Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

November 12, 2002

Dear Fuckin' Bon,

I was going to write you for some advice about my ex-girlfriend's choice of current beau (expelled from high school, 3 kids by 2 different women, wants to kill his family, and registered sex-offender (non-consentual molestation of a mentally incompetent woman)) and whether I should tell her or just shut up. Then I realized that the shiny white armor was cutting off circulation to my brain...she's an adult, and it is not my job to rescue her. I don't want to see her get injured by this guy, but...it's not my decision who she dates.

I've been enjoying the site for some time. I find it very thought provoking in a bitingly sarcastic way (sarcasm is a good thing). I am a recovering "NICE GUY (TM)" who is trying to be a decent guy, thanks in a large part to the site...it really opened my eyes to why certain things happened, and who actually bore responsibility for the situation.

So do I get it? Am I being a decent guy (as opposed to the "NICE GUY (TM)")? Or have I gone too far and ended up being a jerk?

Thanks and keep up the thought provoking work,

J

Hey J,

Thanks for the compliments. It really gives me a jolly when guys write asking if they're Nice Guys(TM). Of course, it's impossible to really tell in most cases (except the clear cut cases who ARE who write us whining that women are so awful to them *because* they're nice and it's all the women's fault that they can't get any). In your case, you obviously got the point to some degree, or at least some of the point. It's good that you realize that it's not your responsibility who your ex dates, but there is sometimes a fine line between ex-NiceGuy, Mighty Mouse, and a good friend. If you are still friends with your ex it would be more than reasonable to voice your concerns... once. I can't imagine with that guy's record she doesn't know there might be issues, but I suspect he's a total manipulator/charmer/whackmobile who may have convinced her he's "changed" because she's "special" (in which case, point her to The Manipulator Files and then let it go). Of course, no matter how good a friend you are now, she probably will not listen and you need to be ready to accept that.

Bottom line, friends speak their minds, once and gently, and unless a destructive pattern continues, a friend shuts up. If the pattern continues you may have to decide at some point that the friendship is not worth it. But it does look a lot more heavy-handed from an ex, and especially an ex who admits to being a former "Nice Guy". Say it once and back off. It *isn't* your responsibility.



I do wonder why you'd ask if you were now a "jerk". Speaking your mind, being honest and taking responsibility for yourself does not a jerk make, so I wonder how you are acting that makes you wonder if you've "gone too far" somehow. Sarcasm and snarky comments can be amusing (who knows this better than us?) but it's really only funny when someone has been seriously asking for it. Otherwise one just comes off as mean. Really, since you're a fan of the site, you should be able to see that quite clearly. Some people write in that we're so mean and "bashing", when in fact the vast majority of our content is a response to someone else's stereotypical or narrow-minded thinking.



Same with not trying to manipulate or be responsible for someone else (including CURRENT friends and girlfriends) vs. just plain CARING about them. A NiceGuy(TM) wants to manipulate, a jerk doesn't give a shit at all, a good friend (or decent guy, in your phrasing) will speak his mind honestly (maybe snarkily) but not be so invested in having his friend/girlfriend do it his way that whe would become angry, pouty, or manipulative if s/he disagrees. And decent people also listen and compromise.

So you tell me, how ARE you doing? *grin*

bon