Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

June 17, 2001

Dear Fuckin' Bon,
My fiance of six months plans to go back out on tour with the worlds biggest pop star, playing keyboards for her band. I was with him the first two tours during wich he chaeted on me with one of the dancers.
I'm not feeling this.
We had extenuating circumstances; I was in the process of a divorce; He was going to be away for at least a year; It was the beginning of our relationship, bla, bla, bla!
I believe he will not be unfaithful to me again, but there is a smidgen of doubt here.
What is really going on here?
I would appreciate some sage advice, as I am truely perplexed.
Thank you.
Mia

Hi Mia,

Well, it's a tough one, all right. I think this is one of the cases where you're asking me but you really have a pretty good idea yourself.

You know it doesn't look good. The most ominous sign to me is that he cheated on you while you were actually with him. Another really bad thing is the nature of the business, with all that adrenaline and all those beautiful people and all that partying.

The good sign is that you don't believe he will be unfaithful, and the crux of the issue is why do you think that? How well do you know him, how good is your relationship with one another? "Extenuating circumstances" could mean either that he had an EXCUSE (which would be more common, sadly) or that you two hadn't yet made a real commitment (in which case, you were both somewhat "free" to do whatever, anyway). If he just had excuses then, you can be sure he'll find new and improved excuses for the next time.

Additionally your last question raises a lot of flags and concern, "what is really going on here?". If YOU can't answer that, actually knowing the man, you *know* that I can't. If this is his job then that's what's going on. Can people in "entertainment" be faithful? Yes, of course, but you know even better than I do the temptations inherent in that business.

It seems your only choice now is whether to trust him (and worry yourself half sick), or whether you don't think it's worth it. The best advice I can give you is to not *keep* giving out chances. You're engaged, that should mean something. If he cheats now that you're engaged, you can be certain that he'll just keep doing it.

Good luck, and let me know how it works out,
bon