Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

November 4, 2001

Dear Paxman,
I had wanted to answer this in a straighforward letter format, but your letter is so full of stereotypes, mislabelling and contradictions that I feel many of your points are best addressed individually.

I'm an expat American man living in Japan. I'm married to a typical Japanese woman ie , she keeps her opinions to herself. Yeah right.

"Yeah right" as in she *doesn't* keep her opinions to herself, or she does? Are you trying to convince us of a stereotype, or are you saying that your "non-stereotypically Japanese" wife is non-subservient, like...well, us?

You seem to be arguing against something *WE* never said. It's a little weird, dude.

We have 3 children. I have seriously dated five American Girls and Women from 6 months up to about three years. And casually dated about ten Girls and ladies in my 26 yrs of living in the States(11 in Japan. I'm 37) before getting married.

Your point being what? This is Heartless Bitches *International*, which means we have many members from all over the world. The founders (both I think but I'm sure at least one of them) isn't (wasn't) American.

What are you comparing to, exactly, and again, why? How does any of it prove what point to you?

I found your site through a link and thought to give it a look. After reading through it I was wondering why you are so angry at men. I have had a few very bad experiences with women but I don't hold them responsible, rather I blame myself for wanting from them what they could not deliver.

Overall, you sound VERY angry at women and annoyed that we are speaking out, otherwise why did you write at all? (and again, not all Heartless Bitches are women). However, if you actually read through the site you will find that we are not "angry at men," but stereotypical and oppressive behavior -- oh, and blatant stupidity. In either gender. The most frequent coupling of "anger" and "men" come from angry men who write to tell us we're man-hating.

It's actually quite amusing.

You get a good # of hits, this is probably due to the misleading name. But I must admit, it works. It should read: "Really pissed off Western women who don't know how to get what they want or don't know".

International. Look it up.

As far as the name being "misleading," you obviously didn't get the mention(s) of "irony," "tongue-in-cheek," "satirical," and other indications that the name was adopted because speaking our minds gets us labelled as "Heartless Bitch." So if not keeping our opinion to ourselves means we're Heartless Bitches, then, hey, so be it. We're Heartless Bitches. (Internationally).

Maybe you should show this to your wife, she may want to apply. But the fact that YOU wrote cranking illogically says a lot about the true nature of your relationship. (If she's so outspoken and determined that we remind you of her, why wouldn't you show her the link as something she might be interested in?)

I run my own business as well as help arrange, prepare and witness American style Christian weddings for Japanese couples. We do this through my church and one of the things we do is counsel young couples about what marriage means in Christianity and how it pertains to todays world.

And this has what to do with anything?

While we obviously aren't *about* Christianity, but we certainly have Christian members. You keep talking about how we "shouldn't say" things we DON'T say in the first place. You can read, no?

Your site says "International" but I think that is a little off. While living in the States I thought I understood women at least a little, and all the angry things you say in your index page confirmed what I thought I knew, but I think American women would be better off trying to get what they want by being a bit less aggressive about it. I now know that I don't know women any better than I know anyone else, men or women, its just that men and women are totally different.

You imply above that "we" shouldn't call ourselves International because American women would be better off...bla bla bla. You apparently don't get that we are NOT all American, so we don't CARE what "American Women (Only)" would be better off doing, particularly in your opinion. What part of "International" are you having trouble with? At this very moment I'm answering your confused missive from my desk in Europe where I've lived for 5 years. Furthermore, the site isn't even BASED in the States, which you might have noticed if you were doing anything but whining and thrashing about defensively.

As for gender differences, we oppose stereotypically stupid behavior, exactly as you describe below. Why are you railing "against" us for something that apparently we would agree about if you weren't angry and foaming at the mouth? And why ARE you angry and foaming at the mouth if your wife apparently is similar to what we talk about in terms of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for one's own life and speaking up about it. Do you find her threatening as well?

