Believe it or not,
Valentine's day is the day that HBI sees the MOST traffic. I blame it on the
disaffected, myself. And who wouldn't be? Who in their RIGHT mind would like or
enjoy such a stupid trumped-up "holiday"? Geeze, Christmas decorations aren't even down, and the sickly ventricles of love are being plastered all over the stores. Now before you disregard my
loathing of this ridiculously saccharine event by assuming that I must be one
of the single, lonely and lovelorn people, (and therefore "jealous" of all the
"happy" couples out there), let me set you straight. My disdain exists regardless of my relationship status. I'm in a perfectly happy, loving and fun
relationship, and yet I HATE all the trappings of this Hallmark Holiday, but more importantly, I hate the IDIOCY it inspires. I hated it when I was single. I hated it when I was part of a "couple".
I've honestly heard of women
who sit there JUDGING their boyfriends, based on what they get as gifts on
Valentine's day. Guys AFRAID of "getting in trouble" if they don't
get the right thing. Oh for Pity's sake! I've got a recommendation for any of
you guys who have a girlfriend who is playing that game: DUMP HER SELF-ABSORBED
MATERIALISTIC ASS.
Real love doesn't wait for a
"day" to display itself, and it certainly isn't represented by pink
teddy bears, chocolates, disposable lingerie, and "always and
forever" cards with enormous red hearts on them.
Don’t get me wrong – I have
nothing against gifts – god knows, I love giving them, and enjoy receiving. But
I want anything given to be done out of something more genuine than a mandated
holiday where giving has been relegated to an obligation rather than a
statement of love or caring.
And so, in protest, I
offer you a contest.
I am looking for the
"worst sex of my life" story.
I'll hold the contest open
till the end of February, to allow those disaffected VDay surfers to find this
page. The winner will receive a T-shirt of his or her choice and a BeanBitch. Be sure to submit your story with a real email address and contact info
so that we can send you the prize if we decide your story wins.
RULES:
It has to be printable (I'm not looking for Porn - I'm looking for funny, embarrassing or otherwise hilarious stories of sex gone wrong.)
It has to be about consensual sex - no rape stories please.
It has to be original - don't send someone else's story or something you read somewhere on the web.
By submitting, you are granting HBI full rights to use the story however we please
It is the sole discretion of the Judges to decide the winner.
To start things off, I'll
post one of my own...
Natalie's Story....
When I was in my youth, I
went through a phase where I was more interested in a guy's appearance than his intellect.
(fortunately, I outgrew that fairly quickly)... Jay and I met when we were dancing one night, and
as it turned out, we went to the same school that fall. He was good
looking - Indonesian/Dutch blend, and very attractive. He could dance very well, dressed
well, and *seemed* to be reasonably intelligent. I was rather young and naive -
I had only had one other serious boyfriend before, so I overlooked the
excessive neatness, the pristinely white running shoes, the
never-a-hair-out-of-place coif, and the
constantly-having-to-check-himself-out-in-the-mirror thing. (I told you I was
YOUNG).
After a few months of
dating, we came to a point where we decided to have sex. I wasn't a virgin, so
I had SOME idea what sex was like and what I would enjoy. He still lived at home, but the parents were
away, so we figured this would be the perfect opportunity. To say that the guy was an utter disappointment would be an understatement.
He was so small, he had to
HOLD the condom on the entire time (which was about 3 or 4 minutes, I think).
Talk about awkward! I could barely feel ANYTHING except his hand getting in the
way and the discomfort of it. He never went down on me, yet acted like the
whole process was too messy for him. He was so squicked it made my skin crawl.
He insisted we shower right afterward.
And then, to make matters worse, he suggested I DOUCHE afterwards! With
HIS MOTHER'S DOUCHE...
eeeeeewwwwww! (Of course, I refused, but ask yourself. HOW did he know ANYTHING about that???)
My young, naive mind was
actually feeling GUILTY that I wanted to dump the guy because the sex was bad.
Ok, it wasn't just bad - it was abysmal. It wasn't too long after that,
that I found out that he didn't have his own bedroom at his parents house. His
parents were separated but his father was still living there, so Jay was SHARING A BEDROOM WITH HIS MOTHER. But wait. It gets better...
