More comments from the readership

May 3, 2009 | Filed Under Fan Mail, Reader Responses | No Comments

From: “Jacq”
Subject: COMMENTS – thanks for a great site

Dear HBI,

I found your site today, bouncing in on a random blog weblink, and have just had a joyous few hours of reading some of the most hugely entertaining & thought-prodding pages i’ve read anywhere for a long while.

So thankyou. Really. I was cruising the magazine aisles at the supermarket again today, flicking through sci-fi titles & a ‘customise your PC’ mag (for once with no curious guys wondering if I’d got lost looking for the women’s aisles) and I couldn’t resist trawling the women’s titles. Ngh, yes I know, but done in the spirit of enquiry to test if any of them (oh god please, any) had anything remotely interesting to say.

Admittedly that’s an exercise a bit like going back to sample your own ear wax – never any good the first time and repeated testing won’t make the experience any more palatable. However I do like to keep my rile-quotient up and this is a good way to achieve that (naturally *the* best way being to read internet comments, there’s so much anger in cyberspace i’m amazed it doesn’t just explode in a volcano of worldwide vented spleen and cover half the world in abandoned apostrophes and a petrified layer of ‘teh’s).

Of course the offending items (sic) were all full of diets, body-hating mantras, celeb-watching-body-hating, celeb-diet-secrets, celeb-baby-routines, secret-body-hating-celeb-baby-exercise-diet-watching. Er, did I miss out a buzzword in any of those combinations? I suspect they’re written by random-phrase generating subroutines, hell if it works for mission-statements it’s going to be sufficient for the limited range of concepts allowed  anywhere near one of those glossy ana-adverts.

I keep threatening to take some pre-written post-it notes and slap on a few salient comments in a non-permanent protest against the overwhelming tide of pap. A sort of futile one-woman Wake Up Call attempt to prod some schmuck addicted to the promise of A Better Life If You Look Like This!’ to question if they really, really are happy reading the same laxative-induced anal leakage week after week?

See how a simple thankyou so easily turn rantwards?

You’re corrupting me with your insidious HB philosophy that life is supposed to be fun. Shhhh! Don’t make me laugh so much at your acerbic asides to the utter twonks whose email excerpts you share; don’t make me use my brain to distinguish fine subtleties in behaviour that differentiate emotionally abusive behaviour from the healthy relationships we’d like to aim for; certainly don’t make me question my own behaviours when some are mirrored and mentioned and shown up to be not quite as healthy as I would have liked to think. Well, you just went and did all of that. So for that you can just be roundly applauded, so there. Tough cheesy wotsits.

And, not content with beginning a sentence with a conjunction (see? I even need the Grammar Fairy), I’ve bookmarked your site and intend to come back and have a thoroughly enjoyable read again very soon. Not an ‘effin diet in sight, unless it’s how to bake flakey pastry made from the fat harvested from celeb cosmetic surgery. Mmmm. Would love to get that article into the glossy weeklies. Sense of humour my non-lipo’d buttcheeks :P

Mackette The Knife

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Stupid email of the day

March 29, 2009 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy, Reader Responses, The Heartless Bitch Way | 1 Comment

From “Bob Charlie”

Subject: i want in. legit
To: nataliep@heartless-bitches.com

i write music and poetry, and am a reflective individual who can
add a confident gentle side to your lovely website. bitches.

Bill Moran

From the editorial review board:

“Really, just a troll. All those strange nom du trolls.” – Fabulana

“Reflective? is he covered in silver? Inquiring minds want to know…” – Natalie

“Check out the spelling of his surname.  If you change just one letter, you’d have his definition.” – The Morrigan

“Honestly, it took me a minute to even get that far, because the subject had irked me. YOU want? Yeah, –way to pay attention to shit, dood. Just stride on in and make demands. “Legit”? I think he’s lookin’ for the wrong kinda Hammer Time.” – Instagatrix

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Anger alone doth not a Heartless Bitch make

October 30, 2007 | Filed Under Reader Responses, The Heartless Bitch Way | 3 Comments

We get somewhere between 30 and 80 membership applications each week (depends on what web site has posted a link that week).  Sadly, far too many fall into this category:

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
  I have been a victim of domestic violence.  I am tired of being the caring, loving supportive partner of voilent offenders.  I have turned into a cold heart bitch with men.

One Liner:
  Most men are lower forms of human life.

Yes, she’s been burned. Yes, she’s angry, and she’s vowed (at least in this application) to not make the same mistakes again.  Bravo for recognizing that she doesn’t have to put up with assholes.

But does this make her a Heartless Bitch? 

She’s been a victim in the past and despite all her rage, (she’s probably still just a rat in a cage) and she hasn’t really dug her self out of that mentality.   Yes, she’s realized she should not be putting up with the shit she has in the past. But that’s just the first step.  She has yet to acknowledge her own role in allowing herself to become a victim in her relationships.   Unfortunately,  too many women (and men) get to this stage, and find it’s just too easy to blame all their woes on an entire gender, rather than admit that THEY made bad choices.

