Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

February 24, 2002

Dear Whatever the fuck ur name is;

(Whatever the fuck my name is? It's all over the DFB page as well as part of the email addy you wrote to. C'mon now, Angel)

You seem to give okay advice so here I am w/ my heartbreak. Aprox. 5 months ago my husband started having an affair w/ a twat that had stayed w/ us in our home off and on.. Well Last month he desided to just leave myself (his wife) & his 9 yr old son, Larry. Which they have always been close... I know Jethrow (my husband) loves his son very much. But he never did say good bye to him .. Not a word.. Plus I might add that there wasn't any problems in our lifes that I knew of. We were a happy family. But to our devastation Jethrow must'a felt otherwise. Anywayz, I wanted to ask u what do I do in regards to getting Jethrow to come visit Larry?... Larry is heartbroken over this, as well as I. We don't know where Jethrow is, other than w/ her in the Hood. I can send messages to him via grapevine. Larry is blaming his self for his daddy leaving abd I talk to him and try and explain isn't his fault at all is mine. But he feels that his daddy loves Dippy (the girlfriend) more than him. I tell him he doesnt but he is a smart kid and tells me.. "Looks as if too Mom, cuz where's he at now" All I can do is hide and cry. Larry has dropped as far as his school work, he doesnt want to play baseball this yr either. I need to figure out some way to either get Dippy out of the picture or convence her to let Jethrow come see his son. Ya see she doesnt allow him to come over here.. I also don't know why Jethrow even does what she wants/says either.. he use to be such a strong willed man until he got w/ Dippy (she also is a junky, shoots speed). I am afriad he is also joining her in that matter :-(
Well thank you for ur time and please mail me some ideas on what to do. oxoxoxangel!
Angel

I am really sorry to hear about your husband, and especially sorry that he's not being a good father to his son. It's usually such an act of kindness to allow someone to stay in one's home, and it seems particularly unfair when one of the spouses start an affair under those circumstances. You need to check out the legal situation in your area in terms of divorce and visitation, as well as child support. Hopefully if you get some of this information and get it to Jethrow, he'll realize that it's in his best interest to work it out with you rather than just hiding and then getting nailed legally. It may be the only thing that will wake him up to the reality of what he's done. Legally he doesn't have the right to just walk away from his child, but you don't have to hunt him down, the law will.

I also recommend that you (and your son) get some counseling. It will most likely be short term to get you through the immediate crisis period. Your son would benefit from crisis counseling and may want someone additional to talk to, whether it's an outside counselor, a school guidance counselor, even an older relative or "big brother" type of relationship would be really helpful for him. The more support your son has, the faster he can heal from the damage this abandonment is causing.

If your husband is having a fling that's part of a some kind of "midlife" or other crisis he may try to come back on his own before too long. You are going to have to think long and carefully about you and Larry before you make any decisions.

For now, if you have already sent the message through the grapevine that Larry is heartbroken and wants to see his dad, there isn't much more you can do besides address it legally and possibly arrange visits through mutual friends (my guess is that Jethrow is afraid of seeing you, though he's probably more afraid of trying to explain all this to his son. I hope that he does take responsibility to visit soon, the longer he waits the harder it will be in terms of Larry's pain and his guilt)

Other than that, what you can do is show your son that YOU can go on. Incidentally, you do NOT need to tell him it's all your fault unless there's something major you've done that you didn't mention. (Obviously you do need to take responsibility for yourself to help him learn how to generally). You're right to tell him that none of it is HIS fault though, and you'll have to reassure him of that a lot. You can let him know that sometimes grownups split up and sometimes one leaves the other. Don't be afraid to say "I don't know" to some of the hard questions. You *don't* know, and Larry needs to see you keeping on more than he needs you to try to explain things you can't explain. If his school grades have dropped, by all means meet with his teachers, and have him meet with a guidance counselor, and let them know there's a reason for it. The sports issue could go either way; it would be good for him to stay involved but would turn into torture if he can't focus and enjoy it, so I think for the time being it's better to let him choose. You have to make sure that after a time - another couple weeks or so- he's not just hiding away himself. That's a normal reaction for both of you to be having now, hiding and crying, but you can't allow it to go on too long for either of you.

As for Dippy, she's not going to get out of the picture by anything you do or don't do, so don't waste your time and energy about her, and *don't* think that his message of "she won't let me" is anything less than bullshit. If he wants to see his child he will find or make a way.

Hang in and keep on,
let me know how you're doing,
bon