And Bitchilocks said it was TOOOO BIG…

by Natalie P.

February 7, 2007 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy | 9 Comments

A friend sent me an IM today, celebrating the fact that her long-suffering somewhat-self-imposed stint of celibacy had finally ended! She'd broken up with her last boyfriend a while ago, and felt the need for space. Lots of it. She'd tried dating on LavaLife but only seemed to attract losers. So she put herself on the sexual bench, so-to-speak.

This week, she finally acquiesced to the charms of a strapping young man. Very strapping. And very *ahem*, BIG.

Now I know she likes her boys well-endowed but this one took the cake. She told me he's SEVEN INCHES in diameter. Yes, that's right DIAMETER. (I asked her, just to be sure it wasn't circumference. No, she said, DIAMETER.) SEVEN INCHES!

If it's true, I can't imagine how he stays conscious during sex. I mean, if you think about it, all that blood rushing to his organ would leave none for other vital areas, like his brain. We joke about it with guys in general, but for this guy, it would be a reality. I'll bet he can't stand up with an erection.

SEVEN INCHES. It just boggles the mind.

The biggest I had heard of before was a guy that was affectionately referred to by his lovers as "Coke Can Don" - because, as you guessed, he was about the size of a Coke (tm) can around. One of his lovers told me that when she first saw him erect, she stopped him cold in his tracks and said, "And you think you are going to put that WHERE?" This is a woman who had given birth to three kids and even SHE couldn't accomodate him. She said he was the only man she couldn't even give a blowjob to. And no wonder - she'd have to be part python to do it. She'd have to be able to unhinge her jaw to accomplish a feat like that.

But it got me to thinking... how big in diameter IS a Coke can? How big is SEVEN INCHES? And so began my quest...

Let's start small. Really small.

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9 comments so far
  1. Mike February 8, 2007 5:59 pm

    Huh?!? 7 inches across? Never mind blowjobs, think about a guy like that trying to masturbate. Would it even be possible? Could he get enough surface contact to feel anything pleasurable? And what would the length of the thing have to be to have something that looks more like a penis than one of those African huts with a conical roof? Sounds like a garden gnome in size as well as shape! Oy.

  2. C'est moi February 8, 2007 6:40 pm

    Umm, I suspect your friend might be having a wee spot of . . . what can I call it . . . tunnel-vision? SOMEone’s gotta be smokin’ SOMEthin’ crazy, because anything with enough spongy tissue at rest to bloat up like THAT is going to require the wearin’ o’ kilts ev’ry DAY–not to mention an insanely bow-legged walk in order to avoid death by chafing. Seriously, dude; what kind of engorgement differential would allow for any kind of pants-wearing AND a seven-inch diameter? Not the human kind, I’m guessin’. Not even sure about the equine kind. Seven inches in CIRCUMFERENCE I could buy. But DIAMETER? Not on THIS planet, I hope, for the sake of all concerned. That kinda shit would’ve made even Robert Mapplethorpe check his zoom lens.

  3. KeesKennis February 9, 2007 8:37 am

    I think the lady got her inches and centimeters mixed up.
    For more real life samples look at these links.

    4 to 5 inches on an elephant

    http://keeskennis.blogspot.com/2007/01/elephants-for-libbys-grandtyke-or.html

    2 to 3 inches on a zebra

    http://keeskennis.blogspot.com/2006/04/zebras-schlong-dong-or-as-you-will.html

    Sorry I know sh*t about code

  4. Juliana February 13, 2007 3:51 pm

    I think your friend sucked at, I mean, flunked math class. There’s no WAY he was 7″ in diameter. If so, let’s see some photographic proof.

  5. Dana February 22, 2007 11:59 am

    Maybe she meant circumference instead of diameter? I think people get those mixed up sometimes.

  6. eeewww February 24, 2007 1:53 pm

    Clearly your friend was mistaken, whether she was confusing centimeters for inches or circumference for diameter. That’s really not the issue here. The issue is a WOMAN who is a size queen? That’s a rarity. Penis size is an issue typically by men for men.

    My favorite quote overheard recently:

    Man: You know, I have a ten inch penis.

    Woman: Too bad. I only have a six inch vagina.

  7. Natalie P. February 24, 2007 3:34 pm

    “The issue is a WOMAN who is a size queen? That’s a rarity.”

    Not in MY experience.
    Guys, if she tells you “size doesn’t matter”, she’s probably _lying_. Most likely to avoid hurting your feelings.

    I know PLENTY of women who are “size queens”,  in fact, I don’t know any who would really say that size DOESN’T matter.  But then, I’m a Heartless Bitch…

  8. matthew March 4, 2007 5:35 pm

    hay there … she must of ment 7 inches long even most men dont have seven inches in lenth never mind in diameter i am a male and i have 7 1/2 in lenth and 1 1/2 in diameter and i think thats big but i would say thats b.s. and if it is true i feel sorry for him because no girl wonts him i mean it just would not fit and it would no be hard enough to penetrate….

  9. Salope April 30, 2007 9:45 am

    I’ve been away for awhile and so I’m posting this way after the fact but here goes.

    Um, I think I might have dated that guy..or a relative of his. It was a no go the first time we tried to “join” with one another. I stopped dating him. It was just too big. I have big hands, and I couldn’t get one wrapped around his apparatus with the fingers closing – my hands are 7 inches from tip of middle finger to base of palm.

    THEN since the normal sex method was clearly impossible, he asked for oral sex. :|

    My response, “Honey, if I can’t get these lips around it, (pointing to crotch) what makes you think I can get these lips around it?” (pointing to mouth)

    He exclusively dates mothers now.

    True story.


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