Random Canada Day Silliness…

July 2, 2008 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy, Random Silliness | No Comments

Canada Day here is our equivalent of the US “Fourth of July”.   Living in the nation’s capital, we do it up, Bigtime.  Parties everywhere, tens of thousands of people thronging the streets, and given that the weather was FINALLY decent for a day, it seems that everyone (AND their dogs) were out enjoying the weather.  Some people hate the crowds, but a number of our friends enjoy going out, seeing the sites, and enjoying the mayhem.

Our day started with a group “breakfast”, at 12:30, at a pizza place.  I know. The irony kills me too.

(Well, in reality, the day started out with the bf making me late, but I won’t go into THAT here…)

Then we *sauntered* down to parliament hill (the bf insisted we SAUNTER rather than walk at A’s usual break-neck pace).

We arrived in time to Steve-o, our less-than-illustrious PM arriving for the festivities. *MEGAYAWN*.

So we left the crowds, (and the smell of the port-a-cans) behind and went to another popular location, “Major’s Hill Park”.  Unfortunately, it was a complete and total zoo as well, and K just wanted to sit down somewhere and not fight crowds… The bf wanted to see if they had “lumberjack” shows on again this year, so we circled the outside of the park down to the show area, and found some guys doing hip-hop/breakdancing.  Nope. no lumberjack poles.  Ah well.

The requirement for a place to sit and drink beer was voiced, insistently, and since nobody objected, we made our way to a pub on Sussex, and proceeded to stay there till around 4:30pm.  Then a few of us headed off to M&J’s for their now infamous Canada Day back yard party which includes killer margaritas and yummilicious burritos.  Of course, after LAST year’s “incident” involving desecration of a Canadian Flag, the bf has sworn off tequila AND as such, the killer margaritas.  It wasn’t until this year that I learned the margaritas are 75% alcohol.  Well THAT would explain why last year I felt like someone had hit me over the head with a brick the moment I stood up!  This year I limited myself to just 3 margueritas over course of the whole evening. 

On the way there, we wandered along the Rideau Canal towards the “drunk bridge” which would we would have to cross to get to M&Js. The “Drunk Bridge” as the bf calls it, is a footbridge put in just last year, that connects the Univeristy/Residences with the other side of the Rideau Canal – ostensibly to Elgin Street, where many of the bars are.  In other words, most people crossing from Elgin to the University side at night, are probably *staggering* across.

There are a lot of interesting people about on Canada day, and this time was no exception.  As we were walking down the canal, we saw a guy hustling past us in a red dress.   I guess I missed the first one because the bf said, “That’s the second guy I’ve seen in a dress along here. I wonder what’s going on?”  We could see another guy coming towards us in a patterned but mostly red dress, with what we THINK was a woman in a red dress beside him… Yep, something was definitely going on.  As the guy passed, I realized that it was a former roommate of mine.  I told the bf this after they’d gone by.

“Really? He looks really OLD”.

“He’s 9 years younger than me.” (the Bf is one year younger than I am so I can still claim to be banging a younger guy).

“He still looks really old.”

“He was much cuter when he was younger.”

“He didn’t seem to recognize you.”

“If he did, I suspect he wouldn’t have the courage to say two words to me anyway.  After all, I did kick his ass out.”

The bf gave me that knowing nod.  The “I’d probably not want to cross you again if I’d pissed you off once before” look.

We made it across the drunk bridge without incident, and without running into any more men in dresses.  When we got to M&J’s there were jello shots waiting patiently for takers.  *sigh*  And here I am, facing the fact that I have a 9am meeting tomorrow morning.

Though we had cheap tickets to a parking lot party back in the market, and I would REALLY have liked to see The Cliks, in the end inertia took its toll and we stayed drinking and talking to people at the party.  The food was fabulous, but I paced myself on all fronts. 

Eventually we all departed (except our delightful but exhausted hosts) for the fireworks at 10:00pm. This year I could walk there by myself, unsupported by A.

On our way back to the car I spotted a woman walking in front of us with 4″ high heels that had red satin straps wrapped/tied around her ankles.  I noted that they were very festive – very “Canada Day” in their redness, and that I rather liked them, except that I couldn’t imagine walking 3 meters in those shoes, much less 3 blocks.  T said, “Yes, but *she’s* probably a trained professional.”

