Bitchitorial
The Forbidden Fruit (Juice)
May 5th, 2004
Parents of teenagers know that teens aren't the most cooperative creatures,
or the easiest to get along with. The parents who survive the teenage years
with their kids and their relationship to those kids intact understand that
the biggest challenge is to keep an open dialogue with them. They understand
that, in spite of all frustrating and annoying things that teens can do, you
have to focus on what is important. The big picture. The significant stuff.
Unfortunately, some parents just don't have a perspective on what the BIG
stuff really is.
I know some people who have two great teenage boys. Folks regularly comment
on how great these kids are. Not that they're quite perfect, but who is?
Sure, they occasionally slack off in typical, indolent teenage fashion. They
probably watch too much TV and play too many video games. But they aren't in
trouble with the law. They do their own laundry, cook meals, do chores
around the house and yard (maybe not always to their parents' standards, but
nevertheless, they do them), and are generally respectful and considerate of
adults--at least those that treat THEM with respect. The biggest difficulty
these parents face is that their younger son is struggling with school, and
is challenging them quite frequently because he doesn't agree with their
parental "style." (But I'll get to the "style" issue in a minute.)
Well, it seems that this son recently committed a Grievous Offense. An
Offense Grievous Enough to warrant grounding. What was this Offense, you
ask? Did he fire up a doobie? Sneak into the liquor cabinet and hit the
hooch? Get caught playing Coed Naked Twister? Break a neighbor's window?
Blow up the stereo? Egg a cop car? Set the 37" TV on a massage table in a
fit of pique, and let it tip over and explode?
No. The boy drank some orange juice.
I'm serious. You heard me right. HE DRANK SOME GRANNY-SLAPPIN' ORANGE JUICE.
Maybe he even drank half a carton of this precious, life-giving, all
important ORANGE JUICE. But not even OUT of the carton. He used a frickin'
GLASS. (Wait. A teenager used a glass? Lawd 'a' mercy! What's next?
NAPKINS?)
Despite this refinement, however, this was a Major Transgression. What's
more, it was a Class-Based Transgression, which as we all know, is one of
the worst of all possible types of Grievous Offense.
Some explanation is in order. There's a Juice Hierarchy in this household.
For the hoi polloi, the Epsilons--that is, for the two boys--there is the
crap from concentrate. For the exalted ones, the purported Alphas (the
parents), there is Tropicana Pure Premium. Not that the Alphas actually take
a straight hit of the good stuff. Oh, no no--they use it to whomp up 'health
shakes" with all manner of soy-based ingredients. The kind of scary shakes
that look and taste like sludge no matter what. And for THIS stuff, which
the Alphas slurp for breakfast, there MUST be Tropicana Pure Premium. No
other juice will do. But for the Epsilons, who may not wish to partake of
the "breakfast shake" sludge and might prefer to drink the juice straight,
there's the "from concentrate" crap. Which is, as every good Alpha knows,
more than good enough for the unsophisticated taste buds of an Epsilon.
But back to the events at hand....
His parents had made it clear that it is verboten for him to drink the
special forbidden juice, and this teenager has done the unthinkable. In this
household, DRINKING THE JUICE is apparently akin to Eve snacking on an apple
from the Tree of Knowledge. God has spoken, and He has said, "Thou shalt not
drink of the precious Tropicana."
There's nothing more tempting to a teenager than an asinine taboo just
waiting to be broken... (except maybe downloading the latest killer video
game. :-)
When the parents come home, well, as Monty Python would say, "NO ONE expects
the Spanish Inquisition!" But there it is: The telltale glass is left on the
counter; juice is clearly missing from the container. OH. MY. *GOD.* Call
the police. SOMEONE DRANK THE JUICE. WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION.
Horror of horrors. Someone drank the TROPICANA and now there might not be
enough for breakfast! This hoopla over orange juice sets off a chain of
events that would be humorous if it weren't so bloody pathetic.
