“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful…”

by Natalie P.

March 22, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 8 Comments

A friend of mine moved into a new condo tower a few months back.  Slowly but surely, she’s been meeting people in the building and making some new friends there. The building is largely filled with young urbanites, many of whom are single.   Unfortunately, there are a group of women in the building who clearly don’t like her. They have no valid reason for their dislike… She’s been friendly and outgoing, yet they’ve basically snubbed and rebuffed her – organized activities for “the girls” but not invited her, barely said “hello” when she greets them – that sort of thing. 

It would seem she’s facing that all too common “insecure-female” syndrome.

You see, she’s a tall, attractive, successful, single woman in her 30’s. For those fragile ego types, that spells “threatening”.  She told me a story about how she and a friend went to a New Year’s party and one woman there was openly GLARING at her the moment she entered the room.  It was so obvious and overt that her friend started laughing about it. 

But you hear it all the time – women saying, (jokingly or not), “Oh, she’s so thin, I hate her!”, or words to that effect.  We have a culture that has made it OK, even  encouraged, women to “hate” or dislike anyone whom we perceive to have something we don’t.  Instead of appreciating someone else’s talents, wisdom or beauty, too many people see it as an indictment of themselves, and a threat.  

Unfortunately, this fucked-up attitude seems to be more prevalent with women than men, and it pisses me off when women are that willfully stupid. As Instigatrix said, “You know, I really DO hate boneheads, but bonehead WOMEN have a SPECIAL place in the crack of my ass.”

Even though I’m not as young or gorgeous as my friend, I still have experienced the attempts at ostracism from threatened females, largely because I am outgoing, intelligent, I don’t play dumb, and I can talk with the guys about computers and power tools, and other geeky stuff that they find interesting.  I am unusual in that I am a very technically savvy female. Just because a guy finds that interesting doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with me, or that I want to sleep with him.  All the protestations of Harry (When Harry Met Sally) aside, sometimes a man and woman can just have a conversation because they share mutual interests.   I know of one case where my name is apparently *verboten* in the household because she is so threatened by me (and I’ve never even MET her), and another where I was hated by the wife because I could talk about work with her husband and she didn’t understand any of it.

Fer Chrissakes women, get a goddamn grip!  If you can’t talk to your partner about stuff that is important or interesting to him, find someone more compatible, or, heaven forefend, open a damn book and learn something that you can both share an interest in. Knowing about computers, or cars, or finances is a useful skill regardless. YOU could actually benefit.  I’m not talking about becoming a sycophant and taking up all HIS interests so you can have something in common, but if you don’t share any mutual interests, and he’s not willing to take up any of yours, why are you together? Hot sex can only carry a relationship so far… (believe me, I know).

Why oh why do these women immediately see an attractive woman as a threat?  Do they think she’ll steal away their boyfriends or husbands?  I see two immediate problems with that theory: a) They are expecting that the boyfriend/husband is such a catch that she’d want him, and b) if he’s so untrustworthy, and so unhappy with you that he could be wooed into bed (or beyond) by another woman, What the Hell Are You Doing With Him? Dump the fucker already! 

Nobody ever got seduced out of a wonderful, loving, good relationship.  Stop blaming and hating other women who have done nothing but look good, or have a conversation with your hubby, just because you are riddled with insecurities. Get some fucking therapy or get out of the relationship. Hell, get therapy regardless.

I’m going to throw a little psychological monkey-wrench in here just for good measure. I think that women who are paranoid about their guy getting seduced by another woman, are in fact projecting their own fears about themselves onto the guy.  At some level, she’s so unhappy and uncomfortable that if the right guy came up and wooed her, she’d fall for it.  Because she feels susceptible, she figures her partner must be too.

All that being said, I don’t think it’s cool, funny, or acceptable for the female manipulator types to swoop in and deliberately break up an unstable couple as some kind of power/ego-trip.   (I get plenty of membership applications from misguided women who think that being a Heartless Bitch means using and abusing those who are susceptible, and breaking up couples for fun).  Those types need a stiletto rammed firmly up their asses too.

And then, there are the “Pecking Order” Alpha Female types. The ones that have to be the Top Dog in all situations. Everyone has to agree with them. They have to be the one to give the best advice. They either rule by belittling and praising or by “mothering” everyone around them.  Those that resist the attempts to exact conformity are ostracized. You see this most commonly in high-school cliques, but sadly, it persists well into adulthood, and out into the working world.  I worked in one office where it was clear the Alpha Female didn’t like me because I didn’t always agree with her, and spoke my own mind.  There were several subjects where I also knew far more than she did, and she didn’t like to be corrected when she expounded on something she clearly had limited knowledge of. One must never contradict the Alpha Female. 