To which A (my son’s gf) said, without skipping a beat, “Yeah, and I’ll bet it involves a pole.” 

That girl is coming along just FINE under my tutelage. 

 

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One side of a phone call between my offspring

June 27, 2008 | Filed Under Parenting, Random Silliness | 1 Comment

[ here. talk to your brother]  (passes phone) 

What are you wearing?
You are going poop?
That’s OK, lots of people get lonely when they go poop.
I know this girl who announces she has to go poop, and then grabs her cell phone.
You know, usually, I just READ when I’m on the toilet.
Did you tell [your girlfriend] that you were on the toilet?
Oh, that’s very sweet that you’d hold your poop while talking to your girlfriend.
Since the camaraderie and friendship is so tight tree planting did you get one of your buddies to push it back up in for you?
No, I didn’t say anything I just blacked out. Did you hear something?
Did anyone at least have the decency to give you a reach around?
Oh, they were catching?
No, that’s what guys say about their girlfriends.

No. No. No. It was with a girl.  You know. Shut up. You just don’t get it do you?
No. It’s with a woman. And it’s not. Though it’s just unfair if I’m not invited.
Yes. I’ll hold the camera.
(laden with sarcasm) Gee… that does sound enticing.
Did you?
Well gee golly that sounds exciting. Really.
No, they are the friendliest kinds of natives. Ask anybody.
They don’t know how to throw tomahawks anymore, that’s a thing of the past.  Now they organize their fur trading on blackberries and shit and drive around on segways.
Gee. That’s a change. Natives selling drugs. When did that happen?

How do you poop for that long? I mean, I just hate sitting on the toilet for that long. My legs get numb.
Heh. heh. That would totally suck.
That would be so unfun.
Twice.
I’m pretty good aren’t I?
yeah.
I can hear it flushing though.
Alright, bye.
I’ll think about it.
OK. Fair enough. Will do. Alright.
Bye.
Oh Yeah. Thanks. Now.
Bronze Medal.
Piece of shit.

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Best quotes from the cottage this weekend…

June 15, 2008 | Filed Under Random Silliness, The Heartless Bitch Way | No Comments

“Hey, I’m a hot-sauce wimp here. Especially given that the guys in our group measure their virility in Scoville units.”

“It would hardly be a ‘deathtrap’ if it had life-saving devices on it now, would it?” (in discussing whether or not to take life jackets out on the HMCS Deathtrap floating raft)

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Engineers in the Mist….

June 5, 2008 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy, Random Silliness | 2 Comments

The bf is, *ahem*, somewhat quieter than I am. [Understatement Alert!]  Perhaps it’s an “Engineer” thing…

Let me put it this way, his OWN MOTHER said,  in front of him,  “[bf] was late to start talking, and then when he did, he didn’t have much to say.”

His sister-in-law says that when she was dating his brother back in high school, all the bf did was *grunt* irritatedly at her.

But for all that, he’s not typically *shy*. He loves to go out to parties or dancing or to concerts.  He loves to observe and listen and laugh. He never appears uncomfortable in a crowd, and he’s quite able to give presentations to large groups of people.  He just doesn’t like to make small-talk.  This is not to say that he is uncomfortable speaking when there is something he has to say, and he’s highly articulate both verbally and in writing, he’s just very economical with his spoken words.

Sometimes that extends to him grunting, using facial expressions or pointing at things when trying to communicate with me.  I am, shall we say, MUCH more verbal than that. And while I am getting better at interpreting his sign language and expressions, it doesn’t always work for me.  I have been known to say on occasion, in response to a series of grunts and pointing, “I have no idea what you want.  Use your words.”  It is good that I had children, as I have prior experience in trying to coax verbal communication out of non and pre-verbal humans.

