The bumper sticker that saved me $90

January 30, 2008 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 5 Comments

As some of you my know, The Bus and I have been dating for a while now, and for the most part, it’s my primary mode of transport to/from work.  My green granola friends are all thrilled that I am taking the environmentally sensible option (yes, cycling would be more friendly, but is downright impossible during the winter here).  But in truth, the reason I take the bus is because a) the drivers here are STUPID and at the end of a hard day, I find fighting downtown traffic to be aggravating in the extreme, and b) my work doesn’t pay for parking, which is about $8/day – the bus is $3.80/day.

That being said, there are times when I do need to take my car – running around in the east end of the city, boxes of stuff to pick up or ship – that sort of thing.

Last week, I had one of those days.  Things ran later than expected. I had a meeting at 1pm and I was rushing to get into the office. As I came into the city from a freeway off-ramp, I got tagged by a cop with a radar gun.

DAMN. 

I was doing 70km/h in a 50 zone when he tagged me. (it was one of those nasty zone-changes that goes from 80Km/h to 50Km/h, and he dinged me just as I was slowing down). It’s a $90 fine for 20Km/h over the limit.  And I haven’t had a speeding ticket in 12 years.  Ouch.

He walked up to the car, chuckling.

huh?

Somewhat mirthfully, he says, “You were doing 70 in a 50 zone.” 

Ok, I’m not used to a cop LAUGHING while giving me a ticket.

Unnerved, I replied, “Damn. thought it wasn’t 50 until up here – I pointed further ahead to the next zone sign.  I was slowing down for that sign.”

Still chuckling he said, “What do you do?”

I was puzzled.  “I work for a software company – down here in the market”, I responded somewhat hesitantly.

Laughing out loud now, “Where did you get that bumper sticker?”

I had to think for a second.  “That? Oh, at Carlingwood…. It’s TRUE though!  People here are TERRIBLE about tailgating. Drives me nuts.  When I saw that bumper sticker, I just HAD to get it.”

Barely able to contain himself he said, “I’m going to give you a warning this time. Just for that bumper sticker. Best laugh I’ve had all week.  You have a good day and slow down.”  And he went back to his car, still chortling.

The bumper sticker that had tickled his funny bone?

“If you are going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.”

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Curvy confirmation!

January 11, 2008 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 4 Comments

Ahhh it ain’t necessary, but validation sure tastes sweet when you get it:  Curvier women have smarter kids and live longer.

Good thing too, because I’ll never be a stick-figure.  Just not going to happen.

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I just don’t get it…

January 6, 2008 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 3 Comments

Before Christmas, I received what started out to be a _great_ membership application. This woman really seemed to GET it:

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
  Heartless Bitch.  Sounds downright cold and uncaring but unlike many people out there, I understand the reality (and dichotomy) of both the adjective and the noun.

I refuse to compromise my principles to ease my path because at the end of the night when the house is quiet and I begin poking into those personal thought-places that no one exposes to the world, I have to allow myself to be vulnerable to my own inspection and be accountable to myself for whatever it is that I find there.   I’m not so vain as to imply that I am pleased with my every action, however, I own my choices, work to learn from them, and I actually like the person who looks back at me in the mirror when I awaken the next morning as a result.

I think society and the media in general need a swift kick in the ass.  I will be what I am, regardless of what round hole you want to shove this square peg into.  I think a great deal of my heartless bitchiness was borne through the genuinely heartless (and dollar-grubbing) diet and fashion industry.  Some day the world will learn that being healthy is healthy, beauty isn’t a look or a brand, and not every person wants the same manufactured shape, size, look, and style.

I find that truth (as rare as it is) is something to be polished and untarnished.  Just as I value those who are honest and forthright with me, I value that quality and push hard to maintain that within myself.  I have no problem communicating the truth – even the difficult and even painful honest bits to those I love as long as I believe it is necessary for them to hear it.   I am still capable, however, of delivering that truth in a constructive way that encourages action and empowerment. 

I believe that feminism should be a literal translation of the word, not a handbook for man-hating.  I profoundly appreciate and honor those who suffered, sacrificed, and even died so I could have the rights I do today but I refuse to allow the fact that I am indeed female to bitch and whine about how unfair the world around me is to my gender.  If I see a problem, I work to fix it rather than kick back in my apathetic lazy-boy and whine about it all day.

Which leads me to what may be the deal-breaker of deal-breakers to the HB community, however I certainly hope that is not the case.

MY choice was to willingly submit to the man in my life.  I don’t hide it from the important people in my life.  MY choice was to give to him every part of me that I could possibly give – without reservation and without regret because in relation to *him* specifically, it is where I feel the most natural.  There are many who sit back and tell me I give women a bad name because I choose this place – to them I reply that it was MY damned choice and if that is where I find fulfillment, I’m going to stay there.  I don’t believe it is a “woman’s place” to be where I am.  I don’t believe my choices are right for anyone other than myself and I refuse to live a life less fulfilled to make the masses happy. The MTV-driven, mannequin-like sheeple can all pack sand for all I care.  My life isn’t theirs to live. 

