Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

February 3, 2002

Dear Fuckin' Bon,

You really know your shit.I was expecting this website to be full of the kind of venom of women who hate women, who have to be a "bitch" to feel powerful. I see you are more in support of self confidence, which translates in male understanding, "bitchiness". Unfortunately, I am not a Bitch myself. I take so much shit off the men in my life and women as well. I've been wondering if this is simply my personality, or is it something I can tackle? I liked when you said that growth isn't an overnight surprise (or something like that!) rather it is a painful process. Alas, it is hard to follow the path that is not the least resistance. Here's my question.

The thing is, you are already tackling it. You see it, you don't like it, you make a choice every day what to do about it. Up until right now you've been making the choice to go along that path of least resistance. There are no shortcuts or easy answers. Start with the things that you think are the most unfair or that bother you the most, and start saying no.

Anyone can become more assertive and refuse to take that shit, one little pile at a time.

My husband is a Navy SEAL and let me tell you he is proud to be an "Alpha" male. His constant demands on me to meet his standards of beauty are daunting, especially because we have been married about 7 years and have two kids. You know, I look more like a mom now and not the Britney Spears he feels he is entitled to (not long ago he observed my feet in their high heeled espadrilles and noted that I needed to take a cheesegrater to my heels, they were disgusting...when he felt my feet on heis skin when we were having sex they felt like a man's they were so hard...my feet looked like an old woman's feet...)So, if he is so fucking detail oriented as to the physical perfection of my FEET that has fled with my youth, and I'm only 31, well I know there is a myriad of complaints he could register against my body. It's depressing, because I already do that to myself.

The truth is that men who focus exclusively on the "imperfections" in a woman will generally do so with any woman they are with, or even after the woman changes what he was initially obsessed with. I know women who are naturally thin who get the SAME focus on "imperfections" to the point that their self-esteem is just as shot (if you're not too fat then your breasts are too small, and naturally slender women are more often called "skinny" by the people around them -- family members as well as men in their lives. If you're not too much woman, then you're not woman enough. "It's always something" ~Gilda Radner). Men who *control* you that way will always find something to complain about and to make you feel unworthy and therefore beholden. It says more about them than it does about you. As to the detailed complaining about even your feet, that sounds VERY scary to me, as he sounds like a man who will never be happy, or rather, who will never allow YOU to be happy about yourself, until you break out of the mindset and start saying NO. From what you describe I think it likely he verbally abuses you in other ways as well.

Can you discuss this with him at all? The truth is that he is unlikely to change unless and until you two can get some kind of counseling. If you can't the only thing I can suggest is that you work on yourself and let him know you ARE happy with yourself, and see what he does. If he's controlling for control's sake, you're likely to next get a threat that he'll leave you if you don't improve, because while YOU may be happy HE is not. Consider taking him up on it (the leaving), since the control is more important to him than you, your feelings, or your relationship together.

You may have to choose between leaving the man and dealing with this. If there is a genuine threat that you would consider leaving if he makes you so miserable, he may be more willing to get outside help to help the two of you work out the negative patterns that you BOTH are bringing to the equation. From the sound of it though you'll need to work a lot on the backbone, otherwise empty threats and not following through will give him even more control. Be *ready* to leave before you threaten to do so.

In either case, you really should find support for yourself, and work on your OWN self-image. By support I mean women's groups or other community activities or a counselor on your own. Once you genuinely feel better about yourself, you're going to be more assertive and less willing to stay with someone who is verbally abusing you (or at the very least, your body).

My husband is gone all the time and the way he talks to me in regards to my physical imperfections, including my weight (I am 5 foot 5 and weigh 145 pounds)I am quite sure he is engaging in some extracarricular activity. This is killing my ego. I have no solid proof but he is so stereotypical of the type of man to do this. He loves cyber porn too.

I think your relationship is in grave danger, and I really think you need to consider taking some extreme measures to try to save it if you have any interest in doing so. If you do NOT want to save it, don't just sabotage it by having your potential fling (below) but rather take responsible and assertive steps to END this relationship before engaging in anything else. You need to develop a backbone and get on your own two feet, not just slide messily out of one situation into another.

Well here's the question. There is a very self-effacing sherrif who does my evictions for me (I manage an apartment complex). He's standing in for the deputy we normally have, who is a young, handsome guy. When he (the self-effacing sherrif) showed up instead of "Tom", I asked him where Tom was and his answer was so cute, he said with mock-sadness, that all the ladies had been asking him where the pretty boy was. He's just an average looking guy, but his personality is very appealing to me. My husband is very handsome. When I called to schedule my evictions this month, I got my deputy I have a crush on. And do you know he remembered me? I asked him how he was doing and he said, well, if you really want to know, I feel old, fat, and I've got a lot of work to do! I had to laugh because I totally relate.
I need to figure out a way to go to lunch with this guy. In the event that I do, what do you think of my situation? I am not looking for another husband but rather a male friend I can screw while he's gone. That's assuming I have any luck with my making a pass at him. I think he's flirting but maybe he's just friendly. Remember, my husband I am quite sure is having one night stands if not a real affair. One month I reviewed his credit card bill and was dismayed to find a 300.00 charge for an escort service. His explanation? A batchelor party. I think someone got fucked for 300.00.
Well it's my turn.
What do you think?

REALLY BAD IDEA is what I think. An extramarital fling will ironically make you feel worse about yourself, and if/when it comes out will give your husband even more power. If you two are going to have a working "open" marriage where you both have extramarital flings, you should do it in an honest way. Clearly there is little communication and little happiness in your marriage, and the first thing you need to do is get a babysitter, go someplace alone, and have a long talk about what you both ARE doing and what you both WANT to do. From the sound of your husband, he may be the kind of man who admits to having affairs but doesn't want you to. If you start an affair, with the attendant sneaking and lying, you stand to lose regardless of whether or not he is having affairs.

Sit down and talk to him, and then decide whether you two should see a counselor; whether you two should see other people on the side (rare for it to work, especially coming from a place where there is no communication and both parties are unhappy in the first place. In (the two of) your case, you'd really just be agreeing to see who finds someone else first); or whether you two need to start working things apart but considering the needs of the children first.

(And regardless of your decision, get your *own* email.)
Good luck, feel free to update me,
bon