Politically Obstreperous

August 31, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 1 Comment

True Confession:  I really really would have loved to have gone on “Politically Incorrect”.  They called me once about the show – during ratings sweeps week, but decided in the end to go with a higher profile guest.  Damn.  That would have been the icing on my cake.  I would delivered more than a few verbal kicks to the frontal lobe, I am sure.  I would have ROCKED.  (I have been told that I “give good interview”, so I’m not being unrealistic about my abilities. And I DID take theatre in HS, after all.)  Unfortunately, they cancelled the show shortly after that so I never got the chance for an appearance. Damn.

I haven’t seen his new show “Real Time with Bill Maher“, but from the web site it looks much more watered down – not anywhere near the same tenor as “Politically Incorrect”. 

Two weeks ago there was a call for “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet”, a nationally syndicated show out of NYC, but I was just too damn busy and they called with just 2 days notice. This Heartless Bitch needs more lead time than that (You saw what I have been doing the last two weeks).  I have a life you know. And a schedule (that feels like a fucking treadmill at times, but I wouldn’t have it any other way).

Politically Incorrect would have been a helluva way to make my television debut. I’ll just have to hold out for something as suitably controversial and accepting of my, er, “style”.

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Where did the summer go?

August 30, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 1 Comment

It’s been a crazy last few weeks and I feel I owe the readership an explanation for why I have been so remiss in updating the site and adding new members.

After my layoff in May, I decided to take the summer off – at least from a job where I earn wages. It’s not like there weren’t calls and offers, but I wanted something more interesting than the last job and I didn’t want to start work until September. The bf was horribly jealous. He kept referring to me as “semi-retired”. I wasn’t sponging off him – I had some reserves to live on financially, and I used those to pay my share of the bills, etc. I did, however, go on his benefits plan, despite his grumblings that I was supposed to be his sugar momma. Screw marriage – putting someone on your benefits plan – now THAT’s commitment. And fair compensation considering that two weeks into my “semi-retirement” he came home from work and said (with a glint in his eye), “You’ve been off for two weeks now and you haven’t had my dinner ready once yet.” I noticed that he made sure he was out of range of my right foot (my roundhouse kick is deadly). I looked at him coldly and said, “Do you have a death wish?” It’s a good thing he’s so cute – it helps repress the urge to strangle him when he’s trying to push my buttons.

Though I did get in a few days of fishing, (and a 5-day trip to Rome) it was not a summer of sloth. (I am chronically incapable of lounging in a chair doing *nothing*). I went after household projects that were on my “todo” list for the last 5 years or more…

On that list (and completed):

  • Refinish the front door (a work still in progress as I await the new lockset)
  • Put end-post caps on the fence around the hot tub
  • Put in a sprinkler system front and back (thank-you Lee Valley!) – the bf helped with the back
  • Assemble that glass mosaic coffee table kit that I have had sitting in a closet for at least 2 years (thank-you Karen for the kit, and Donna for the help!)
  • Put in a new closet organizer in our bedroom
  • Complete several small projects around the cottage (such as make more light in the outhouse, build a new ladder for the HMCS Deathtrap, and put beer holders on the Deathtrap as well)
  • Reorganize the main office (a work in progress)
  • Pressure wash the fence (still have to sand down parts of it but I’m waiting for orbit sanders to go on sale)
  • Reorganize the bike area in the basement and haul stuff to recycle depots
  • Refinish the front steps in a GraniteRock finish (Beauti-tone lies – it’s NOT 3 EASY steps. It’s 2 Easy beginning and ending steps and a BRUTAL middle one)

And still, I feel like I didn’t get enough done.In the midst of all of that, I have had a friend staying with us, hosted a BBQ rib cookoff (more on that in another column), had my son visiting (his gf was here for the summer working and living with us) and had half my family plus one extra arrive and stay with us for the Canadian National Canoe and Kayak championships. (Word to the wise, NEVER call it “rowing” – it’s PADDLING. One of the girls had a T-shirt that said, “K1 – If it were easy they’d call it rowing”). At one point we had 14 people for dinner. I had to institute Kitchen Protocols to ensure that we didn’t run out of dishes. Fortunately, my brother handled most of the cooking for the crew so it was a great relief.

The last 3 weeks were the worst – my oldest son was in town for part of it and I wanted to spend time with him. He’d brought a bunch of our old 8mm home videos and we spent some time recording them and transferring a few to DVD. I still have many more to go. At this time, people were coming in and leaving from the airport on various days, the event schedule was variable depending on whether or not my niece, nephew and sister-in-law made the finals (and I wanted to see them compete), and the bf’s parents came into town to meet my mom and hubby and we all went out to dinner one night and brunch the next day. Oh yeah, and we had to go Toronto for a day and a night for his grandmother’s 90th birthday as well.Sound just a bit hairy? But wait, it gets better.

