One side of a phone call between my offspring

June 27, 2008 | Filed Under Parenting, Random Silliness | 1 Comment

[ here. talk to your brother]  (passes phone) 

What are you wearing?
You are going poop?
That’s OK, lots of people get lonely when they go poop.
I know this girl who announces she has to go poop, and then grabs her cell phone.
You know, usually, I just READ when I’m on the toilet.
Did you tell [your girlfriend] that you were on the toilet?
Oh, that’s very sweet that you’d hold your poop while talking to your girlfriend.
Since the camaraderie and friendship is so tight tree planting did you get one of your buddies to push it back up in for you?
No, I didn’t say anything I just blacked out. Did you hear something?
Did anyone at least have the decency to give you a reach around?
Oh, they were catching?
No, that’s what guys say about their girlfriends.

No. No. No. It was with a girl.  You know. Shut up. You just don’t get it do you?
No. It’s with a woman. And it’s not. Though it’s just unfair if I’m not invited.
Yes. I’ll hold the camera.
(laden with sarcasm) Gee… that does sound enticing.
Did you?
Well gee golly that sounds exciting. Really.
No, they are the friendliest kinds of natives. Ask anybody.
They don’t know how to throw tomahawks anymore, that’s a thing of the past.  Now they organize their fur trading on blackberries and shit and drive around on segways.
Gee. That’s a change. Natives selling drugs. When did that happen?

How do you poop for that long? I mean, I just hate sitting on the toilet for that long. My legs get numb.
Heh. heh. That would totally suck.
That would be so unfun.
Twice.
I’m pretty good aren’t I?
yeah.
I can hear it flushing though.
Alright, bye.
I’ll think about it.
OK. Fair enough. Will do. Alright.
Bye.
Oh Yeah. Thanks. Now.
Bronze Medal.
Piece of shit.

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Best quotes from the cottage this weekend…

June 15, 2008 | Filed Under Random Silliness, The Heartless Bitch Way | No Comments

“Hey, I’m a hot-sauce wimp here. Especially given that the guys in our group measure their virility in Scoville units.”

“It would hardly be a ‘deathtrap’ if it had life-saving devices on it now, would it?” (in discussing whether or not to take life jackets out on the HMCS Deathtrap floating raft)

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And the word for the day is…

June 14, 2008 | Filed Under Social idiocy, The Heartless Bitch Way | 4 Comments

…”SHEEPLE”

as in “People who are SHEEP”.  (I wanted to say “people who are fucking sheep”, because I feel that strongly about it, but given the fact that “fucking” can be an adjective or a verb, it could give the wrong connotation and completely mislead my audience. As it is, this post alone is going to get me indexed by the pervs looking for bestiality sites).

I’ve been riding my bike to work lately and it’s given me a whole new perspective on how bad the “herd” mentality in humans actually IS. I have become even MORE convinced (if that is even possible) that most people are, in fact, SHEEPLE. 

I take the bike paths for most of my route to work, but for one part, I simply can’t. The streets are so filled with traffic and large scary buses, and narrow lanes, that I take the sidewalk for a short segment of my journey.  Now this is a LARGE, WIDE boulevard of a sidewalk. There is room for all on it.  And yet, even if I “ding” my bell politely as I approach the herds standing at bus stops, they just STAND there, doe-eyed, if they even look at me, in clusters ALL OVER the sidewalk, and most make no effort at all to move, even though there is plenty of space to step aside and let me through.  It reminded me of the cattle I used to encounter on my way to a workplace that was in a rural location.  Big, immobile and dumb as posts. They look at you with utter (udder?) vacancy in their eyes.

Fer CRISSAKES PEOPLE. FUCKING MOVE.  Show some COURTESY. Step aside. It’s not like it would COST you anything!  I’m taking an environmentally responsible option for getting to work.  I’m not going super fast. I’m just trying to get through.

And even when I’m NOT on my bike I regularly see people who are willfully fucking oblivious and self-centered and will stop and chat in front of a very busy door way or entryway where people are streaming in and out.  Could they step to one side, and not block the entrance? NOOOOOOO. Apparently they simply MUST stop right there to talk on their cellphones or chat with their friends. And we Canadians are so damn polite, we will seldom say, “Would you mind moving to one side? (You fucking clueless and self-absorbed idiot)”.   I have noticed this is particularly bad for people getting off planes. Could they stand to one side of the gangway? No. They have to stop and get their family organized in the MIDDLE of the exit ramp.