I’m a lot of things to a lot of people.  I have many different hats, however, I wear each one with dignity and self respect – especially the tattered, comfortable old cap which reads “Heartless Bitch” across the front in bright, bold embroidery.

Ok, my first response is this: WHAT. THE. FUCK?  I mean, WHY even GO there?  Why drag out her personal life unless she is looking for validation, or spoiling for a fight? Instgatrix said it best, “Why go there? If she’s such the Rugged Individualist she claims to be, much less refer to it as the “the deal-breaker of deal-breakers to the HB community”? Unless you’re trying to grab the Misunderstood Martyr pole-position, I mean.”

What the fuck does “submit to the man in my life” mean anyway? Her lack of explanation (after having gone down that needless road) speaks volumes.  Is this the whole surrendered wife thing? Is this a D&S thing?  I fail to see how on EARTH a woman can truly embrace and embody the whole concept of PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY and then abdicate all responsibility for her life and her decisions within a relationship to her husband.  As Instgatrix said (and I fully concur with her sentiment): “I am at a loss as to how that crap could possibly co-exist (in a cogent mind, that is) with any sort of progressive or feminist ideals.” (Regardless of any bracketing she may have done).

To make things more interesting, she emailed us after the last round of updates, inquiring as to WHY she was not accepted. It makes it sound to us like she is not so much interested in the answer but looking for ammunition so she can have herself a little lip-quiver over how Horribly Persecuted she is.  It sure doesn’t make us think that she’s just been sitting around hoping against hope to be Understood At Last by some smart and fierce feminists.

It’s a shame. Some part of me wants to know why and how such an obviously intelligent woman could get so completely fucked up when it comes to truly accepting responsibility for her life and her choices.

She was SO close…

(Thank-you for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts…)

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More Movie Reviews

January 2, 2008 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy, Movie Reviews | No Comments

Despite our recent “Girls Horror Night Out”, I haven’t actually seen all that many movies lately.  I used to head out to the local repertory cinema for “films” (as my friends would call them – you know, the ones where you usually have to read subtitles), at least twice a week.  These days, I just don’t have time. Lately it seems that when I *do* see a movie, it’s usually on one of the movie channels on TV.  Not generally high-quality viewing, unless it happens to be IFC, but sometimes a girl just needs to watch some mindless entertainment, right?

I’ve seen some BAD movies that way – I recall one bf looking at me after a particularly lame movie and stating, “Now THERE’S two hours of our lives we’ll never get back.”  But I’ve also seen some real gems.

One such gem is “Hard Candy” with Ellen Page – a brilliant young Canadian actress who is best known for her role in X-Men, but in my opinion is an actress who has amazing talent and potential. (She also rocks because she “considers herself to be a Feminist and tries to steer clear of the stereotypical roles for teenage girls because she finds them to be sexist”). Hard Candy is not for the squeamish, and virtually every male watching will be VERY uncomfortable, but it’s an excellent psychological thriller. The premise is this: Hayley,  a  brilliantly smart but crazy 14-yr old meets Jeff, a 32 yr old photographer in a chat room.  She agrees to meet him in person after chatting online for 3 weeks, and then convinces him to take her back to his place. Convinced he is a pedophile, she drugs him and ties him up in order to expose him, and ultimately decides to torture him.

While it starts off slow, Hard Candy develops into an intense psychological roller-coaster ride.  I really don’t want give too much away, but the performances were stellar, and Hayley is one twisted Heartless Bitch.

As a side note, just before Christmas I was invited to a premiere showing of “Juno”, also starring Ellen Page. It was absolutely delightful.  A comedy about a 16-year-old disaffected teenager who is too smart for her peers, Juno decides to have sex with Paulie, her best male friend. Paulie (played brilliantly by Michael Cera) looks like a deer in the headlights the entire time, and of course, Juno becomes pregnant. She decides to continue the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption.  This is not your typical teen-comedy that revolves around scatological humor and slapstick pratfalls -the dialogue is witty and quote-worthy, the characters are 3-dimensional and the story engages the audience completely. The soundtrack is highly original and cracked us up – the song lyrics are hilarious.  Definitely worth seeing.

Less on the “gem” side, and more just some ass-kicking gratuitously violent fun (if you are into that sort of thing), is Quentin Tarantino’s 1/2 of the “Grindhouse” double-feature, “DeathProof“, starring Kurt Russell, Zoe Bell, Rosario Dawson, Vanessa Ferlito, and a whole host of other characters.  Kurt Russell plays Stuntman Mike, a psycho ex-stuntman who stalks and kills women with his “deathproof” car. Until, of course, he meets his match in the form of three Heartless Bitches.  In classic Tarantino fashion, it’s over-the-top violent, gritty and sexy.  Zoe Bell is a stunt woman and she plays herself in this film, doing some pretty amazing stunts as well.  While I’m not a person to recommend revenge in real life, in this movie it’s decidedly sweet and nasty.

Now, of course, I have to see the other 1/2 of Grindhouse, “Planet Terror” (which I just received for Christmas!), simply because of the trailers where you see a woman with the machine gun strapped to the stump of her thigh taking out zombies. Now THAT’S my kind of Heartless Bitch!

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