How NOT to Apologize

by Natalie P.

January 15, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 2 Comments

1)  Wait several months after the incident in question, or better yet, wait YEARS before proffering your “Apology”.

2) Apologize in email. This is really important. You have to expend the absolute bare minimum of effort required. After all, that way you don’t have to do any REAL work. You certainly don’t have to deal with any of that icky “consequence” stuff, and you get to whine to others about how you tried to apologize and all that. 

3) Make sure that reason for your apology was something really apalling. That way the fact that you apologized years later and in email will have the most impact.  Here are some examples:

  • Openly badmouthing your “friend” on public forum
  • Backstabbing your “friend” repeatedly and viciously to mutual friends (This includes lying about them and omitting critical information so that you look like a wounded party)
  • Screaming visciously at your “friend” over a percieved slight in front of other people, and blowing a minor incident out of all proportion so that you can “have your feelings” over shit that has nothing to do with them, at their expense
  • Stealing from your “friend”
  • Sneaking around with your friend’s ex, all the while telling your friend that the ex is a creep and an asshole
  • Lying to your “friend” – and we aren’t talking little white lies here – we’re talking BIG important stuff
  • Falsely accusing your friend of ruining your life and making your existence miserable
  • Deliberately undermining your “friend’s” relationships with others
  • Dating your best-friend’s ex, and dumping the “friend” because you decided you can’t fuck the ex, AND be friends with her at the same time.

4) Minimize/Trivialize the act of betrayal. The worse #3 is, the better this works.  Don’t actually own up to the activity for which you are apologizing.  At most, say that you “behaved badly”, or that you “owe an apology for the way I behaved”. That way you don’t actually have to take real responsibililty for anything. It just LOOKS like you are.

5) Say your bad behavior was the result of a mistake in judgement (poor you!). Do not imply in any way that you had any concious choice in your actions, or any real responsibility for the outcome.  Never in any way admit that your actions were a deliberate and intentional act of betrayal requiring any real contrition or effort. If you can, blame others or your own inexperience for why you fucked your friend over. Extra points if you caveat the excuse with something like, “I know this does not excuse my behavior, but…”

6) Go for the emotionally manipulative close:  State how much you “miss” your friend and the fun you had together, and enclose some trite statement like, “I hope that you are doing well”.

7) Finally, get extra bonus points by trying the sympathy ploy on top of the manipulative close: State that you’ll (*sigh*, hand-at-brow) understand if they don’t want to talk to you again, but you just felt you had to, you know, finally say you were sorry…

As you can tell, I don’t brook much with people who are looking for absolution for acting like a fuckwit by way of a lame, half-assed “apology” that is anything but. If you really screwed me over (and it’s happened a few times over the long years – we all make mistakes about other’s character from time to time), then I’m NOT interested in ever having you as a friend again, so why would I give a rats ass about an “apology” from someone I want no further relationship with? Especially if you don’t even have the balls (figurative or literal) to do it in person.  If made a mistake in judgement once by trusting you, I have no intention of repeating the mistake.  I have plenty of good friends, I don’t need to revive relationships with lazy assholes who have demonstrated repeatedly that they are untrustworthy, inconsiderate, shallow, and insincere.

Contrary to the latest spate of pop-culture touchy-feely crap, I don’t need to “forgive” every dipshit that has crossed my path in order to feel happy and move on with my life. Believe me, no assoholic is going to hold me back from enjoying my time on this planet.  If you are looking for absolution, don’t come knocking on my door: join the Catholic church.  If you are looking for resolution, then if you don’t have the guts to face me in person, you aren’t worth any more of my time than this column took to write. And that’s ALL you are going to get.  (And I only wrote this because a stupid email apology is so laughable and makes good fodder.)

uber-heartlessly,
-Natalie

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2 comments so far
  1. Deanna February 1, 2008 5:06 pm

    Words to live by….

    Also, the list of deeds on #3? Whoo, how could a real friend (even if we’re talking online only here) do that to someone they consider a “friend”? That shit ain’t right, yo.

  2. Idabelle Fosse January 13, 2009 12:26 am

    a-the-fuck-men to that!!!! obviously you knew the creature from the exchange below as well.
    so today, while i was updating one of my social marketing pages, i found an invite from a man i was involved with in college when i was 16. he raped me, twice, and i have never had a conversation with him about it. at first, i didn’t feel anything. then i wrote to him, and got really angry as i read his replies. here is the exchange….

    ——— I wrote ————
    i knew eventually i would come across your face again. this was not something that i was looking forward to. you were an asshole to me, treated me like shit, and raped me. twice, and you fucking tried to friend me???? seriously???. i have been waiting a long time to tell you what i thought of you, you sorry ass shit.

    ——— he wrote ————
    Idabelle. I’m sorry it took so long for you to be able to say that and I truly hope that pain has not been a major obstacle in your relationship to the world. My past is one in which I wrestle with each day. I am now clean and sober which has given me insight, self forgiveness and humbleness; have two wonderful boys, age 5 and 3 and a great llife here. If you need to express any pain you think I have caused you; please feel free to do so; if that will help in your healing process, which I sincerly hope is your journey. Peace be with you

    ——— I wrote ————
    any pain that i THINK you might have caused me???? what kind of fucking bullshit is that? you scum sucking pig! you RAPED me. TWICE!!!! what kind of goddamn sorry ass program are you working? i surely hope that your sponsor reminds you about that 5th step, and the 9th step asshole. how dare you patronize me? and you have no idea how happy i am to know that you have forgiven yourself. that certainly makes amends doesn’t it. you fucking self centered, arrogant sorry ass panty waste! i feel sorry for your wife/partner and children.

    ——— he wrote ————
    I’m actually not in a program but I have been in therapy for several years. I don’t mean to patronize you. I’m sorry if it came across like that. If you need to continue to express your anger at me that’s ok. My personal email address is

    ——— I wrote ————
    i know it’s okay asswipe, i don’t need your fucking permission to feel my feelings or express them. you have always been in therapy and it clearly hasn’t done you alot of good. AA would never have let you get away with this shit, that’s why it works.

    ——— he wrote ————
    What I meant was that I wouldn’t block your emails from reaching me if you wanted to continue to write me

    ——— I wrote ————
    and i would want to do that why? you obviously can’t admit what you did to me was wrong. you can’t apologize for what you did and the pain you caused, you can’t take any fucking responsibility for yourself or your actions (obviously haven’t changed all that much, have you?) just cuz you stopped drinking doesn’t mean that you have changed in any way. no, i don’t want to continue with you asswipe, i have said my peace.


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