Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

December 26, 2002

Dear Bon,

I have never ever e-mailed someone before from one of these companies. I was so taken with the site, that I couldn't help writing something. Well..after I send it off, I checked to see how it came up with you guys and it has my full name and my e-mail address. That freaked me out!!!!!!!!!! None of this is going to get out, right???? I am putting my trust in this company, and I hope nothing comes of it. This is so scary. I do not want my full name on ANYTHING on this computer thing. It is all so big and scary!!

If you do publish or use my little rant, I really hope you guys are discreet and do not use names or anything. This will keep me up at night, for a while.

AAAAGGHH!!

Freakied

and

Dear Bon,

Regarding your recently posted correspondence with "Anagram", I suspect "A-N-A-G-R-A-M" is "A GRAN MA" of recent vintage. That circumstance may be causing renewed interaction with her Ex, and hence a new ground-swell of grief.

She may not have thought to point this out, or had some other reason to be coy about the grandchild (or grandchildren).

Just thought I'd share my reading of the tea leaves.

Yours,

Tremendously Analytical

Dear Freakied and Ms. T.A.

I now always change names and have since more or less the beginning. Thus, Freakie, you need only be concerned about someone knowing YOU well enough to recognize whatever you wrote, and T.A. (notice what I did to YOUR name?) it was interesting and may even be applicable, but I made up that handle, not the writer-in. If someone gives themselves a label or something that is obviously not their name I may use it, but if it looks anything like a "real" name, short of John or Jane Doe, I'm going to change it. I DO try to make something so that you know I'm talking to you, but it may or may not have something to do with the message.

i will like for you to write me someing thank you .

You're very welcome.

Dear Fucking, fucking bon, Okay there are plenty of down right heartless bitches out there that wanna join, but no, your internet site doesn't accept email addresses that are via web email, well i am so sorry. I am a 17 year old female who wants to join your heartless bitches site, i am at school and living at home, and don't have a 'REAL' email address. My father does but i am not the type that goes and bludge off everyone else, and i seriously couldn't be bothered to pay for a new connection in my house just so i can set up a personal email address just so i can join your site. I love your site cause it is down right true, tells the shit as it is and i wanna be a part of it, so let us use our web-email addresses so the rest of us bitches can join your inspirational rants!!!! Please contact me or post up your reply on your site Oh yeah and as part of your site you could have a 'bitch story of the week', where people write in and tell you about real live bitch stories they have had with their friends/men/families etc, it could be very interesting as well as entertaining!!!! Regards,
Snottzie-Shiny-Graphic-Sig

Dear Snotts,
You ARE "bludging" (what language is this slang in, btw, I "couldn't be bothered" to check it out for myself. [*snort*]) if you're using their connection, so why not take an extra "bludge" (heee, I'm so sure that's all wrong) and get your own email? Whinebag.

If you can't be bothered to notice the how and why of our almost non-existant requirements, why should we be bothered to let you in and deal with your other demanding self-centered shit? There are enough of those who GET in who are idiots... How did JadeSyren put it recently? I believe it was "You must meet some dismally low requirements...". You didn't. Partially because you can't take responsibility for your personal internet connections, but I'm sure your "I wanna!" attitude didn't sell any tickets either.

also, "No".

And finally, I think your "bludgies" are the least of your problems and you don't get the premise at all.

I'm contacting you because I am considering plastic surgery for my nose to look better and I want feedback from brutally honest women. Do you know of any knowledgeable, brutally honest women who can give me useful feedback? They will need to see my pics. May I send them to you via email?

Thanks.
Mr. Knose

I believe The Supreme Bitch responded to this one best when she forwarded it to me with the comment;
"Is this where we get nude pics sent to us?"

*snort*

P.S. - Knose, that would mean, please don't forward any pictures of any kind, thank you for resisting.

Dear Fuckin Bon,

I wanna become fucking iressistable. i want my boyfriend to see what hes got in front of him, and what he might lose if he doesnt keep his eye on me. any tips?

and

hey

theres this girl i like. and she means the world to me and i want to get to know her better or even date her. but dont know what to do. could u help me. i cry when i think about her. i even dream about her when i go to sleep hoping it will happen the next day.

thanks a lot

Truly, I must ask, though it is the alltime classic question, are we Dear Fucking Abby? Why no, we are not. If you haven't got enough personality, intelligence, wit, communication skills or anything else, I don't know what on earth you think you're going to get from me. Were you hoping, perhaps, for a magical spell? I don't know what you're thinking when you write me with this shit. I really think I prefer letters from Threatened Man Hood and his Boned Fuckmonsters. (never mind, you'd have to have READ the archives to know what I'm talking about and sometimes I'm not convinced that some of the people who write in CAN read.) Sheesh.

Hey, I was browsing through your site, and I wanted to write you to ask you why do you think a lot of guys brag about their penis size? My ex boyfriend would always say to his friends that he has this like "enormous" size dick and I'm like umm oook. (I am 17 by the way, if that's even relevent)

Oh, dear me. You were actually and literally "like umm oook"? I just cannot imagine the implications.

Girl, he must be your ex for a reason, do you suppose that "like umm oook" may be one of them? You're hanging with the wrong dudes. Not all guys live for the dick above all other things including relationships and good manners. You are making me feel old here. Who CARES why they're obsessed with it? Let them know it isn't a reasonable topic of interest or find someone who can talk about something that matters.