Heh. I just see THAT kind of behavior as a big, red button that says, “Push Me” on it.  

It was obvious that she didn’t like me, but she wasn’t openly hostile – she was smarter than that – her manipulation was calculated and controlled.  Never-the-less, it was clear that I wasn’t “one of the girls”, which suited me just fine.  I found it all rather amusing, like being an observer in a psychology experiment.  You see, I shucked off any need for that kind of approval or group-acceptance back in junior high, when it was clear that to be part of the “in” crowd, you had to accept the “queen” belittling you in front of others. She did it to everyone.  I was part of the “in” group for a very short time until I made it clear that I wouldn’t be pressured into doing anything I didn’t want to do (like smoke), and I wouldn’t tolerate the insult-laden ego-propping behavior.

That didn’t make me a loner – it just meant that I found better people to be friends with. Fortunately, there are women out there who are not insecure, backbiting, manipulative assholes. You don’t have to give up having friends just because you refuse to play some stupid female pecking-order game.  That being said, I’ve never felt the need to be part of an all girl group. From time-to-time I have been, due to circumstances, but it’s not something that I can’t live without, nor something that I specifically seek out.  Give me the mixed company of a few close friends, and I’m happy. Sure, I have my close female friends, but even then, I won’t tolerate shithead behavior just because we are “girlfriends” and I certainly won’t excuse boneheadedness for the sake of “sisterhood”. I’ll be supportive, but I won’t be a soppy crying rag – especially for woes that come from self-inflicted injuries (that’s what you pay a therapist for). I’ve told more than one person to “shit or get off the pot” because they started getting emotional hemorrhoids from sitting on the self-pity-pot for too long.  If your shit stinks, I’ll tell you, and I expect the same in return. By the same token, I’ll celebrate your talents, beauty, knowledge and skills – I’ll cheer you on when you are tackling a big challenge, running a race, or opening an art exhibit, and watch your back when you fight the good fight.

Remember, Real Heartless Bitches(tm) aren’t threatened by someone having more money, greater beauty, a better job, a cuter boyfriend, or more talent.  Heartless Bitches know who they are, and they are damned proud of it.  They know in their hearts, that no matter what society might think of them, they ARE beautiful.  They also couldn’t give a fart (much less a shit) about someone who hates them because of that.

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8 comments so far
  1. Roz March 22, 2007 4:19 pm

    Women have got to embrace REAL sisterhood. When men get together they aren’t catty, and backbiting, nor do they dog out the one that isn’t there. They talk about stats, food, jobs, and women – not necessarily in that order. Women talk about the one that isn’t there, and will take your self-esteem under the guise of “keeping you humble”. I am blessed to be in the company of encouraging friends, but there are some that give you half-hearted compliments when you know you look great, calculate how long it will take to steal your man, and basically covet what you have. When I run into someone like that, I ask them what flavor “hater-ade” they are drinking, because it must be delicious! Be fabulous and take care of you! I love this article!

  2. sedna March 23, 2007 4:41 pm

    Nobody ever got seduced out of a wonderful, loving, good relationship? I don’t think this statement is true. Unless of course wonderful and loving and good are defined by the quality “faithfulness”.
    A relationship can be wonderful, loving and good and yet a man or woman might be seduced (although not necessarily out of it). What the partners do with this (f)act can actually shape a relationship further into more wonderful, loving and good. Exclusiveness however much desired and promised by both partners remains an option. People do get into situation that are challenging to their own concept about themselves and do not always act according their own prefab notions about themselves. During a relationship people change and get to know each other and themselves through those changes. Our attractions and desires are always telling us something important about us.
    The fact that a relationship is actually working gives space to “seduction”. The respect and freedom to be ones own person and to accept the fact that our bodies and our sexuality and attractions belong to us no matter how wonderful, loving and good we are with others is the core essence of faithfulness. If there is no real choice there’s no real point in it or real power to it.
    The statement also suggest that a person’s sexuality is defined by the state of his or her relationship. As I see it human sexuality is far more complex than that.

  3. Natalie P. March 24, 2007 3:17 am

    You are making a couple of fundamental mistakes in your assumptions: a) that seduction is always sexual, and b) ignoring the words “out of” in the statement that you quote.

    We can all feel the effects of seduction (all but the most unfeeling and oblivious, that is), however, our choice to act on those feelings is really based on a whole variety of factors which affect and are a part of our existing relationship (i.e. trust, values, respect, love, etc…)

    Can we love more than one person at the same time? Absolutely. But if you are in a relationship whose boundaries and fundamental trust/agreement are based on faithfulness, then yes, faithfulness is a part of a “good” relationship. It’s a foundation of your trust, and without TRUST, you don’t have jack shit.