Last night he had a conversation (oh the irony!) with my son’s gf (for whom I just bought and presented the XKCD T-shirt, “Just Shy. Not Antisocial. You can talk to me!”) about their mutual intense dislike of “making smalltalk”. My son’s gf laughed at the shirt, but insists that she should have one  that says, “Just Antisocial, Not Shy. Don’t talk to me.”  However the “conversation” was mostly one-sided even in that instance. She exclaimed how inept she felt making small-talk and how it ended up causing her to feel like she came across looking and sounding stupid (She is anything but!) because she’d blurt out inane things to try and make conversation, and the bf responded by putting his hand out, palm up and giving me the emphatic, “There! See? That’s what I mean!” expression, combined with the, “I-*totally*-get-it-and-I-feel-your-pain”, look and nod towards her. 

I’ve become very good at reading his expressions, though I still don’t have much patience for the pointing and grunting.

Then again, there are other occasions where we absolutely connect with completely minimalist conversation.   A case in point:  In mid-January, on one of my rare “drive to work” days, I offered to pick him up on my way home.  He got in the car, buckled up, and said nothing as we drove off.  The conversation that followed was EXACTLY this:

 After a few blocks I said, “Did you read the ThinkGeek newsletter today?”. 

He responded, “I read it last night.” 

(Thinkgeek periodically sends out newsletters with tidbits on a bunch of new products.  This newsletter was no different. The had a whole whack of cool new things in the store.)

We drove a couple more blocks through downtown traffic in silence, and then he said, looking at me, “You KNOW we are going to have to get them.”

I immediately replied, staring intently at the road, “They are sold out.”

Him, “No! Not already.”

Me, “I’m on the waiting list.”

There was a pause in the conversation.  He finally said, “Our friends will vomit.”

Me, “Isn’t that the point?”

He grinned.

We drove the rest of the way home listening to the music on the radio.

(One week later I got the email that they were back in stock and I placed the order.  Yes, I know, not terribly Heartless of me… but it was worth the looks of utter disgust on our friend’s faces.)

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From the mouths of heartless babes…

May 26, 2008 | Filed Under Parenting, Random Silliness | 3 Comments

Me: “Ainsley finally had her baby. 16 days overdue but 8lbs. 11oz. That baby wasn’t over due. It just wasn’t ready to pop. Not like YOU (pointing at offspring). Put me through premature labour hell, then come a week overdue at 8lbs 9oz!”

Heartless spawn: “I got one word for you: CONDOMS!”

Me:”Yeah, well, if we’d used those, you wouldn’t be here!”

Heartless spawn:”So? My logic is flawless.”

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Out-of-context Quotes from a weekend at the cottage

May 20, 2008 | Filed Under Random Silliness | 1 Comment

“I’m going up to the cottage-owned-by-six-people-who-are-still-speaking-to-each-other.”

“Chocolate bears in garlic dip?”
“You gotta problem with that?!”
“Get it right: they are organic, coop-grown chocolate graham bears!”
“Have another one of those. I want to see that again.”
“I don’t.”
“Eating garlic and chocolate is like a religious experience.”

“Wait a minute – there are the ten commandments and the lesser ten commandments?  Is that like the GPL and the Lesser GPL?”

“I’m not even aware of what I’m doing!”

“Don’t you remember that children’s book?  ‘Don’t tease the weasel’?”
“That sounds like a euphemism. Don’t you go teasin’ the weasel!”

“Next Year we should do a vegetarian roast.”
“I’m not driving four hours for a tofurkey”

(pointing at lamb on roasting spit) “See? That’s what happens to vegetarians!”

“Did you enjoy your vegetarian lamb today?”
“Yes.  It absolutely was a vegetarian!”

“If I want to sleep, it’s on the couch. If I’m going through the motions, I use the bed.”

“Al, it was nice to see Chris but we would’ve rather had grilled cheese.”  (Al brought Chris instead of his campfire grill-cheese makers).

“If you die intestate…”
“I’ve never had testes!”
“I’ve borrowed some… What is it they say? A testes in the hand is worth two in the bush?”
“Now is probably not the time to discuss this with her…”

“I’m just feeling so sexy in my rubber and plastic here.”
“Do you have mazola to go with that rubber?”

“If I knew you were doing video, I could have done so much more!”

