Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

June 16, 2002

Not that you are a vengeful person, but maybe instead of being ridiculed, I can word this in a way that will spark your interest; I'm not completely heartless...I made the mistake of taking in my bestfriend after her parents kicked her out for being a heroin addict. She has been using heroin for most of her young life and she is a weak pathetic individual all around. So, maybe some heinous maternal instinct kicked in, but I gave her a room and helped her get a job. Well, a few months go by and I have been driving her to work everyday. Three months later my grandfather gets a brain tumor and shit gets a little more complicated. I have to help my mom take him to rehab and radiation therapy pretty much every day and I can't pick Lisa up from work everyday any more. She already owed me a couple hundred bucks as well as being in debt with my other roommate and my dear friend who happened to be my landlord. So during this whole "driving family to the hospital" and all, I notice that money that I have hidden in my room is mysteriously disappearing. I expect honesty so I just ask Lisa if she stole...she says no. Then I saw her walking out of her old drug dealers house....a few hours later. I let her take advantage of me and use me. Not surprisingly, she made excuses, but when she went to sleep at her house and I borrowed some of her nailpolish, I found a bunch of wax paper bags...guess what used to be contain in those? So I open her nightstand (As much as I see this as a violation of privacy...I think it was justified) Find a needle and one of my spoons in her drawer along with a few other things that were dead giveaways. I call her parents. Her dad doesn't believe me. Lisa gets on the phone and tells me its old stuff and she was keeping it for some non-existant reason....why was she using my spoon if it was old? Right. So she confesses to her dad that night and I kick her out. She makes an oath after not having a place to live for three days to NEVER use again and her parents let her move in again. She has a week clean. Then she picks up again. Turns out she only had 38 days clean in my house in the five months she lived with me. A few things I should mention-she's 18 years old and she has hepatitis C and every time she uses she is putting her life on the line. She can't drink a beer. It could kill her-but she continues to shoot heroin. She has also given three people that I know of this very dangerous disease. She has taken advantage of so many of the people that I love, and pathetic as it is, taken advantage of me more than anyone (not trying to play the victim here, I am very readily admitting that I put myself in this situation). Theres a whole lot more to this story, but ultimately she owes me and some of my closest friends a lot of money, she's using again, she "can't" get a job, etc. So, my "question" is actually a few questions-Is there an adult way to get the money she owes me so the bills she owes can be paid; should I tell her parents (in your opinion) that she is using again; and how pathetic am I for letting this girl who was my best friend fuck me royally? I know that this isn't the kind of stuff you want to respond to, but I need an objective opinion.

Erie

Whew! I really feel for you. To start from the end of your letter, your letter was forwarded to me here at dfb. I don't think you were pathetic for doing the best you could to help her, but there are some things that people have to do for themselves, and all you can do is maintain yourself in a relationship rather than having an effect on them. What I recommend first is that if you want to or have to deal with her further you take some time and go to Al-Anon for some information and/or meetings. Addiction changes a person's personality; when you're dealing with that, you're not dealing with the person you thought you knew; they are going to lie and sneak around if they know you're on to their addiction. If you are at all close to her parents, you may want to recommend it for them too. Al-Anon is not just for family/friends of alcoholics but also deal with drug addicted folks as well. It can be really key in helping you deal with the lying and personality changes of someone you love.

After that, I'm sorry, but I don't really see how you can get your money back at this time. I think that all you can really do is hope that she gets clean and on her feet and makes an attempt to make amends. You can also try to deal with your feelings of betrayal and anger, and then try to remember the friendship that you used to have. You're a little contradictory about that, calling her weak and pathetic for using for so long but then turning around and saying she was your best friend. It's understandable to feel very confused and also ambivalent about users, but the best thing you can do is work it through and let it go for your own sake. You can't get overinvolved with an addict, there comes a time that all you can do is not allow them to harm you while staying available to *support* them. There are some things you can't do much about, no matter how well you think you know someone (or how well you used to know them).

Good luck, I hope you can write back someday and update me with good news.
bon