The story so far…

by The Morrigan

November 18, 2010 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | No Comments

So here’s where I am at the moment. I’ve been cycling on and off the topamax, prompted by despair at my continuing seizures and my stubborn determination to try to manage them drug free. Neither is a great solution. I’m getting a seizure dog in the spring — she won’t stop the seizures, but she’ll warn me about 20 minutes prior so at least I’ll be able to go to a relatively safe environment and seize there. She’s also trained to leap on top of me during the actual seizure so I won’t be so badly injured. I had one at work yesterday and woke to a circle of spectators (special? Words fail me). My neurologist has been patiently recommending a procedure called a corpus callosotomy — the severing of the link between the hemispheres of my brain and so far I’ve been vehemently resisting.

Frankly, the idea scares the hell out of me but I’m at the point where my seizures have become “intractable” and this is the last stage of treatment. My seizures have proved to be resistant to all the meds, my quality of life has tanked and every day, I’m aware that I’ve got a time bomb in my head and very well aware that my next seizure could be fatal.

I can’t tell you how much I resent this. I’m afraid to make this choice. Neurosurgery is an inexact science — what they don’t know far outweighs the knowledge that they do have and even the doctor will only commit to a prognosis of “this SHOULD help”. “Should”? You want to cut my brain in half and all you can promise me is that maybe it will work?

I don’t know how I feel about the surgery, girls. I know I can’t go on like this though.

The thing is, I’m a coward. I’m not brave about this shit at all. I feel like I’m being backed into a corner and I’m panicking.

I’m going to try to hang on and wait for the dog (I’ve named her Q.C.) and see how I do with her. That’s still about 4 months away though and it’s quite possible that events may overtake me.

But we’ll see. We’ll see.

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