THEIR BEDS WERE PUSHED TOGETHER. Ostensibly to save space in the room. The guy
was 18 years old.
Creepy. Creepy. Creepy.
Uh yeah. I broke up with
him.
Melissa's Story....
Since this is near the anniversary of the last horrid experience, I figured "what the hell".
It was Valentine’s Day, which I wasn’t too thrilled about to begin with.
After the $200.00 worth or so of presents were done (including the
obligatory Victoria’s Secret gift card), I dressed in some of my
favorite lingerie. We had the house to ourselves, so we decided to have
some fun in the living room. My boyfriend and I had been having some
relationship difficulties, and I think he was desperate. Some foreplay
ensued, semi-clumsy as always. I gave him oral sex, which he loved, and
much to my surprise, he suddenly decided to try it on me. The first time
in our 8 year relationship that he’s tried this. (The man’s gag reflex
was so sensitive; he gagged himself brushing his teeth). Needless to
say, after a few minutes of him gagging and fumbling all over my girly
bits, I got him to stop. By then, he was ready to go again for sex, and
at least I got an orgasm out of it. Sadly, it was the usual way, me on
top and making him lie still. Thank God I know how to get myself off.
Well, about a month or so later, I left him. On his birthday, but that’s
a story for another day.
Nicci's Story...
The worst sex was a guy who lived in the same block of flats as me who
had been flirting with me for sometime. I’d intended it to be the first
date of a relationship, but it ended as a one night stand because I never
wanted to see him again afterwards. I was embarrassed for him. He fucked
like he had read a manual on sex but had never tried it out for real
before. It was all technique - tweak here, lick there, thrust that, but
no sense of him actually enjoying it. He cranked at my breasts like he
was trying to tune in a radio or crack a safe. When we actually had sex
he was bouncing around so much he was practically banging his arse on
the ceiling. I asked him several times to slow down, aiming for a nice
sensual shag, but no: thrust, bounce, thrust, bounce ad nauseum. At one
point the words went through my mind, "And what exactly are you trying
to do there?" It can’t have been pleasurable for him and it certainly
didn’t work for me. There was no way I was going to cum, and no way I
was going to fake it to flatter his ego. I asked him to stop, got
dressed and went home. Then did my best to avoid him till my tenancy was
up (that was me before I discovered HBI, now I wouldn’t be so nice).
My other worst shag never actually happened - the guy was too big for me
and couldn’t get it in. Lots of embarrassed fumbling and grunting, but no
bloody sex. Yes guys and gals, there IS such a thing as a penis that is
too big.
Mike's Story...
Okay, this won't win the
prize since it's not really what you're looking for, but it's funny enough.
About seven years ago I was living with my fiancee in a garage
apartment in Houston, about twenty feet from our landlady's apartment, which had a large
balcony where she liked to entertain her friends.
This was around the early
part of summer when the weather was intolerably hot but not yet deadly, so we
were leaving the windows open and the AC (a loud window unit) off. Anyway,
about two weeks before we'd discovered how she could have multiple orgasms
regularly, and we were still having fun seeing just how many were
possible. It was a Saturday morning, and when we woke up we drifted into
foreplay, and after a few minutes I started going down on her. After her first
orgasm she clasped my head in place, so I know she wanted to go on for a few
more.
About twenty minutes later,
after her most recent orgasm, we suddenly heard a whistle and laughter and a
man's voice saying, "There's number six..." We looked up and
suddenly remembered the windows were open, so we peeked out timidly to see our
landlady having coffee on her balcony with two friends.
She just smiled and said,
"Hello, dears."
"Uh, hello."
"Very hot these days, isn't
it?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Getting so humid
you'll need to keep your windows closed soon."
"Uh, yeah."
"Well, have a nice day
now."
"You too."
Then we shut the
window.
>>More Stories
So what's YOUR story?
Make sure you don't use real names, and by submitting your story to us via email, you
are granting Heartless Bitches International full rights to use it and print it. We will display only your
first name, and will NOT disclose your email address. (Be sure to keep
the subject prefixed with "STORY:" or my spam filter will eat your
reply)
to send me your worst sexual experience story.
(Oh, and be sure to put heartless-bitches.com on your spam filter's
"safe list" or you might miss our reply email if you
win!)
Heartlessly,
-Natalie
