In my January 30th column, I held a contest for the best "Bad Sex" Story. We had plenty of contributions,
and it was tough deciding, but utlimately we chose "Chelle's Story". We'll be contacting Chelle to determine where to send her prize.
Moving on to more recent things... We've had a BOATLOAD of Membership apps from the UK in the last two weeks. What's up? I mean, we DO have an International following, but the number pouring in from the UK is much higher than usual. Was the site reviewed in a magazine or newspaper, or on radio or TV? If you know, by all means, let me know.
(Recent update: A new member wrote in to say that a link to HBI was posted in the forums on a British site called, The Bad Mother's Club. The Main site graphic/logo slays me. Kindred spirits (ba-da-bum-ching!) it would seem. )
In addition to a whole whack of membership apps from the UK, I received a rather amusing email last week. Yes, I receive dozens of emails each week regarding the site (not including the HUNDREDS of spam emails), and most I "bin" or discard or "file"... but this one was one of those missives that was RIPE for riffing and commentary.
It seems the author took exception to an article on HBI. It is almost a guarantee that if someone has a problem with an article, it's because THEY have the problem and it hurts to see it exposed. That appears to be the case here as well.
And so it goes....
--------------------------------
I love your site, you guys rock.
However. I do have a nit to pick. It comes in the first line of the
"Evil Stepmother Plan":
"Plan to marry before your intended has even met your children. Choose
someone who is rigid and inflexible. If she is an anal-retentive control freak,
even better. It is preferable to choose someone who has never had children of
her own and thinks she knows everything there is to know about parenting
because then she will be less likely to question her actions or admit she might
be wrong."
=========
Ok...as an Evil Stepmother who doesn't have children of her own, I think you
may not be getting the whole story.
The "evil stepmother plan" points out how to set up a new wife
to be an evil stepmother, and how the women do it to themselves as well.
It doesn't say that every stepmother falls into this category. So
I ask, who slapped YOU with the Evil Stepmother label? It seems YOU slapped that one on yourself all BY
yourself, so I'm not really interested in hearing you whine about how much it
itches.
As with guys who complain about the Nice Guy pages, I say
that if it bugs you, maybe it's because there's some kernel of truth that hits
too close to home.
The truth of the matter is that a SMART woman would want to know if there was a
toxic or unhealthy dynamic with the kids BEFORE she married someone. That would
mean living with the husband and kids first -- hell, MEETING the kids first --
before planning a marriage ... don't you think?
This one sounds like an article written by a disgruntled
stepkid, not by someone who has lived the stepmother life.
Wrong. In fact, it was written as a compendium of experiences, and with
the input of a family counselor who has seen the 'evil stepmother' syndrome, as
described, happen all too many times. Remember, this article does not
describe *all* stepmothers -- it describes a subset that allow themselves to be
maneuvered (or deliberately maneuver themselves) into the "evil stepmother"
role.
Yes, there are "anal-retentive control freaks"
who are stepmothers, but you know? There are a hell of a lot of bio-moms who
are, too.
And where the hell did we say there WEREN'T? And WHAT does
that have to do with the subject at hand? Honestly -- this issue of an
observation made about ONE thing somehow automatically casting some Pall of
Implication over any OTHER thing an indicted-feeling debater wants to drag
across the carpet is just so much pointy-headed, hyper-reductive bullshit.
Most stepmothers are taking on the crappiest job in the
world with no support from anyone, they're the butt of jokes,
I'm sorry, but if you think you're taking on the
"crappiest job in the world" by becoming a stepparent to your
beloved's kids, then you shouldn't BE there. That's the meat of the
problem right there. You think the KIDS
don't pick up on that? Think
again. That's half the problem with evil stepmothers -- they think the
kids are too stupid to pick up on their passive-aggressive behavior and
talk. And excuse me -- "no
support from anyone"? Didn't you, like, MARRY someone? If that person is offering "no
support," then there are some VERY large problems in effect.
and their position is social shorthand for "evil
woman". That's a good start for Heartless Bitch.
And you know what?
They also have to get in the social-shorthand line. Sure there're jokes and bad names. What female-oriented title CAN'T make that
claim? Even "queen," for
pity's sake.