As Instigatrix so eloquently put it,

“She hasn’t gotten to the point where she can understand that the raging assholes that have found her and/or that she’s found are not stand-ins for ALL men. (In fact, they’re not men at all, IMHO; they’re pissy bully-boys in man suits.)”

In essence, our applicant blames men for why she has turned into a “cold heart bitch”. But this shows she ISN’T taking responsibility for her choices. She’s just traded in one form of victim-hood for another.  The men in her past no more “made” her a “cold heart bitch” than she “made” them hit her.

The moment a person falls into the “You made me this way/you made me do it” trap, no matter how angry they are, no matter how much righteous indignation they exhibit, they are not empowered – they not truly taking responsibility for their actions and their choices.  What’s more, when someone rages from victim-stance, they run the risk of becoming the same kind of asshole that fucked them over.  They tend to focus on “getting back at” whoever hurt them, and getting what they believe they are “owed”, rather than moving on with their lives and putting their energy into something productive.  Our applicant thinks she’s getting back at men but the one she’s hurting the most is herself.

Yes, anger is important in the recovery process – it can be a vital tool for self-protection – as long as you don’t let it become all-consuming. As long as you use it to accomplish something positive.  However, far too many women fall into the trap of using the anger and indignation as a crutch (and barrier to intimacy) that they never really get rid of.

To quote Instigatrix once again,

“She’s deep in an ‘anger’ stage, and if she doesn’t get past all the rage, no matter how  justified it was, she’ll end up mainlining shit that’s way too similar to the junk that abusers shove into their own collapsed veins on the regular.

She HAS taken, it seems, a very important first step. But it’s VITAL to her well being that it NOT be the LAST step. It’ll probably take some time for her to move on, admittedly, but IMHO she really needs to take that time. At this point, I don’t think she’s a heartless bitch; she’s a bitter, angry bitch, and that’s an energy-burner and, eventually, a soul-destroyer.”

Just because you were victimized, does not mean you have to remain a victim.  Victim-hood is not like alcoholism, where once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.  You CAN shuck off the bonds. 

Look at your own attitudes and ask yourself, am I a victim, or am I a Heartless Bitch?  It’s really your CHOICE.

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Englightening “Nice Guys”

March 13, 2007 | Filed Under Reader Responses, The Heartless Bitch Way | 4 Comments

The “Nice Guys, BLEAH!” section of HBI gets a tremendous amount of traffic.  Oddly enough it was not created because we are evil, nasty women who just love kickig small helpless animals and spineless men.  It was spawned as a response to an overwhelming number of whining complaints from self-professed “Nice Guys” who see not only us, but all women as damaged and wanting only assholes.  While education may happen as an offshoot, our articles here are meant to show that the emperor has no clothes. If an individual decides to learn from our observations, well, that’s their choice. 

That being said, I think that perhaps 1 in 4 “Nice Guys” who read the HBI section, actually get it, take responsibility for their own behavior, and figure a way out of their dilemma that does not involve becoming a beer-swilling, womanizing asshole. 

From time to time men from either camp (the “oh shit, I get it” or the “raging in denial” camps), will write.  Sometimes the authors of those emails ask reasonable questions.  In this particular case, I figure if one guy didn’t get it, probably there are a whole bunch who didn’t, so I’m going to clarify it here.

    Gustavo writes:  

    Hey, I had read this article a long time ago and learned from it. Recently revisited and learnt a bit more. But my question refers to this paragraph, which I just can’t decipher:

    The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue… But love isn’t mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: “Who would want to go out with someone who was inherently unlovable anyways?” 

    The last part, I get lost on what it refers to. I interpret that there are many people which can adequately replace you in the relationship, but after that, I just can’t understand what it says. Even if the relationship ends, you’ll still love her and something else, specially the quote in the end, that I can’t tell what it refers to exactly. I know you may have past this moment in your life, but could you shed a bit of light on that part for me?

If you perceive that YOU are the only person who can truly love a woman, and you tell her that, then what you are really telling her is that she is inherently unlovable by anyone else but you.  Get it? You are telling her that it isn’t anything special about HER that makes you love her, or that allows you to love her so deeply, but something special about YOU that makes you able to, when no one else can.  So, in fact, you aren’t complimenting her, you are subtly insulting her.

The ironic question comes into play because, when it comes right down to it, why would you want to get involved with someone who is, by your own definition, inherently unlovable?

I hope that clears things up.

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Short, But Not Sweet.

December 11, 2006 | Filed Under Reader Responses | No Comments

>Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2006 06:55:44 -0800 (PST)
>From: jamie
>Subject: Comments: I want to be a bitch 

>I just got dumped because I was too nice… I’m sick
>of it and want to learn how to be a bitch. Any advice?
>or books you could recommend?
>Thanks,
>~Jamie Lee

Read HBI.  (duh)

heartlessly,
-Natalie

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