Not the greatest recipe for weight loss

by Natalie P.

February 24, 2007 | Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 Comments

I’m having a little trouble typing tonight. Last night I unintentionally experimented with the do-it-yourself at-home amputation kit. I removed part of my fingertip and nail while chopping cilantro for salsa. (I threw that batch of cilantro out, btw).

As soon as it happened, I KNEW it was bad, so I grabbed my hand, rushed to the sink, rinsed without REALLY looking at it, grabbed some paper towels, wrapped it tightly, and then ran upstairs to the bathroom. I was at home by myself – the BF out partaking in that OTHER great Canadian sport – curling.

There was nothing left to stitch back on… so I was spurting blood like a bad Monty Python sketch. I kept thinking “It’s only a flesh wound”. Trying to find some way to bandage it was bordering on the comical. Nearly everything came off when I tried to apply it. I went through a box of tissues and several different types of bandages. The bathroom looked like a murder scene by the time I was done. I eventually figured out that lots tissue and a latex glove finger provided sufficient pressure to staunch the flow. Those movies that show people cleaning the place spotless after a brutal slaying are pure fiction. Blood is damned hard to clean up! No wonder the CSI types find it so easy to locate.

Once bandaged I felt compelled to replace all that lost fluid with a couple glasses of Australian Merlot. Red for red, after all… At -20C, the last thing I felt like doing was going to the hospital and waiting in the emergency ward, so I parked myself on the couch and began the serious process of fluid replacement. When the BF came home, he wanted to see how bad it was. Removing the bandages started a whole new round of profuse bleeding, which we eventually stopped in the same manner as before. He then tried to make me elevate my hand and insisted I see a doctor in the morning. I told him it was hard to drink and operate the remote with my hand in the air.

It’s my left-hand index finger, so it could have been worse – I’m right-handed. However, it would have been so much more fun had it been my middle finger, but the gods (other than Loki) weren’t complying. Then it would have matched my “Double F Ranch” shirt from Glarkware.

I touch type, at a phenomenally fast rate, so this incapacitated finger is seriously impacting my productivity. It’s also going to look just CHARMING when I go to PodCamp in the morning. That’s right boys and girls, I’m going to spend my weekend learning all about podcasting, with an eye to perhaps putting together some bitchcasts for HBI. Let’s hope no weird stalkers show up. The last nutbar was living in his mother’s basement in Australia, so I’m probably ok.

I’ll undoubtably blog about the event, so stay tuned…

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3 comments so far
  1. CathL February 24, 2007 5:20 pm

    Get well soon! Anything that reduces your typing abillity is definitly bad for bitches everywhere. I hear that alchohol is bad for blood clotting.

  2. Natalie P. February 28, 2007 1:04 am

    Thanks for the well-wishes. I can once again type, thanks to the wonders of “silver healing” bandages. I still have to be careful not to bang the damn thing, but I’m on the mend.

    (BTW – I hear that alcohol is bad for a lot of things, but I reserve the right to succumb to my vices.)

  3. Mary Katherine July 16, 2007 5:23 pm

    I’m sorry. ouch…

    I don’t know if you have seen the movie sicko. one of the stories is about a man who accidentally cuts off part of his middle and ring fingers.

    in his case there was a need for reattachment – but they said his middle finger would cost 60K, and his ring finger would be 12,000.

    he went with the cheaper option. says he’s a romantic.

    I would think you’ll adjust and be able to type as well as before. I’m a touch typer too and I type fast also. I was taught typing in high school. one of the most useful classes I ever took :)

    except, I am 38 and I learned on real typewriters. I used the term “carriage return” recently and a young person didn’t get it. sigh.

    take care.


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