Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

June 30, 2002

Dear Bonnie,
So you don't give advice, but maybe you have some insight or something?
I left my scumbag of a husband after over 2 years of shit. We had a daughter together, and he could have cared less. He claimed that he loved her, but never gave her more than 5 minutes a day. His life and what he did was much more important to him, and the baby was MY job.
Since my leaving, he has decided to fight for the baby. He wants to try and get full custody. Why? Because he wants to hurt me, and knows that would do it.
Does he even spend the time with her that he had arranged in the temporary order? No, his mommy and daddy do everything for him, so he can go out and get fucking stoned.
My life right now revolves around caring for my daughter when she's with me, and trying to nail his fucking ass to the wall when she's supposed to be with him.
But everything I have means nothing until we see some couselor. And then it's my word against his. (not that his word means anything, but I'm still terrified.)
I want to hurt him. I want him to suffer. I want to protect my daughter from the pain I felt as a child with a worthless father.
I have thought about killing myself, but don't want to abandon my daughter. And the thought of killing him becomes more and more attactive every day. The thought of jail does not deter me...
Any suggestions? Any help? Any anything?
Please include my email address so that if any of the other heartless bitches out there have any words of wisdom, they can pass a message on to me.

Thanks,
PB

Well, I *do* give advice, but the point of the disclaimer is that if you have a serious problems or issues, you really need to get professional medical, psychological and/or legal help, and in your area. In this case, I think you need counseling (all parties involved) as well as legal advice. For yourself, clearly you are having as much difficulty with the split-up as with the resulting legal problems. If you are genuinely suicidal you MUST get help, for your daughter's sake as well as your own (and you don't *really* sound it, you sound angry and frustrated by your feelings of confusion and helplessness more than despairing). You also MUST get help with your rage if you're having serious thoughts about harming your ex. That will not help anything. Jail SHOULD deter you if you care about your daughter. Your focus should be helping your daughter transition as well, and daddy dead and mommy in the slammer for life obviously isn't going to do it.

My advice to you is if you are having frequent thoughts of violence in regards to yourself and anyone else, seek help immediately. The second thing to do is get some legal counsel as well. In some areas you can talk to a lawyer for a minimal fee (some even do free consultation) so that they can assess your needs and your chances for legally retaining primary and/or joint custody. I think that your feelings of frustration and helplessness will subside a *little* once you know what the case looks like and what's going to happen, and then you can make some more logical choices about approaching how to handle this. Usually, things will cool down after a while, and the two of you may be able to work out some kind of civil arrangement around your daughter for HER sake, which would incidentally save both of you legal fees. If you can *prove* that he leaves your daughter with his parents *often* during his custody time, I would think that would make a difference. Get some legal advice

Finally, I don't post email addresses as they come to me, or proper names. I'm sorry to tell you that nobody has ever written asking for the email of somebody featured, and I wouldn't be comfortable with either publicizing it or being a go-between in that type of situation. You need help and support where you are, not from me or via this site. I will suggest that you get in touch with some women's centers, single parents groups, divorce support, etc. Depending on where you live there may be excellent resources that you've just never looked for. If you are in a rural area or small town, look into nearby bigger towns or cities. And I'm equally sure that you can find support group/sites online, email lists, etc. that are topical to your situation. It's pretty obvious that I'm not dear Fuckin' Abby, and the site isn't Big-Heartless Brothers 'n' Sisters either. You'll get more relevant advice and support from a group MADE for that purpose, from people who are in the same situation. Your situation sucks, and you have my sympathy, but you also need to work past your grief and outrage and start genuinely focusing on what's best for your daughter and how to facilitate that.

Good luck, and let me know what happens
bon