Said glass, apparently, contained residue that the refined Alpha nostrils
immediately recognized as the contraband, ambrosial Tropicana. Both kids
deny drinking the juice--I mean, partaking of The Ambrosia. So in true
dysfunctional fashion (I mean, would YOU be functional in this kind of
setup?) the two teenage boys in the house are pitted against each other,
complete with finger pointing and recriminations. The younger brother
fingers the older brother; the older brother insists he saw the younger
actually LIFTING THE GLASS. (And don't get me started on how these paragons
of parenthood have set up the older brother over the years to rat on and
continually criticize his younger brother. It's all about divide-and-conquer
in that family.)
These stellar parents have now not only created a scene over a lousy glass
of orange juice, they've also managed to instigate yet more hostility
between two teenage boys who already have sibling rivalry problems. Bravo!
TWO. TWO conflicts for the price of ONE!
Isn't it lovely how an atmosphere of mistrust, deceit, pettiness,
bait-and-switching, and busted alliances can make it so easy for one brother
to roll on another? When repeated experience has proven that the best way to
escape the jaws of yet another Endlessly Condescending Talk is to chum the
waters with some tasty fraternal bait? Wow. What a way to build WARM, LOVING
family bonds!
And there is also the past history of the suspect to consider, too. After
all, he HAS lied more than once in the past. Not about gang affiliations or
anything like that, sure. But come ON. We're talking Grievous Offense, here!
Tropicana, dammit!
Anyway. Despite the damning evidence and testimony, the younger son still
vehemently denied drinking THE JUICE, so he was judged, condemned, lectured
within an inch of his vitamin-C-deficient life, and grounded from sleepovers
for the weekend for lying.
For lying . . . about a glass of Orange Juice.
Not about getting a girl pregnant, or crashing a car.
About drinking a glass of upper-crusty, You're Not Good Enough So Keep Your
Greasy Mitts Off orange juice.
Perhaps the kid was in such an insulin-spiked stupor from finally having
some of the GOOD stuff in his bloodstream that he forgot he drank it? Who
knows? Who CARES?
THEY care. This is life-and-death stuff, you know. It's Tropicana, dammit.
While I can't condone lying, I can certainly see how a teenager who has
basically been given the message that he is NOT WORTHY of the GOOD stuff
might not exactly want to come clean about taking some. In fact, it wouldn't
surprise me if he drank the juice AND denied it as his own
passive-aggressive little bird-flipping way to aspire to transcend his place
in the Untouchable class. (Personally, I would think it would be in their
best interest to SHARE the juice. Not sharing OJ with the kids almost
guarantees that I wouldn't want to drink it, either. You won't be able to
taste a loogie in a "Health Shake".)
And it's not like this kid's parents are so strapped for cash that they
can't afford to keep their kids in "the good stuff." His father and
stepmother have hobbies into which they have poured THOUSANDS of dollars.
They own two vehicles, a house and acreage, and a condo up a ski hill. They
run a very successful business. The last few years, they've vacationed in
Europe and California (sans kids, of course). They have a very well-stocked
wine cellar. It's not as though they're exactly STRUGGLING financially.
They'll give them big, showy birthday presents, but will cheap out, in a
particularly egregious way, on something as basic as orange juice. What kind
of twisted message is THAT to give to your kids?
And of all the petty, small-minded things to get on your kid's case about.
REALLY. So many parents out there are struggling with REAL issues, like
SEX/PREGNANCY/STDS, DRUGS, GANGS, and TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE. It's almost
like these orange-juice challenged people are going LOOKING, with TWEEZERS,
for ways to cause conflict with their kids.
But wait, it gets better..... the REAL irony is that these very same
parental units have given their kids such trite, homily-filled books as
"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff"!
Obviously this is yet another case of "Do as I say, Not as I do."
(I spoke to a friend of mine who is a family therapist, and she began to
cringe the moment I mentioned that there was the "good/reserved" orange
juice in the fridge that was off-limits to the kids. When I told her the
whole story, her comment was: "This is the sort of thing that is going to
have those kids in therapy for YEARS as adults!" She said that there should
be NO double standards for food in the house for kids. If the parents claim
they can't afford to have the KIDS drinking fresh-squeezed orange juice,
then THEY shouldn't be drinking it either. It gives the kids the message
that they AREN'T WORTH IT. And kids aren't stupid. Sadly, I think she's
absolutely right. The whole reason I found out about this incident was
because I noticed that the beverage offender had changed his MSN chat name
to "I want in the fridge too." He was half-laughing at it, and told me it
was no big deal, but at the same time I can tell that these little cuts,
these little petty incidents, hurt deeply and in ways his parents will never
see. It's almost as if they don't WANT to have a good relationship with
him.)