    This is not to say you can’t come back to the table and try to renegotiate, but if you believe that relationship is good and wonderful and something you want to preserve. and the other person isn’t willing to rewrite the contract, then you don’t give it up for something new and untried. If you do, I will posit that the foundations of the relationship were rocky to begin with. Either because you are unstable and untrustworthy, or because something else crucial was lacking in the relationship which destabilized it.

    I didn’t ever say that a person in a relationship couldn’t feel the effects of seduction – I said that if the relationship is a good one, they don’t succumb to it. They feel it, they notice it, they may even enjoy the attention, but they don’t lie, cheat or give up on a good existing relationship.If someone is seduced out of a relationship, either the relationship was flawed or they are.

    A romantic/love relationship may have sex as a component and boundary, but it isn’t (and shouldn’t be) the sole defining factor. Therefore, whether or not a person chooses ( and I do mean CHOOSE) to act on their feelings as a result of “seduction” has nothing whatsoever to do with the definition of their sexuality in a relationship.  Especially in light of the fact that a seduction doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual.

    I am, however, talking about fundamentally monogamous relationships here – where the stated, or unstated contract is that faithfulness is an underlying tenet.

    In poly relationships, it’s much more complex, but the core of my supposition remains the same. You don’t give up (leave, walk away from) something good, trusted and wonderful, for something new and enticing. If you give up your existing relationship for something new and untried, there was something rotten in Denmark (and in the existing relationship or persons participating in it).

  4. Kimberly March 25, 2007 12:14 am

    I have a theory about the whole seduction thing…people are seduced only if the WANT to be seduced. I’m tired of people excusing seduction like it is some uncontrollable event that takes place. If you are in a strong, healthy, solid, name your goodness here relationship, chances are you are not looking or open to being seduced by another. If you are, you are CHOOSING that experience, unless, of course, that other person is holding a gun to your head, eh?

    Natalie, you’ve done it again! Love it! This blog not only touches on some of my own personal experiences, but also sheds much light on just how much women still do compete, in a negative manner, against other women. Kudos to you!! :o)

  5. Natalie P. March 25, 2007 1:03 pm

    Kim, I wholeheartedly agree.

    I think there are far too many things in our lives that people want to shuck of as “beyond my control”, when in fact, they ARE choices, such as choosing to be seduced.

  6. sedna April 7, 2007 5:48 pm

    Indeed, the fact that a relationship is actually working gives choice to seduction whether sexual or not.

  7. marzena May 11, 2007 12:14 pm

    I’m not sure sedna that I understand what you mean by “the fact that a relationship is working gives choice to seduction”. Does it mean that when a relationship is not working, then there is no choice whether you succumb to temptation or not? That’s a strange thing to say. There are relationships that don’t work at the beginning (or during some episode anywhere in the middle) but because people make the right choices, they work things out and are happy together. But, some may make the wrong choices, like get seduced and follow it and then the relationship has no chance to work again. This is clearly due to personal choices and not something predetermined due to external factors.
    Whether a person allows him/herself to be seduced, or desires the attention from more then one person, is a completely different problem. But it’s a problem that is entirely about the person her/himself, not due to anything about the relationship. Most often it’s about low self-esteem and insecurity. People who don’t feel attractive or good enough as they are, they may have a great relationship and will still look for other people to validate them. But people who have a strong, healthy self-esteem will be able to tell whether this relationship is worth to work for and if they decide that it is, they will do anything it takes, sometimes against many obstacles, to build it strong and fulfilling.

  8. sedna May 19, 2007 4:45 pm

    I would like to quote the book “On Love” from the philosopher J.Krishnamurti:
    “Love comes not from the mind, not from thinking, therefor is fearless”. Thoughts of fidelity/infidelity are created by the mind as is fear. The mind would like to insure stability and consistence so as not to be “disturbed” by fear, so as not to “loose” what it considers “having” hence the mind-made contract of fidelity.
    An abusive “unhealthy’ relationship is purely based on power (struggles) therefor there is no “freedom”, all is fear. One can not be seduced from an unhealthy relationship is more true. It’s very hard to free yourself from an unhealthy relationship all together.
    So if in a healthy relationship you choose not to act on the seduction and choose fidelity this does not mean you have not been seduced, it means your relationship is healthy not abusive or power controlled and you can be seduced and choose not to act on it, yet another freedom you have! If you choose not to act on “it” what does the “it” mean?
    It means you have been seduced or have seduced and this means you are a healthy loving, attractive person with choices, the true basis for a healthy relationship anyway.


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