about each other sometimes sooner, sometimes later, and I'm certainly glad to have found out sooner this time; I want to get whatever knowledge I can out of this sad situation and I know you at HBI will tell me straight up what you think.

Regards,
D. K. Jack

Dear Don't Know,

It sounds like you met a really wonderful woman. Why on earth would it distress or disturb you that she talks about her sex life? Your "she gradually related" sounds to me as though you were asking for the information about her last relationship on some level, though you subsequently accused her of "embellishing". One thing that many people have difficulty with is the "don't ask if you really don't want to know the answer" thing.

It sounds to me as though you aren't very comfortable talking about sexuality, as many people are not. Did you let her know you were uncomfortable? I think it's more than possible that her "embellishments" were her way of trying to tell you both that she was interested and possibly ways to please her if she was talking about what the "last guy" did. This should heat you up, not make you cold. It also suggests a very CONSCIOUS understanding of her own sexuality and sexual relationships. Again, if discussing this made you uncomfortable, did you communicate that to her? Perhaps you simply have incompatable ideas about sex, or maybe you could have compromised.

It sounds to me as though you are the one who is not particularly conscious of the realities of sex and fully mutual sexual relationships. Clearly you have some inhibited views of how a woman is supposed to feel and behave. Why is it that women aren't supposed to have/enjoy/discuss their sexuality? As for the whole "helping a married man", unless you know the whole story (which I doubt), I have to wonder why you would judge her. SHE isn't the one who is married, he is. Whether or not he cheats on his wife and what their arrangement really is is something she may not even know. I'm not condoning being involved with someone who's married (or involved), mainly because it's rather self-destructive behavior except in the cases of established and open poly relationships. But just because she was involved with a married man doesn't mean that SHE wouldn't be monogamous in other circumstances.

Ultimately I think you may be throwing something really good away without being conscious of your own attitudes, and that would be a pity. If, however, your mind is narrow regarding certain attitudes and behaviors with woman, I agree that you are both better off knowing that sooner rather than later. Ultimately, I think that a conscious woman (or man) is one who knows their own sexuality and preference, and doesn't try to conform to moral imperative just because "they" say that "good girls don't".

bon