Of course, if you ask the parents, they will go on and on about how it's all
about HONESTY, and not about THE JUICE. (Like if you don't nip this juice
thing in the bud NOW, next thing you know, this kid is going to be jacking
strangers for "Snapple" or "Red Bull"! You just never know when your kid
might turn to a life of crime...)
If they hadn't made such a big, fat, hairy deal out of it in the first
place, the kid wouldn't have been cornered into lying. If DRINKING the JUICE
weren't verboten, he might even have PHONED them at work and let them know
they needed to pick up more juice on the way home. But these fine points are
lost on them. They insist it's all about HONESTY.
Here's the REAL kicker: These parents, who are so very PEDANTIC about the
importance of HONESTY, will sit at the dinner table bad-mouthing their own
so-called "friends" in front of their children. Yep. What a fine, FINE
example they set for HONESTY. Perhaps they have it confused with that OTHER
"H" word ... HYPOCRISY. What an amazing demonstration of Leading (Off a
Cliff) By Example!
Needless to say, every transgression in that house triggers A Talk. The kids
have come to dread these Talks, which aren't intended to be dialogues or
real forums for COMMUNICATION. No no, they're just vehicles for the parents
to expound on and justify why they are RIGHT. Oh, and they're also used as a
forum to LAUGH at the kids, and invalidate them when they express their true
feelings. Yep. That's right. Just one week before the Heinous Orange-Juice
Incident (HOJI), the accused child was frog-marched through a "family
discussion" during which he stated, honestly and openly, that he felt he was
making good decisions for himself. Whereupon his father SNIDELY LAUGHED AT HIM, in
front of the rest of the family. When the son asked what was so funny, his
father eventually replied, still chortling: "Oh, never mind."
The child repeatedly asked him to explain what he thought was funny, but the
father kept telling him "never mind," and DID NOT APOLOGIZE to his son for
his grossly inappropriate, BELITTLING behavior.
Wow. What a GREAT way to build trust and compassion with your child. Laugh
at him in front of others AND invalidate him when he's trying to tell you
his true feelings and be open and honest with you. And DON'T be open and
honest with HIM. Tell him "never mind" when he asks you for YOUR
motivations. This is how to enact the death of a relationship by a thousand cuts. Each one so
small. Each one festering.
And they wonder WHY he could possibly be acting out against them, and
DRINKING THE JUICE. Gee. Quelle surprise.
And these are the same parents who have sentenced their son to volunteer
service work as punishment for slacking off in one of his classes. (The
older brother did almost as poorly in the same class, but did HE get
punished? No. Yet another cut.) Of course, the kid was not allowed to offer
his time to the cause of his choice. Presumably, spending time working for a
cause that MEANS something to him, or that might be something he would ENJOY
doing, compromises the punishment factor. He wanted to volunteer at the
SPCA. Nope, they wanted him to volunteer to work "with people," because they
want him to learn to be "more giving to others." (And because obviously
there are no PEOPLE to work with at the SPCA.) Does anyone ELSE see the
bitter irony in this? Did either parent offer to do the volunteer work WITH
the son? Perhaps using it as an opportunity to spend some time with him and
really develop a better relationship? Anybody want to put some money on it?
I don't doubt that these people love their kids, but they sure have a
messed-up way of showing it. And nobody is permitted to question the
"rightness" of their actions, least of all their own children. Maybe one
day, if they learn how to apologize, to admit they've done something wrong
or inappropriate--maybe one day, if they actually start LISTENING to their
kids and VALIDATING their feelings, their kids might have reason to follow
suit, to reciprocate. Until then, I just hope that all that money they save
on orange juice is put into a family-therapy fund. Their kids are going to
need it.
heartlessly,
-
(with a whole lot of editorial contributions from Tavia and Jadesyren,
who are just as aghast at how ludicrous this whole thing was.)
Take our "What would YOU do with a kid who drank the Tropicana?" Poll!
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