Add to that mix that in the midst of it all, the bf finally had his shoulder surgery for the spontaneously dislocating shoulder and his arm must remain immobilized for the next six weeks. (I had to sponge bath him for the first week since he couldn’t get the bandages wet – or at least that was his excuse.). The bf also can’t drive with his arm in a sling, so the major running around is up to me for another three weeks, as is cleaning the litter boxes, mowing the lawns, tying his shoelaces for him every morning, and virtually anything else that requires two hands. (Don’t even MENTION velcro or slip-ons. Been there, done that.)In there as well, I have been working on the details of my new job and setting up the necessary meetings, etc. to ensure my start date on Sept 4th. (Finally I get to work for a company where people’s eyes won’t glaze over if I tell them what we do!)

As if I wasn’t swamped enough, my youngest called two weeks before he was due to arrive and said he wanted to delay coming here to taking his college program till January because he’s fallen in love with a girl who is there on a work visa and she leaves in November. *Argh*. This involved all kinds of lectures from me (which of course fell on deaf ears. He’s “in love” after all…), and ultimately resulted in me having to juggle plane schedules, etc. I told him I’d personally fly out there and destroy any chances I have of getting grandchildren from him if he doesn’t show up here in January. I also told him I’d do the same if he gets her pregnant. It seems her mother made similar comments to that effect.

Ah yes, and August 31st is my corporate year end as well. The fun never ends. All that being said, I wanted you to know why the site hasn’t been updated. As you can see, I’ve been just a tad busy. (And tenuously hanging onto my sanity at times). But I can see the light now at the end of the tunnel, and I’m fairly certain (though not 100% positive) it’s not a train. I’ve started digging into the 183 pending membership applications and going through the sorting process. I hope to have the site updated with the latest approved members by tomorrow afternoon, barring any crisis which might derail my good intentions. And I’ll even have some new “Auntie Dote” columns and movie reviews to add as well.Now if I could just find a decent music editor. People keep sending me promo stuff for review and I just don’t have time for it.

Š

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Nature vs Nurture (Nature Wins – hands down)

August 30, 2007 | Filed Under Parenting, Random Silliness | No Comments

 (A conversation my youngest had with a co-worker): 

“What’s with you and your brother?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you are both so different. It’s like he was raised by nuns and you were raised by bikers.”

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Shifting Shit…

August 17, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 4 Comments

My mother sent me a link to this video last week (and if I could get this damn implementation of wordpress to embed video, I would)

glumbert.com - Shift Happens

It reminded me of a theory I have about why there seems to be so much more ADD and depression and anxiety disorders and 41 flavours of Autism out there these days: I think it may be due, in large part, to "information overload". From the video:

"It is estimated that a week's worth of the New York Times contains more information than a person in the 1800's was likely to come across in a lifetime."

I don't think that our ape-brains are ready for this. (Or at least MOST of the ape brains out there aren't ready for it). We only climbed out of the trees around 50 to 100K years ago, and that's the blink of an eye on the evolutionary scale.  With so many reptilian hindbrains still running the show, it's doubtful our race is ready for the information onslaught that is upon us and growing exponentially. Hell, we haven't even evolved out of tribal warfare, flinging poo and territorial pissing matches.

I'm going to posit that the Darwinian "fittest" will be those precious few who can not only survive in information onslaught, but also have the capacity to filter to get at the critical information and focus on getting the most important tasks completed (without getting distracted by IM, cellphones, YouTube, email, Facebook statuses, etc.).  It will be those who can see the trends and shift before the shit comes raining down.

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Birthday Bliss

August 15, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | No Comments

I have to say that the bf simply *rocks* when it comes to birthdays and just in general. It makes up for all the times he totally tries to wind me up (and sometimes succeeds).

This year for my birthday I had mentioned that I wanted to do something nice and romantic – just the two of us, and I indicated a couple of restaurant options that I would enjoy. 

Two days before my birthday, the bf took me, my son and my son’s gf out to dinner at one of the aforementioned restaurants. I didn’t know where we were going – it was a surprise, so I also didn’t realize that he didn’t know the location, and he shot right past it in the car.  When he seemed genuinely lost looking for the restaurant, he finally had to concede where he was taking us, and I explained that it was “back there”, and he had over shot by several blocks.  Regardless, we made it on time for our reservation and the meals were exceptional.

For my birthday itself, he told me that he was taking me out to dinner, just the two of us, but the location was a surprise.  I was to be ready at 6pm, dressed for “casual fine dining”…  I knew it had to be just the two of us because all of our friends were away camping/cottaging.

When he arrived home from work that day, he told me I would also need a pair of jeans, “for later”. I still had no idea what he was up to.  We got in the car and eventually I figured out where we were going – it was the other restaurant I had mentioned, and it was not too far from our cottage.  Of course, to make things truly entertaining, we had to stop at the monster Home Hardware store in Perth, just because.  I was a tad overdressed for the detour, but enjoyed it anyway because I love poking around the place too. (They always have the coolest stuff on sale, and I’ve found some great bargains there.).

When we got back on the road, he shot right past the nice restaurant and pulled into the parking lot of a diner about 2 kms down the road. I questioned why he was pulling in here and he said, “Wasn’t this the place you said you wanted to go?”

“Uh, NO.”

“You’re sure?  I thought it was this one.” 

“No. It’s the one we drove past.”

He looked genuinely conflicted. “Are you sure you don’t want to have dinner here?”