Of course, my frustration has been driven ever deeper by the fact that I have been involved in an environmental cause – a fight against legislation and companies that, if allowed to continue, could result in radioactive contamination of our food and water supply.  We have been trying to raise public awareness and just get people to understand the issues.  Unfortunately, the vast majority just want to keep their herd blinders on and really not know anything about it. They have no desire to learn or know or pay attention to what is going on around them. They are SHEEPLE. 

We periodically do information sessions, and hand out fliers.  Really simple one-page sheets that highlight the main issues and invite people to find out more through a very good website that has plenty of info.  It is staggering how many people just put their heads down and bluster past.  If you ask if they would just like some information on the subject, they mutter “no. not interested.” Especially frustrating are the “fashion victims” that travel in their own mini-herds (male and female alike), that probably know exactly what is going on in Britney Spears’ life today, but couldn’t care less about anything that doesn’t come from a mall or favorite TV show. Lately I have had to strongly suppress the urge to not jump in front of those types, stare them close in the face and loudly shout, “BAAAAAAAAAAAA!”, just to see the reaction.

Similarly, as I attempt to cycle past the herds on the sidewalk (yuppies in suits are the worst), that completely ignore the bell on my bike, I have to suppress that urge as well. 

So many Sheeple. It’s enough to make a Heartless Bitch totally misanthropic.

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“Rudeness Waiting”

June 10, 2008 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 2 Comments

One of the most annoying phone habits I have come across is the current societal addiction to what I call, “Rudeness Waiting”. 

You know, that “service” that is otherwise known in the industry as “call waiting”?

I have lost count of the number of times I have been on calls with people only to get, “Hold on, I have another call coming in.”, only to be put on hold for some period of time, or dumped out of the call altogether. Once I got fed up and hung up because this happened 3 times in one (not very long) call. Another time I said very quickly, “NO. Let them go to voicemail.  I said, LET THEM GO TO VOICEMAIL.”, and I could tell this was a completely foreign concept, but I was pissed off and made my displeasure quite known.  This is especially frustrating when THEY are the people that called ME in the first place.  It’s like some bizarre Pavlovian effect – they hear the beep of another call and they simply HAVE to answer it.  

I don’t have rudeness waiting on my home phone, and it is on my mobile only because of work.  Even so, I almost never preempt an existing call with an incoming one. 

I mean, REALLY folks. Unless you have some kind of multi-million-dollar financial deal going down, or a relative at death’s door, or an emergency at work, do you HAVE to take that other call just because it is coming in? (Especially when the person you are speaking to is calling long distance?)  What ever happened to basic courtesy? 

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Engineers in the Mist….

June 5, 2008 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy, Random Silliness | 2 Comments

The bf is, *ahem*, somewhat quieter than I am. [Understatement Alert!]  Perhaps it’s an “Engineer” thing…

Let me put it this way, his OWN MOTHER said,  in front of him,  “[bf] was late to start talking, and then when he did, he didn’t have much to say.”

His sister-in-law says that when she was dating his brother back in high school, all the bf did was *grunt* irritatedly at her.

But for all that, he’s not typically *shy*. He loves to go out to parties or dancing or to concerts.  He loves to observe and listen and laugh. He never appears uncomfortable in a crowd, and he’s quite able to give presentations to large groups of people.  He just doesn’t like to make small-talk.  This is not to say that he is uncomfortable speaking when there is something he has to say, and he’s highly articulate both verbally and in writing, he’s just very economical with his spoken words.

Sometimes that extends to him grunting, using facial expressions or pointing at things when trying to communicate with me.  I am, shall we say, MUCH more verbal than that. And while I am getting better at interpreting his sign language and expressions, it doesn’t always work for me.  I have been known to say on occasion, in response to a series of grunts and pointing, “I have no idea what you want.  Use your words.”  It is good that I had children, as I have prior experience in trying to coax verbal communication out of non and pre-verbal humans.

Last night he had a conversation (oh the irony!) with my son’s gf (for whom I just bought and presented the XKCD T-shirt, “Just Shy. Not Antisocial. You can talk to me!”) about their mutual intense dislike of “making smalltalk”. My son’s gf laughed at the shirt, but insists that she should have one  that says, “Just Antisocial, Not Shy. Don’t talk to me.”  However the “conversation” was mostly one-sided even in that instance. She exclaimed how inept she felt making small-talk and how it ended up causing her to feel like she came across looking and sounding stupid (She is anything but!) because she’d blurt out inane things to try and make conversation, and the bf responded by putting his hand out, palm up and giving me the emphatic, “There! See? That’s what I mean!” expression, combined with the, “I-*totally*-get-it-and-I-feel-your-pain”, look and nod towards her. 

