Englightening “Nice Guys”

by Natalie P.

March 13, 2007 | Filed Under Reader Responses, The Heartless Bitch Way | 4 Comments

The “Nice Guys, BLEAH!” section of HBI gets a tremendous amount of traffic.  Oddly enough it was not created because we are evil, nasty women who just love kickig small helpless animals and spineless men.  It was spawned as a response to an overwhelming number of whining complaints from self-professed “Nice Guys” who see not only us, but all women as damaged and wanting only assholes.  While education may happen as an offshoot, our articles here are meant to show that the emperor has no clothes. If an individual decides to learn from our observations, well, that’s their choice. 

That being said, I think that perhaps 1 in 4 “Nice Guys” who read the HBI section, actually get it, take responsibility for their own behavior, and figure a way out of their dilemma that does not involve becoming a beer-swilling, womanizing asshole. 

From time to time men from either camp (the “oh shit, I get it” or the “raging in denial” camps), will write.  Sometimes the authors of those emails ask reasonable questions.  In this particular case, I figure if one guy didn’t get it, probably there are a whole bunch who didn’t, so I’m going to clarify it here.

    Gustavo writes:  

    Hey, I had read this article a long time ago and learned from it. Recently revisited and learnt a bit more. But my question refers to this paragraph, which I just can’t decipher:

    The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer continue the relationship, the feelings will continue… But love isn’t mutually exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future. The irony of it all is: “Who would want to go out with someone who was inherently unlovable anyways?” 

    The last part, I get lost on what it refers to. I interpret that there are many people which can adequately replace you in the relationship, but after that, I just can’t understand what it says. Even if the relationship ends, you’ll still love her and something else, specially the quote in the end, that I can’t tell what it refers to exactly. I know you may have past this moment in your life, but could you shed a bit of light on that part for me?

If you perceive that YOU are the only person who can truly love a woman, and you tell her that, then what you are really telling her is that she is inherently unlovable by anyone else but you.  Get it? You are telling her that it isn’t anything special about HER that makes you love her, or that allows you to love her so deeply, but something special about YOU that makes you able to, when no one else can.  So, in fact, you aren’t complimenting her, you are subtly insulting her.

The ironic question comes into play because, when it comes right down to it, why would you want to get involved with someone who is, by your own definition, inherently unlovable?

I hope that clears things up.

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4 comments so far
  1. Arthur Deane March 14, 2007 12:02 pm

    Hello again ladies. This is just a commment as to why your site was a life saver. I use to do all that nice guy B.S. thinking it was the right way to grab a woman. It was really manipulation once I “got it”.

    I understand much better how to talk and handle women now in all my interactions. I am far more agressive in my intentions(ok bad word more like take initative) .

    Once you explained why being nice doesnt get you laid, I started to go out and talk to ladies. Of course because of social conditioning, many said it wasnt true. But after ten minutes and them getting themselves and me drinks the truth came out all the time.

    Now I am not here to worship or grovel before you ladies. But I am here out of respect and thanks. I found out that I was a very stingy and arrogant person. And farrr worse than those jerks or bad boys.

    I decided to go improve myself and change my life. Now a lot of females still think im nice, even when I tell them Im not but overall your article woke a blind ,sleeping man up and you ahve my respect and thanks

  2. Mato March 14, 2007 10:25 pm

    Well, having read some articles on the HBI site refering to the “nice guy dilemma” (including the one portrayed in this post), it shouldn´t come as a surprise that men would profit (in a good way) from it.

    It is, I guess, the result of HBI´s “no bullshit” policy from either gender.

    Since it provides a critical view on “unhealthy” behaviours of, in this case, the male psyche (though I don´t think it only applies exclusively to that male population), the reaction would be either, as you mentioned, denial or “breakthrough” by the ones who relate to it.

    The funny thing is that, given HBI provides this “enlightment” from a feminine point of view (obviously) in accordance with women empowerment issues, it ends up (in some cases) empowering males as well, just by showing that by accepting themselves as they are, they can disregard (if not completely) social influences and pressures (by the patriarchy and other factors) and acknowledge their shortcomings.

    In other words, accept and love themselves, stand up to their peers, and change the way they “perceive” women, not as a sex object, but as what they are, humans.

    Saludos.

  3. Natalie P. March 14, 2007 10:39 pm

    I couldn’t have said it better myself, Mato. “Equality” after all, applies to both genders by its very definition. Socialized gender roles hurt men just as much as they hurt women.

  4. Mato March 15, 2007 2:55 pm

    Yeah, easier said than done though.

    Socialized gender roles are presented to everyone from a very early age and a takes enough maturity and a fair amount of “balls” (that was speaking in a gender oriented fashion, to give an example of how very present they are) to start the unlearning process since stereotyping is actually very common and not that unreasonable (analogy wise) in the human thinking process.


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