The typical opinion of Japanese women is that they are docile, quite, dutiful servants of their husbands. But nothing could be further from the truth. Most Japanese women are very strong, motivated people who know how to get what they want.

Oh? Then why do you go on to say;

There is a saying in Japanese, it goes " Teishu, genki-de, rusuu ga ii. " It means that a good husband is healthy, hardworking and never home. So he provides a lot of money for his family but doesn't come home to cause them trouble. This is the extreme and is taken as a joke, but it illustrates the honesty of relationships in the East.

Ah, well, that may be part of the problem. Heartless Bitches want and expect, even *demand* an equal partner, not one who is absent. Not one who has the role of giving money but isn't around much. (Wouldn't that be prostitution, basically?)

Both people have to to willing to give more than they take in a relationship, but usually that is impossible.

Especially if one of them is never home. Yes, it's very difficult to give much to a *relationship* (have a dictionary?) when you aren't actually present.

You can just do the best you can. There is no such thing as a simple one sided argument and I think that your harsh words and use of profanity, is funny but misguided.

On the contrary, there is very much such a thing as a one sided argument. Your contradictory points are a brilliant case-in-point. You argue against the "Japanese woman" stereotype-- that of silent subservience-- as though we are doing anything BUT nailing stereotypes, silence, OR subservience to the wall. You use "American woman" stereotypes to debunk Heartless Bitches, and your ignorance of the meaning of Heartless Bitch to denounce American women. This is a mind-bogglingly contradictory letter. Talking to you is like trying to work a Rubik's cube. You are a one-man one-sided argument.

I dated a beautiful, blond blew ( Bon note: *ahem*) eyed, intelligent Amercan girl in college for four years, she thought that her greatest asset was between her legs, she was wrong, thats why I couldn't stay with her any longer but also the reason I stayed for as long as I did. I know that is a very harsh thing to say, but its the truth.

And this means what? You keep drawing illustrations without drawing any conclusions. From the sound of this, YOU thought that was her greatest asset too, and it was enough to keep you there for a while. Great! Who or what are you defending/condemning with this; I'm darned if I can tell. Her for being pretty and shallow, or you for it being "enough" for you for some time?

Because you teach "Christian" values these days, I'm guessing you're judging yourself as a sinner headed for hell during that time. I respect your spiritual beliefs, but to strike out at "us" in this context screams that you're bitter about feeling guilty as well as missing the human "sins" that you enjoyed then. What does ANY of this have to do with us? You've made your choice. Don't crank your engine at us at this point. It doesn't make much sense.

And...... the fact that I came home from work one night early and she was in bed a very handsome Tom Cruise look-alike, may also have been a factor.

Ah, so the *real* reason you couldn't "stay with her any longer" was because she wasn't "staying with you." You do realize this is a different issue? Do you have any clue that if you're with someone because of looks/sex and that's what you AND they value *above all else* that it speaks as much to your choice as theirs, right? You're the one who is not taking responsibility here, and you're the one who is whining bitterly about the other gender.

But recently I heard that she is on her fourth husband while I am still with my first. My wife said that I was the first man she ever slept with, I dont really believe its true but she seems to be happy with the story so who am I to force the issue?

You are one interesting guy. You're right on one hand (in regards to whether you were her first), that if true, that's fine and if not, that's fine too (that is what you're saying, right?), but if you don't really believe her that it's true, it says a little bit about being honest and her speaking up, wouldn't you say?

Our twelve year anniversary is next month and thats enough. Lust is awesome in a relationship, but add love and respect and it will be better.

Obviously, and since this is a site about HAVING love and respect for oneself first and extending that courtesy to others (and yes, bashing those who are stereotypically disrespectful), I can only say once again that you haven't looked much further than other "hate males" from other men who are whinging without reading for comprehension.

--
PAXMAN
(To your higher power): Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

(To my higher power). Please call Paxman on the direct-to-clue phone, amen.

bon