I know plenty of stepmoms who aren't considered "evil" stepmothers because
a) they don't let themselves get maneuvered there, b) they don't have
unrealistic expectations about what their role as stepparent is going to be, c)
they don't see the children as broken things or projects needing to be fixed,
d) they respect and treat the children as individuals, e) they are capable of
compromise, and f) they don't see their role as a stepparent as a "crappy
job."
A stepmother gets something NO woman wants; and that,
dear ladies, is an ex-wife.
Unless he is a widower or something, it's a fucking fact of
life when you marry someone who has kids. SUCK. IT. UP. And quit
whining. Or don't go there.
No matter how nice she is (and most of the time she
isn't), she's an ex-wife.
And the guy is a saint with a dick of gold. Yeah, I've heard that one before too.
It goes both ways.
The
ex-wife may spend a lot of time undercutting the husband's household (and the
stepmother gets blamed for the problems). The ex-wife may tell the kids to hate
the stepmother.
And the stepmother may badmouth the mother in front of the
kids, their friends, or her friends (that then gets back to the kids)...
Heck, she may just use snidely disrespectful terms like "bio-mom," or
roll her eyes when their mother's name is mentioned. It doesn't take much
to set up an uncomfortable and corrosive dynamic. Again, it goes both
ways.
But if you spent enough time with the kids in advance of a wedding, as any
smart Heartless Bitch would, you'd *know* if there was going to be a problem
getting along with their mother, and you wouldn't GO there if it was clear the
environment would be toxic, even if the guy's dick WAS made of gold.
The ex-wife may be sucking up money for her kids, so that
the stepmother and her husband's quality of life falls dramatically. In some
cases, the stepmother's entire paycheck goes to the ex wife. Talk about a
Heartless Bitch.
Wah,
wah, fucking wah. This just sounds like too much sour grapes to me.
If you know the situation going in, then WHY GO THERE? If a woman puts
herself in that position then she has only herself to blame for her
unhappiness. She can't control the
other people -- only her own choices. If a man has kids, unless his wife
died (or the kids are adopted), she is a part of the kid's lives, and by virtue
of that, a part of *his* life -- no matter how much he (and you) resent
it. If there isn't an amicable relationship between him and his ex, then
you either should have KNOWN and accepted that coming into it, or you shouldn't
have gone there in the first place. Whining about how hard you have it,
when those were choices YOU made, is pointless, and anything BUT becoming of a
Heartless Bitch.
Meanwhile, the stepmother is expected to love the kids
like her own, put the children's wants and needs before hers, give over her own
money gladly for the children, be available to the children at the drop of a
hat; but she isn't allowed to discipline them or have any say at all in what
goes on in her home.
Again,
this sounds like sour grapes from someone who put herself in that position and
then resents it. I can just
imagine the (step)maternal warmth overflowing from your bosom as you tend to
the “crappiest job in the world.” (Oh
-- and "what goes on in her home"?
Wasn’t that supposed to be a SHARED home? As in, his AND hers AND theirs,
"they" being the kids? Gotta
watch those telling little territorialisms, hon.)
The truth of the matter is, if you marry someone who already
has kids, those kids will (and rightly SHOULD) be the parent's first priority
-- whether that parent is a man or a woman. If you aren't ready to accept
that, then don't enter into the relationship. If the father
shucks off his responsibility for discipline and care and dumps it on the
stepmother, as some men unfortunately do, you end up with "evil
stepmother" syndrome. But she also LETS it happen, by virtue of
accepting that responsibility, and in some cases, holding it aloft like some
badge of martyrdom. If a woman has no control over or say in what goes on
in their combined home, then SHE has accepted that, so she can either get out
or stop whining about self-inflicted injuries. Don't want your salary going to
support payments? Read the
separation/divorce agreement beforehand and know what you are getting into.
If you get in a situation where *your* disciplinary standards are different
from his, you are GUARANTEED to have problems with the kids. Going into a
relationship knowing this ahead of time, and thinking you can "whip these
kids into shape," is just plain stupid.
