One of my most Heartless moments…

by Natalie P.

April 3, 2008 | Filed Under Lifestyles of the Heartlessly Bitchy, The Heartless Bitch Way | 8 Comments

Many years ago now… I was at a Pagan festival. 

As one does at these festivals, much alcohol consumption and late night dancing to drums happened. Some of it _may_ have involved less than the usual amount of clothing.

The next morning left all of us feeling a little worse for the wear.

My tent-mates still sound asleep, I sat next to the communal camp fire, too tired to attempt to even get a propane stove going to boil water, and figured I’d boil enough for a cup of instant coffee on a grate placed over the fire pit.  There were several people around the fire at this early hour (I think it was around noon), trying, as was I, to recover some semblance of humanity.  A guy innocently asked if he could borrow my spoon. I told him that I was “half-past homicidal” without my first cup of coffee and he should wait until I had at least ingested some form of caffeine before attempting to wrest the spoon from my hand. IF he valued his life, that is.  He gave me *that* look, and left in search of more easily accessible cutlery.

Finally the water boiled and I sat there savouring my coffee, taking in my surroundings.  I am an avid “people watcher” at the best of times, and this provided a most fascinating venue for that pursuit.  In particular, was captivated by the activities of one young girl at the camp fire.

She couldn’t have been more than 18 or so. She had a pack of wieners with her – you know, the kind that come 8 to a pack.  She was on her seventh wiener. Not that she had eaten the previous six – they had all fallen into the fire…But she was determined to try and cook and eat at least one of them.

I had watched her systematically put each wiener, starting with the first, onto a stick, sideways, and then watched as it cooked and then fell apart into the fire.  She wasn’t so desperate for food that she was willing to retrieve the fallen bits from the ashes, but she was visibly distressed by each loss. Never-the-less, she kept putting the wieners on the stick the same way each time, watching them eventually fall, and not actually figuring out that MAYBE… just MAYBE… she should try something different.  (What WAS that “definition of insanity”?)

I was RAPT.  Was she going to “get it”? Or were ALL her wieners going to be fed to the gods of the fire?  Only two left!  I said nothing and watched in anticipation, feeling like Jane Goodall, watching a primitive ape try to use a tool.  Yes, I am THAT Heartless. I said nothing.  I really did want to see what she did next. Would she lose the entire pack of wieners? Would she THINK to try something different on her own?  I needed to know.

And then, out of the blue, some MORON says, “You really should put it on the stick LENGTHWAYS. It won’t fall off that way.” and he showed her how to stick it on through the END of the wiener, and not the middle. I couldn’t help myself, I cried out, “You RUINED THE EXPERIMENT!”

The folks sitting around the fire looked at me quizzically, having no comprehension in their half-drunk, hung-over states, WHAT I was muttering on about, least of all the object of my research.  She remained, as I expected, utterly oblivious.

I’m now pretty firmly convinced that in the grand scheme of things, in a primitive world, or if society were to collapse around us due to some global catastrophe, such a person would be considered “prey”, and not “predator”.  In a more primitive world, she would have been eaten before she had a chance to reproduce – like the slowest gazelles in the pack.  Unfortunately, in today’s society, she’s probably going to be popping out 5 or more kids because she’s too STUPID to figure out birth control, and “helpful” people are ensuring her survivability by making sure she knows how to thread a wiener on a stick (metaphorically speaking).  It’s all very distressing.

On the other hand, in the event of a global catastrophe, I have no doubt which end of the spectrum *I’d* come out on.  (The bf has been talking about getting me that compound crossbow I’ve been lusting after).

This girl ain’t NOBODY’S prey.  Heh.

Email This Post Email This Post


Leave a Comment

If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.

Name

Email

Website

Comments

 

8 comments so far
  1. Cassandra April 3, 2008 4:15 am

    This is, quite possibly, the best thing I’ve read in months. And I read *a lot*. Thanks for the laughs.

  2. Kimberly April 4, 2008 5:11 pm

    Wow. There is ALWAYS some “helpful” fucktard around who ensures survival of the dumbest, eh? Yep.

  3. John Smith April 7, 2008 2:02 pm

    Bwaahahaa!! Why am I not surprised that a loser like you was at a Pagan festival with a bunch of stupid 18 year olds? hahah!

    You should post a picture of your boyfriend, if you actually do have one, that is. Why am I dubious? He’s either a total loser like yourself, or he’s a completely feminized wimp.

    Shouldn’t you be gay or something? Don’t lesbians love loser chicks who act like men and hang out with 18 year olds?

    By the why, women sucks at math and computers, which is why you have to name-drop every fucking protocol or piece of software. No wonder why your “bf” has a better job than you.

    :)

  4. Gabriella April 9, 2008 1:03 pm

    I made myself a sword in metal shop this past monday. When the apocalypse comes, I may die, but not before maiming my attackers first…

  5. Natalie P. April 15, 2008 11:16 pm

    “John Smith” (you fucking coward)…. Why is it that detractors like you always assume I am a) fat or b) ugly, or c) a lesbian? You guys are SO threatened by an intelligent woman who won’t put up with the kind of bullshit you dish out.

    What is probably closer to the truth than any of your speculation, is that you, “John Smith”, (and the hordes of guys like you), are threatened by the fact that someone like ME: smart, hot, non-traditional, geeky, sexy, funny, and capable of calling you on your truckloads of SHIT, wouldn’t look TWICE at an asshole like you. And you will never get a woman like me. You probably have shits smarter than the women you date, and you probably like it that way – because they don’t threaten your fragile, weak ego.

    And for the record, I earn FAR more than the bf, who, while brilliant, works, for ethical and personal interest reasons, for an NGO. I also ROCK at math (and always have), am killer at debugging, could code most people (male or female) under the table in my day, have been praised by every manager I had, and have had people follow me from one company to the next.

    I work in the entrepreneurial space, which pays more, but is also higher risk. The bf and I actually do similar work but for companies with vastly different sizes and risk profiles. It makes our professional and technical discussions very interesting, to say the least.

    So basically, “John” wiener “Smith”. Bite me.

  6. wendy April 16, 2008 4:00 am

    Natalie, John “Smith” thought he was being clever disguising his surname but we all know it is really Thomas.

  7. Kimberly April 17, 2008 7:58 am

    Isn’t it amusing how the John SmithISH types hide behind false names and computers? You think this person would behave this way to your face? Uh uh. I suppose one must be ignorant/stupid to receive positive feedback from John Smith, eh? Tis such a shame that people like us will most likely have to carry fucktards like “John Smith.” Wow.

  8. Jurhael May 1, 2008 1:51 am

    “John” is just mad because you’re not “easy prey”. People like him hate that.


Your Ad Here


Allposters.com

Buy fun Heartless BitchStuff and help keep HBI running!

We now Accept

Acceptance Mark