E-Mail 'It's not my job to stroke your ego and keep you entertained' To A Friend

Natalie P.

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6 comments so far
  1. marzena April 5, 2007 4:20 pm

    This is awesome. I’m afraid though that there’s not too many men and women who get to the emotionally mature stage. There are too many misunderstandings about it and too few role models :(.

  2. Momo April 7, 2007 3:55 pm

    I had a boyfriend who would actually walk off while I was conversing with someone else, and keep track of how long it took for me to notice that he was gone. Each time, I’d find him sulking in a corner, evoking all sorts of guilt. This took place in my pre-HB days, so I would apologize for not making him my first priority, that the person whom I was talking to was a flawed individual that was nowhere as wonderful as him, and overall fall into his guilt trap. At least once a week, he’d go on self-deprecating tirades about, “Oh, I’ve accepted the fact that someday, you’re going to find someone better than me.” Translation: “I’m insecure, I love the attention and praise, I need my ego stroked, and I need to know that you need a guy like me.” I wish he had really accepted that someday I’d find a better guy than him, because he sure made a fuss when I dumped his sorry, lazy, whiny, high-school dropout ass.

    The next boyfriend was the opposite. He was a snobby narcissistic film major whose favorite words were “pretentious asshole,” although it was the pot calling the kettle black. I would attend events with him, and the conversations about Kurosawa vs. Wheadon were like Greek to me. Therefore, I’d go off and make conversations about other things with other people. I’ve always prided myself in being able to make my OWN fun. Somehow, he didn’t like that. I think that he was disgusted by the fact that I didn’t have the exact same interests as him. He would explicitly state that he didn’t care about my interests if I tried to have a conversation with him (after telling me that I needed to have a hobby or join a club, mind you), yet I was always supposed to be interested and informed in his film stuff. He also had to be the leading expert in whatever conversation was going on, and I think he begrudged me for taking the spotlight off him.

    Almost as bad as these whiners are the wallflowers who come to an event with you and DO NOTHING. My next boyfriend was one of those. They don’t quietly listen, they don’t join in on laughter, they don’t accept invitations to charades or Scrabble, NOTHING, not even if they’re your invitations. They just sit on a couch and look miserable, or too good for everyone else. If you’re just going to hermit away in a corner, why did you even bother coming? It makes everybody feel awkward, especially your date. It’s downright rude to decline that much of a host’s hospitality.

    All of these idiots are in my past. I now sometimes use social events as a litmus test for Nice Guys and Jerks. No, I don’t drag them to girly sleepovers and expect them to drool over Hello Kitty, but I do see if they pull any of the aforementioned bullshit. I don’t want to deal with the bullshit of needing a crutch.

  3. Nadia April 12, 2007 4:07 am

    Thank you for posting this. Seriously. I can think of at least a dozen women who need to read this, but I doubt very much that they’ll actually get the message. See, at the beginning of your post when you were describing how you and your bf sorta did your own thing at the party, I could just HEAR them tut-tutting and saying something along the lines of how that’s no way to keep a man, etc. Hell, I get that from my own mother when I tell her that I’d rather stay home and read a book than accompany my husband to a sports event I have no interest in. The worst thing about this sort of attitude is that it actually stunts emotional growth. These guys are taught that they must absolutely be the center of attention or they are obviously unloved and need to go elsewhere for the kind of emotional mollycoddling they need. And the women, since they’re taught that they’re worth nothing more than the man they bag, are told that they must hang on to him at all costs, so they end up encouraging the behavior and teaching it to their own children, and so on. Why more people can’t see that they need to be whole people first and halves of a relationship second is beyond me.

  4. Ethan June 8, 2007 6:47 pm

    Referer

    It is a mistake to speak of a bad choice in love, since as soon as a choice exists, it can only be bad

  5. anonymous January 15, 2014 11:44 am

    You know? You’re a real hypocrite for making this website. One way that you’re hypocrite is that you don’t want to stroke other people’s egos but sound like you want your ego stroked.

    A second way that you’re hypocritical is that you blame guys who want be worshipped like gods but sound like you want to be worshipped like a goddess. Sick-minded much.

    A third way that you’re a hypocrite is that in that you claim to want this site troll-free when you sound like a troll yourself.

    One of these days, I’d like to see karma bite your in the rear for being a big fat jerk.

  6. Adrienne Beam August 31, 2014 1:04 pm

    The whole scene sounds pretty out of balance to me, including your perspective. When you cast a stone without considering your delivery, you’re just casting stones. Never good.