Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

April 22, 2001

I've read some of the stuff on your website and think I have a basic grasp on what its all about, empowerment issues for women, equality of thought and deed....that kind of thing. The reason I am posting is a question really more than anything, I basically want to know why women seem to be attracted to men who treat them badly, calling them names, degrading them physically and emotionally, and generally making them feel like second class citizens.

I know a "bad" guy seems more exciting than a regular guy who was taught to treat women with a certain respect, maybe even the sex is better and more exciting with an asshole guy (who knows). All I can relay is the general feeling amongst us good guys that the ones who are respectful and treat women like human beings are invariably dumped for Mr loser, user or abuser. Of course when it all goes wrong you come back to us and cry on our shoulders, in time uttering the immortal excuse "but I love him". I guess the question I am asking is do women like neanderthals with shit for brains? And if not then why does the evidence point to a different conclusion.

The late Mr Bill Hicks said it best..."chicks dig jerks"...I think that about sums it up. thanks for taking the time to read this.

p.s The word (Bitch) is a word that weak men use to describe assertive women whom they cannot handle or manipulate....and as us real men know, nothing and I do mean nothing is as sexy and attractive as an in control, in charge woman!


Michael.

)~( peace

Ahhh, Michael, Michael, Michael. You've got that old martyr complex bad, don't you? Whenever any man or any woman starts in on how the opposite sex is only attracted to the "wild" or "bad" ones, I wonder what is really up with them. People use "nice" to describe soooo many things. They want you to believe that it means kind, respectful, and monogamous, usually, but what it often means is that they're weak-minded themselves or that they have been manipulated or are trying to manipulate someone else. Sometimes it means they're just plain *boring*. The big red flags with you come up in your second paragraph. You are just chockoblock full of generalizations, whining, and bitterness, and your feelings come through very much in how all of a sudden you're writing it directly to "us" women. I think you have a lot more issues about what a "nice" woman should be and do than you do about why women aren't lining up to date a "nice" guy like you.

Chicks don't dig jerks. Unfortunately, some women, like some men, grew up in households where one or both parents were bullies or emotionally unavailable, and sadly enough, most people gravitate toward the familiar. (Until they've learned better, usually the hard way and sometimes the long way, and of course, sometimes not at all).

And there are a lot of very dysfunctional and manipulative people out there of both genders. I'm sending you some of my favorite HBI links that pertain to this subject. I think you'll find some answers to your own issues there (or find out what some of your issues are).

The bottom line for you is to first pick better friends. If someone "dumps" you for a loser, comes back and cries on your shoulder, and you allow this mistreatment, your standards for friendship are quite low. If there's that much of a dichotomy between woman "friends" in your mind and the "type" of woman you're interested in romantically, you are part of the problem.

bon

Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS

This is the classic HB "Manipulator" article - If this one bugs you, answer the clue phone

Jerks who Fuck with Your Mind - and Your Compassion: the Emotional Blackmailer

Why this girl doesn't date "Nice Guys"

and, a guy who's beginning to realize where he's going wrong and take responsibility for himself (good advice, eh Michael?)
Mark finds the perfect woman (again)