My conversation with TomTom

by Natalie P.

March 24, 2008 | Filed Under Computers, Random Silliness | No Comments

The bf loves his TomTom. He takes it everywhere.  He lets it guide us everywhere. Even to places we already know how to get to.  Like home.  And he makes sure it talks to us.  He even carries it when he’s walking. You know, just in case he gets lost on the way to the bus stop. (It could happen.  Side note: his coat is so heavy from all the gadgets he carries that I swear it weighs about 30lbs)

This week, TomTom has the voice of Mission Control from NASA.  Last week, it was some supposedly soothing female voice.

Last night, on the way home, I was tired, cranky, and talking back to TomTom. It went something like this:

TomTom: Space Shuttle, this is Mission Control, bypass the international space station, you are clear for joining the motorway.

Me:  It’s called the Queensway.  Idiot.

TomTom:  Go 800 metres and then TURN LEFT.

Me: No, you moron. I won’t.

TomTom: TURN LEFT.

Me: Fuck you.

TomTom: TURN LEFT at the next street, then TURN LEFT.

Me: Bite me.  That’s a stupid route.

TomTom: TURN LEFT

Me:  Ok, I’ll turn left now, but only because I WANT to. Not because you told me to, you self-satisfied, smug piece of silicon.

TomTom: TURN LEFT at the next street.

Me: Pushy and demanding, aren’t we?  I’ll turn left if I damned well want to.

Of course, it IS rather pointless to talk back to it. At least at this stage in its evolution. But it made ME feel better. The bf just rolled his eyes.

Personally, I want a TomTom that’s more snarky when you don’t follow its directions.  You can buy an upgrade with John Cleese’s voice, but it’s pretty vanilla.  I’d pay MONEY to get an upgrade with John Cleese’s voice but one where he berates the driver if you don’t make a suggested turn.  I’d secretly download it onto the bf’s TomTom while he slept….  Can you imagine?

CleeseTomTom: Putter along for 800 metres or so and then TURN Left.

(drive past the place where we were supposed to turn)

CleeseTomTom: You STUUUUPID GIT!  I told you to TURN LEFT back there!  Now you’ve missed the turn and I’m going to have to recalculate everything! Harumph! 

CleeseTomTom: Ok.  Turn left up here at the next street, and this time, get it right will you?

(drive past place where we are to turn)

CleeseTomTom: You bloody MORON. You did it again!  You missed the turn AGAIN!  I don’t know why I bloody bother to try at all with you…

and so on…

A girl can dream, can’t she?

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