Bitchitorial
(The view from the Editor's Chair)
Aug 25th, 2003
The death of Bonnie has hit us all pretty hard here at HBI. The place where our hearts used to be is aching from the loss of someone so special.
I try my best not to live my life with regrets, but I cannot help but regret the fact that I never had the opportunity to visit Bon in Sweden. I'd hoped to
travel through Europe in the next couple of years, and perhaps take my boys with me. Bon was at the top of my list of people to visit.
In many ways our lives paralleled each others - we both made difficult choices around our marriages and parenting.
I was fortunate in that I could negotiate year-to-year rotations with my children - something she desperately wanted,
but was unable to get in her custody arrangements. Even so, she went through many of the trials and tribulations
of helping kids transition in a visitation/custody arrangement.
Though Bonnie and I often had lengthy correspondences, she developed a much closer relationship with Jade. I found out
after Bonnie's death that there were some issues she was struggling with, that I wish I'd known about. I wish I'd had a
chance to talk to her about those issues, because I'd had similar experiences.
I wish I'd had more of a chance to talk to her about
how, like her boys, when mine were younger they sometimes complained bitterly about the travel - (it was mostly an attempt at guilt-tripping me),
yet now they look back with a different perspective - recognizing the positive impact the transitions had on their lives, and recognizing how
much the change of environment helped them to grow and learn and develop more confidence.
I wish I'd had more of a chance to
talk to her about how when my boys were the same age as hers, they too, were often were "too busy" to talk to me on the phone, preferring
instead to watch the latest TV show, or play a computer game, or go out with their friends. Yet now, we spend hours on the phone
chatting about everything from school, to friends, to recent news events, to silly articles on the internet. Kids go through phases and it
doesn't mean they love us any less, it just makes it harder to let them know how much we love THEM.
I wish I'd had
the chance to let her know that her kids would turn out OK, because of one very important thing - she loved them dearly,
and that was evident in every interaction she had with them.
The lessons Bon taught her children though the way she lived
her life will be something that stays within their subconscious, with the potential to blossom into a fuller understanding as they become adults.
Among many things, she taught them about love - and how they shouldn't live out their lives in a
loveless dysfunctional marriage that makes both people miserable. She taught them that people can make mistakes and
redeem themselves - they can make new choices that are positive ones. She taught them that it is possible to and even OK
to love and be loved unconditionally. She taught them that distance doesn't diminish the heart, and that wives and mothers
are also PEOPLE (and not just roles) with feelings and needs of their own.
Above all, I wish Bonnie hadn't died so suddenly and unfairly.
And I wish I'd had the chance to give her those bitch-hugs in person.
not-so-heartlessly,
-Natalie
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