I’ve become very good at reading his expressions, though I still don’t have much patience for the pointing and grunting.

Then again, there are other occasions where we absolutely connect with completely minimalist conversation.   A case in point:  In mid-January, on one of my rare “drive to work” days, I offered to pick him up on my way home.  He got in the car, buckled up, and said nothing as we drove off.  The conversation that followed was EXACTLY this:

 After a few blocks I said, “Did you read the ThinkGeek newsletter today?”. 

He responded, “I read it last night.” 

(Thinkgeek periodically sends out newsletters with tidbits on a bunch of new products.  This newsletter was no different. The had a whole whack of cool new things in the store.)

We drove a couple more blocks through downtown traffic in silence, and then he said, looking at me, “You KNOW we are going to have to get them.”

I immediately replied, staring intently at the road, “They are sold out.”

Him, “No! Not already.”

Me, “I’m on the waiting list.”

There was a pause in the conversation.  He finally said, “Our friends will vomit.”

Me, “Isn’t that the point?”

He grinned.

We drove the rest of the way home listening to the music on the radio.

(One week later I got the email that they were back in stock and I placed the order.  Yes, I know, not terribly Heartless of me… but it was worth the looks of utter disgust on our friend’s faces.)

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I despair for the state of humanity

June 3, 2008 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 4 Comments

A friend who loves “dark” movies, suggested we go see Standard Operating Procedures (SOP) last night. What a charming, and “light-hearted” movie. Not. (Then again, despite being the queen of dark, she found my recommendation, “Osama” to be too depressing, so I think we are about even.)

Despite some harsh reviews, what I found so difficult about SOP was that people were so willing to “go along” with what their superiors or even comrades were doing, just to fit in, even when it involved degrading, hurting and humiliating other human beings.

And while nobody over the rank of staff sergeant was indicted in the Abu Ghraib incidents, and I am in no way EXCUSING the heinous behavior, they WERE nothing but scapegoats for the REAL shit that went on in those prisons. The atrocities that were never captured on camera.

Even more disturbing than the shit that goes on in the name of “justice” is the SHEER IGNORANCE of the US public regarding the actions and behaviors of their administration and the atrocities enacted on the behalf of “US interests” and “National Security”.

Shortly after 9-11, I was at a retreat in the USA. People were in a “sharing circle” talking about the twin towers disaster, genuinely ignorant of the kind of atrocities that have been perpetrated in other countries on behalf of the “USA”, and beseeching, “But we HELP so many other countries. WHY would anyone want to hurt us?”  Not having a CLUE that their government does things like send CIA interrogators into third world countries to train the dictator’s henchmen in torture, er, “interrogation” techniques.  Not aware that their government (or big business interests supported by their government) will support repressive dictatorship regimes, that KILL dissenters, so long as they allow US-Owed/backed companies to operate unimpeded. Not aware that their government supported “rebels” to take down the Nicaraguan Sandinista government, not because it was communist, but because it wouldn’t “play ball” with US conglomerates, despite the fact that with the Sandinistas in power, for the first time Nicaraguans had universal health care, education and a lower infant mortality rate than the USA. 

 No, I can’t imagine WHY any other people in the world might have a DIM view of the grand old US of A.

The soldiers in Abu Ghraib, who were charged, WERE nothing but scapegoats. Sure, they may also have been sociopaths, sick, and depraved, but what they were caught for, was NOTHING compared to the REAL atrocities that took place at that, and many other prisons in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Guantanamo.  What is just as disturbing as what was NOT captured or punished is that which was labelled as “Standard Operating Procedures”. Apparently, humiliating, degrading, and torturing by sleep deprivation, water torture, and psychological torture is just A-OK by the US govt. standards.

I swear, this really harkens back to Cynthia Heimel’s famous words, “There is nothing worse than a man who thinks himself a victim, because victims think it is within their rights to fuck everyone else over.”  It is patently obvious that the current US government regime sees (or at least portrays) themselves as victims – especially post 9-11 – and as such, is putting the country in a position of “raging from victim-stance” as a nation. Abu Ghraib is a prime example of the kind of crap that results. They think that their own victim stance makes it OK to do whatever they want to their “prisoners”, without regard to things like evidence, a fair trial, human rights, dignity. Heaven forvend anyone should do that kind of thing to an American, but it’s A-OK to do it to someone else. As long as you suggest they are a “suspected terrorist”.  Yeah, I despair for the state of humanity.

Does no one else see the insanity in this double standard?

It’s a damn good thing I don’t have a heart or it would be aching.

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