Anger alone doth not a Heartless Bitch make

by Natalie P.

October 30, 2007 | Filed Under Reader Responses, The Heartless Bitch Way | 3 Comments

We get somewhere between 30 and 80 membership applications each week (depends on what web site has posted a link that week).  Sadly, far too many fall into this category:

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
  I have been a victim of domestic violence.  I am tired of being the caring, loving supportive partner of voilent offenders.  I have turned into a cold heart bitch with men.

One Liner:
  Most men are lower forms of human life.

Yes, she’s been burned. Yes, she’s angry, and she’s vowed (at least in this application) to not make the same mistakes again.  Bravo for recognizing that she doesn’t have to put up with assholes.

But does this make her a Heartless Bitch? 

She’s been a victim in the past and despite all her rage, (she’s probably still just a rat in a cage) and she hasn’t really dug her self out of that mentality.   Yes, she’s realized she should not be putting up with the shit she has in the past. But that’s just the first step.  She has yet to acknowledge her own role in allowing herself to become a victim in her relationships.   Unfortunately,  too many women (and men) get to this stage, and find it’s just too easy to blame all their woes on an entire gender, rather than admit that THEY made bad choices.

As Instigatrix so eloquently put it,

“She hasn’t gotten to the point where she can understand that the raging assholes that have found her and/or that she’s found are not stand-ins for ALL men. (In fact, they’re not men at all, IMHO; they’re pissy bully-boys in man suits.)”

In essence, our applicant blames men for why she has turned into a “cold heart bitch”. But this shows she ISN’T taking responsibility for her choices. She’s just traded in one form of victim-hood for another.  The men in her past no more “made” her a “cold heart bitch” than she “made” them hit her.

The moment a person falls into the “You made me this way/you made me do it” trap, no matter how angry they are, no matter how much righteous indignation they exhibit, they are not empowered – they not truly taking responsibility for their actions and their choices.  What’s more, when someone rages from victim-stance, they run the risk of becoming the same kind of asshole that fucked them over.  They tend to focus on “getting back at” whoever hurt them, and getting what they believe they are “owed”, rather than moving on with their lives and putting their energy into something productive.  Our applicant thinks she’s getting back at men but the one she’s hurting the most is herself.

Yes, anger is important in the recovery process – it can be a vital tool for self-protection – as long as you don’t let it become all-consuming. As long as you use it to accomplish something positive.  However, far too many women fall into the trap of using the anger and indignation as a crutch (and barrier to intimacy) that they never really get rid of.

To quote Instigatrix once again,

“She’s deep in an ‘anger’ stage, and if she doesn’t get past all the rage, no matter how  justified it was, she’ll end up mainlining shit that’s way too similar to the junk that abusers shove into their own collapsed veins on the regular.

She HAS taken, it seems, a very important first step. But it’s VITAL to her well being that it NOT be the LAST step. It’ll probably take some time for her to move on, admittedly, but IMHO she really needs to take that time. At this point, I don’t think she’s a heartless bitch; she’s a bitter, angry bitch, and that’s an energy-burner and, eventually, a soul-destroyer.”

Just because you were victimized, does not mean you have to remain a victim.  Victim-hood is not like alcoholism, where once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.  You CAN shuck off the bonds. 

Look at your own attitudes and ask yourself, am I a victim, or am I a Heartless Bitch?  It’s really your CHOICE.

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3 comments so far
  1. Kimberly October 31, 2007 9:29 am

    Yeah, seems this applicant has recognized that she doesn’t have to remain in a violent, abusive situation so GOOD FOR HER! However, I concur with everything in your blog and she needs to recognize why she finds herself in these situations. Hopefully she will break her “past programming” and learn to make better choices for herself to attract healthy, loving relationships.

    I also want to add that while a partner or a friend may not be physically abusive DOES NOT MEAN THEY AREN’T AN ABUSER. The flags are there if you are aware of other types of abuse that usually escalates to physical abuse. I think this is where so many people fail to realize that they are INDEED involved with an abusive partner or friend. So very sad.
    Just recently, I had to walk away from a friendship because turns out my “friend” is INDEED abusive and she hid it well. Honestly, I don’t think many abusers and their victims realize what is going on because their behavior is learned in childhood and then they attract the same situations in adulthood. It takes a strong-willed and free-thinking individual to break that old programming and realize that any form of abuse is unacceptable and WRONG.

  2. Al November 1, 2007 8:30 pm

    Nice post! I read your site fairly frequently and enjoy the viewpoints espoused.

    Abuse is rampant on this planet and it takes many forms. I read Kimberly’s comments and she is spot-on about the past programming. It frequently requires a bit of processing to resolve the “past programming” issues and until they are resolved, a person will tend to attract abusers. Or become one.

    It’s an energy thing (or frequency or vibrational… however you wish to describe it) and will persist until it is resolved. Taking responsibility for the condition is a big part of it, but one has to know what they are actually being responsible for in order for it to be truly fixed. The truth needs to be uncovered.

    Well, I could go on and on about this as it is something I work with, but I won’t.

    I do enjoy your site and have aspirations of someday becoming a Heartless Bitch (as opposed to just a Sexy Bitch).

    Al

  3. MisTre November 6, 2007 6:28 pm

    BRAVO and well said!

    Being angry and obnoxious (or whiny and weak) is often two sides of the same coin: not taking full responsibility for one’s own life and the consequences of our choices. Just because a woman becomes opening hostile doesn’t mean she is in control; even babies get irate!

    Being angry all the time is often an expression of resentment, and resentment implies blame of others, and blame of others is an admission of personal powerlessness. No thanks!

    The only freedom and joy I have found in this life began the very moment I realized that nothing was anyone’s “fault” but my own, no matter what, no matter when, because I was the person making the decisions. After realizing that little factoid, life became extremely simple, uncluttered, unburdened by guilt, and immensely challenging and enjoyable because I began to make choices to create that life for myself.

    There is no prince charming. But none of us are helpless princesses caught in a dragon’s lair, either!


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