And if you DO jump headlong into it thinking your superior parenting
skills are going somehow save the day, you don't have any right to whine about
shitty consequences. These are all things that a careful "getting to
know" of the father, the kids, and the environment would and SHOULD expose
LONG before a marriage takes place.
These are worst case scenarios, of course; I'm fortunate
in that the BioMom stays the hell out of my home,
Wow. Real charming attitude. I'm sure it sets up a wonderful dynamic with
the children.
the kids are quite nice,
Gee... the way you talk about stepparenting, I wonder if
they’d say the same about you when you aren’t in the room ...
and their father does the crap work (his kids, his job:
the way it should be).
You and your spouse don't seem to have a concept of shared parenting; in fact,
you don't seem to want to be a parent at all. There's a clear sense of
"mine" and "his," and not just in relation to the
kids. Your place doesn't sound like a
very fun place to be, for anybody.
A lot of women walk into this situation not knowing the
nightmare it can become, and blaming all the bad stuff that happens on the
stepmother is just foolish, biased and cruel.
You know, if a woman walks into this "not knowing," then she bears a
HUGE part of the responsibility for the resulting crap. Marrying someone
with kids isn't some fucking walk in La-La Land, and if a stepmother
"didn't know," then she didn't take enough time GETTING TO
KNOW. She's not a victim of anything but her own stupidity and/or hubris.
I rarely accept "I didn't know any better" from a CHILD as an excuse;
I absolutely don't accept willful ignorance from an adult -- especially when
there is AMPLE opportunity for the adult to inform herself.
That being said, nobody here is blaming ALL the problems that occur in a
blended family on the stepmother -- the article is specifically about how SOME
men, and SOME women, set themselves up. In fact, if you actually READ the
article, you'll see that the bulk of the ass-kicking in it is directed at the
FATHER that ducks his responsibility to his kids and sets his wife up in a
no-win situation. Her responsibility comes in blindly accepting it, or
buying into the game and playing along. Honestly, I think some women get off
on the whining and whinging they do about how HARD they have it as a stepmother
and how much WORK it is (hand at brow) and how horribly underappreciated they
are. You really have to wonder if the
cross hurts when it's jammed that far up someone's ass. (I've been a stepparent, BTW -- and it was
no different than parenting my own kids. It wasn't a "crappy
job," it was part of the responsibility I accepted when I entered into the
relationship.)
Not only am I a stepmother, my mother is one as well, so
I've seen this issue from more than one perspective.
It doesn't mean those perspectives imbued the viewer with wisdom, apparently.
I know that the point of your site is to be funny and
bitchy, and lord knows there's a lot to be funny and bitchy about in the
stepmother life; but you guys really, really missed the boat on this one.
- Kipling
When a reader writes in, says "Great site -- BUT," and takes issue
with an article, it's clear that the article just hit too close to home.
It's the old "Me thinks s/he doth protest too much." Those who
take exception, 99 times out of 100, do so because they DO see some small (or
large) part of themselves in the article, and they don't like what they see.
Your email just confirms that we hit the nail right on the
head.
Those stepmothers who HAVEN’T fallen into the traps outlined in the article
aren’t bothered by the article -- because they don't see themselves in it, and
they don't see it as an indictment of ALL stepmothers. So no,
sorry, but no boat was missed. I can
understand why you might THINK one was, since your ass is probably feeling all
wet and stuff, but that's thanks to that saggy diaper of yours that leaks.
If you think stepparents are being given a raw deal, then why aren't you
writing in about how rewarding and joyful it is to be a role model and
caregiver for a spouse's children from a past marriage? (Oh, that's right -- because YOU see it as
"the crappiest job in the world.") The kind of stepparent who
really respected and cared for their children's wellbeing would be writing in
to say that a child has to be viewed for who THEY are, not who their parents
are, and that labels like "bio" and "step" are completely
insignificant to that.
If you want to take issue, by all means, write me an article about how to be a
FANTASTIC stepparent -- how to compromise, blend parenting styles, and share
responsibilities with a new spouse in order to have a healthy, loving blended
family.
I'm all ears.
heartlessly,
--Natalie and the HBI editorial team (Instigatrix, and Fabulana)