“Definitely not.”  I generally can tell when he is pulling my leg, but this time I wasn’t sure if he really had screwed up. After all, the other night he really DID drive right past the other restaurant because he didn’t realize exactly where it was.  Had he really forgotten which one I had mentioned?

He turned the car around and headed back to the nice restaurant.  The parking lot was packed as he pulled in, still insisting he really thought it was the other place that I had mentioned.  Now I was worried. It was a friday night and you usually can’t get in the place on a weekend without a reservation.  To make matters even worse, as we were approaching the restaurant, I let him know that I thought my period was about to start (the cramps had just started). I seldom pay attention to when my period is supposed to start because my tubes are tied and pregnancy is not a concern.  This time however, I was caught REALLY off guard because I didn’t have any sanitary products with me. “Don’t you have them in your purse?”, he asked. 

“No, I didn’t bring my regular purse – I brought the minimalist one, and it doesn’t have anything in it.”

Of course, this WOULD be the day I decided to wear a white skirt.  Damn it all to bloody hell. Literally.

We got out of the car, and he went around to the back and opened the hatch. From a bag in the back, he pulled out a tampon and a panty-liner and handed them discretely to me.  I was flabbergasted.  “I thought I’d pack them just in case.” While I stood there looking stunned, he looked thoroughly and exceedingly pleased with himself.

As we walked up to the restaurant door, he said, “It’s a good thing we have reservations.”  The bugger.

The dinner was simply wonderful, and afterwards we drove to the cottage where he cracked open a bottle of ice wine, and gave me presents from him and his family.  (I now have the airbrush I wanted!). In addition he gave me two books – one on cleaning and dressing game (I had almost bought it for myself a while ago), and one on “how to fish” that is simply fantastic.  It’s just a brilliant book that explains everything about fishing for the kinds of game fish we have here in Ontario.  Fishing is my meditation. When I fish, the rest of the world disappears.  I can spend hours out on the boat or standing on shore fishing. I’m not very good at it, but I love it.  And now, with this book, hopefully I’ll get better. 

After opening presents, we changed in to jeans and went down to the dock with a blanket and our wine to watch the Perseid meteor shower, which, in my excitement I had totally forgotten about.  Just for my birthday, there seemed to be no mosquitoes.  The only sound was the splashing of frogs and the occasional howling of a distant dog. It was so dark you could see the Milky Way.  And the meteors, of course. It was one of the best birthdays, ever.

The next day we drove back into town, packed up some camping gear and headed out to a friend’s farmhouse cottage up near Mt. Tremblant.  There were 15 of us up there for the weekend, and on the Saturday night, they surprised me with a fabulous set of cakes (one chocolate, one rum cake) and MORE PREZZIES.  Among the great gifts were gadgets, Season 1 of “Bones”, fishing gear, and gift certificates to LeBaron’s (hunting and fishing outfitters), and Lee Valley Tools – two of my all time favorite stores right now.  Using my new book as a guide, I’ve already mapped out a bunch of gear to get with my gift certs. To top things off, J gave me a bottle of Ouzo as payback for the bottle of Fireball Whiskey I gave him on his birthday. (It was evil, I know). With it being Greekfest right now, I think that Ouzo bottle is going to get opened and some of us are going to be seriously hurting the next day. If I’m going down and out on Ouzo, I plan on taking J and a few others down with me.

Opa!

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Chipmunks, Campfires and Zombies, oh my!

August 7, 2007 | Filed Under Parenting, Popculture, Random Silliness | 6 Comments

My oldest son has now finished his second year of that fine Canadian rite of passage: Tree Planting.  He arrived late Sunday night, and early monday morning we drove up to the cottage.

Me: “Isn’t that a cute little church? I just don’t get why there is a church and graveyard out here in the middle of nowhere.”

Him:”Oh no. A cottage. I forgot. You know that that means?  ZOMBIES.”

Me:”Zombies?”

Him:”Yes. They ALWAYS get you at the cottage.”

Later that night as we were down by the water with flashlights looking for this enormous old snapping turtle that sometimes comes out a night…

Me:”I wonder what’s making noise over there?” (I shine the light towards the neighbors) “It’s probably just chipmunks. But maybe it’s zombies.”

Him:”Well, it can’t be zombies. They always moan. Ohhhoaaaahohhhhhhh.”

Me:(shining light on the treeline across the bay)”What if Zombies started coming out of the woods right now, just as I’m shining a light on them?”

Him:”That’s the point in the movie where you just book it back to the car, and barely make it in time – you slam the door and zombies are crawling all over it while you hit the gas.”

Me:”Hmmmm. I don’t even know where my car keys are right now.”

Him:”Shit.”

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Fucking Brilliant

August 1, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 1 Comment

Thanks to Fiona’s blog, I found Gaping Void – I spent far too much time reading and laughing.

No shit.

 How to Lose Your Girlfriend 

 

Ain’t it the truth? 

 

Oh gods – He has SOOOO completely pegged an ex of mine with this one:

 

AMEN!

I couldn’t have said it better:

 

I think we all know a few “Rogers”

 

Truer words were never spoken… 

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