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My conversation with TomTom

March 24, 2008 | Filed Under Computers, Random Silliness | No Comments

The bf loves his TomTom. He takes it everywhere.  He lets it guide us everywhere. Even to places we already know how to get to.  Like home.  And he makes sure it talks to us.  He even carries it when he’s walking. You know, just in case he gets lost on the way to the bus stop. (It could happen.  Side note: his coat is so heavy from all the gadgets he carries that I swear it weighs about 30lbs)

This week, TomTom has the voice of Mission Control from NASA.  Last week, it was some supposedly soothing female voice.

Last night, on the way home, I was tired, cranky, and talking back to TomTom. It went something like this:

TomTom: Space Shuttle, this is Mission Control, bypass the international space station, you are clear for joining the motorway.

Me:  It’s called the Queensway.  Idiot.

TomTom:  Go 800 metres and then TURN LEFT.

Me: No, you moron. I won’t.

TomTom: TURN LEFT.

Me: Fuck you.

TomTom: TURN LEFT at the next street, then TURN LEFT.

Me: Bite me.  That’s a stupid route.

TomTom: TURN LEFT

Me:  Ok, I’ll turn left now, but only because I WANT to. Not because you told me to, you self-satisfied, smug piece of silicon.

TomTom: TURN LEFT at the next street.

Me: Pushy and demanding, aren’t we?  I’ll turn left if I damned well want to.

Of course, it IS rather pointless to talk back to it. At least at this stage in its evolution. But it made ME feel better. The bf just rolled his eyes.

Personally, I want a TomTom that’s more snarky when you don’t follow its directions.  You can buy an upgrade with John Cleese’s voice, but it’s pretty vanilla.  I’d pay MONEY to get an upgrade with John Cleese’s voice but one where he berates the driver if you don’t make a suggested turn.  I’d secretly download it onto the bf’s TomTom while he slept….  Can you imagine?

CleeseTomTom: Putter along for 800 metres or so and then TURN Left.

(drive past the place where we were supposed to turn)

CleeseTomTom: You STUUUUPID GIT!  I told you to TURN LEFT back there!  Now you’ve missed the turn and I’m going to have to recalculate everything! Harumph! 

CleeseTomTom: Ok.  Turn left up here at the next street, and this time, get it right will you?

(drive past place where we are to turn)

CleeseTomTom: You bloody MORON. You did it again!  You missed the turn AGAIN!  I don’t know why I bloody bother to try at all with you…

and so on…

A girl can dream, can’t she?

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Geek Humor that tickled me today

March 7, 2008 | Filed Under Computers, Random Silliness | 1 Comment

“You are a walking null pointer exception.”

“We all lived in a yellow subroutine”

and an oldie but a goodie…. “ARP, ARP, ARP… the mating call of the lonely packet.”

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Nature vs Nurture (Nature Wins – hands down)

August 30, 2007 | Filed Under Parenting, Random Silliness | No Comments

 (A conversation my youngest had with a co-worker): 

“What’s with you and your brother?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you are both so different. It’s like he was raised by nuns and you were raised by bikers.”

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Chipmunks, Campfires and Zombies, oh my!

August 7, 2007 | Filed Under Parenting, Popculture, Random Silliness | 6 Comments

My oldest son has now finished his second year of that fine Canadian rite of passage: Tree Planting.  He arrived late Sunday night, and early monday morning we drove up to the cottage.

Me: “Isn’t that a cute little church? I just don’t get why there is a church and graveyard out here in the middle of nowhere.”

Him:”Oh no. A cottage. I forgot. You know that that means?  ZOMBIES.”

Me:”Zombies?”

Him:”Yes. They ALWAYS get you at the cottage.”

Later that night as we were down by the water with flashlights looking for this enormous old snapping turtle that sometimes comes out a night…

Me:”I wonder what’s making noise over there?” (I shine the light towards the neighbors) “It’s probably just chipmunks. But maybe it’s zombies.”

Him:”Well, it can’t be zombies. They always moan. Ohhhoaaaahohhhhhhh.”

Me:(shining light on the treeline across the bay)”What if Zombies started coming out of the woods right now, just as I’m shining a light on them?”

Him:”That’s the point in the movie where you just book it back to the car, and barely make it in time – you slam the door and zombies are crawling all over it while you hit the gas.”

Me:”Hmmmm. I don’t even know where my car keys are right now.”

Him:”Shit.”

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