Born-Again Mommies (BAMs)
July 24, 2006
I think we've all met at least one.
You know the type - the one who was a fun, outgoing, on-the-go career woman
that had a baby and suddenly did a 180-degree about face, ditching the
career and any previous personal goals, and in fact eschewing her whole former life as if it was some horrible mistake. Suddenly being a parent is the
most fulfilling thing she has ever done and ever will do - she gushes
like an Anne Geddes photo soaked in saccharine-loaded koolaid, loses her independent identity (introduces her self as
"[insert child's name here]'s mom"), and can't talk about anything but her
child(ren). But even worse, the BAM expends enormous effort trying to convert everyone else over to the
cult of glittery-eyed, sleep-deprived mommihood. I think the lack of sleep adds to the
delusional nature of the BAM. For her, everything about
parenting is wonderful, her children can do no wrong, her life has never been better, and she would
never make a sarcastic or disparaging remark about the "joys" of raising
children. She would never, ever refer to her child as "the kid", "my hellspawn", "the rugrat" or similar terms of questionable endearment.
She couldn't possibly consider leaving the baby/child/kids with their father for an evening and going out dancing with the girls. That would be un-motherly.
It's really no different than the fun, extroverted, partying friend who
suddenly finds God and becomes an utterly self-righteous, preachy
stick-up-the-ass "born again" Christian. Only instead of God, the BAM's
new drug, er, religion of choice is her child and her One True Role(tm) as a parent.
Now before you start frothing at the mouth, ready to send me hate-mail, hear me out.
Look: I don't have a problem with women who sit down with their
partner, work out the options, and decide to stay home to raise a family.
That's not what I take issue with. Hell, if a family can figure that out and it works
for all parties, more power to 'em I say. (Same goes if the couple decides that the father is going to stay home with the kids while they are younger too, btw) And I'm not saying that all women who have children are BAMS.
BAMs are the ones who reject their old life completely - they find nothing good about their previous life -
and have this overarching need to try and convince any other women in the vicinity that they will be "missing out" if they don't follow the
same mommy-track path, and THAT's what I have a problem with.
There is just something so HOLLOW in their sermonizing. Is it a
misery-loves-company thing this evangelical need to convert everyone
else to their chosen lifestyle? I mean, my childless-by-choice friends don't
lecture or try to coerce other friends into NOT having children - they
just resent those people who try to force-feed the "you must breed or
you will regret it" message down their throats. Or is the BAM preaching
because she needs to convince herself that she really is
happy with this new life? Methinks she doth protest too much.
And when they aren't overtly preaching, BAMs are looking disdainfully at
someone who, say, chooses to continue to work and use a nanny or
day-care provider. To the BAM this is the equivalent of letting your
children play with drain cleaner and using them for for satanic rituals. (I'll have you know, I expressly forbade the drain cleaner, but that's only because they wanted it to make explosives)
And heaven forefend you should suggest that having children doesn't make one special - that most women can perform that basic biological function. Hell, even cats and dogs can pop out offspring. Sure, it can be fraught with risk, but it isn't medal-worthy. It doesn't elevate us to the status of the divine as some women would like to believe.
It wouldn't even be so bad if BAMs were at least realistic about what
it's like to be a parent - willing to admit that it's not all gumdrops
and snugglebunnies. Parenting is hard work, and not all that gratifying at times.
You have to laugh about it or you'll go insane. That's why I love Heather
Armstrong's blog - Anyone who can call her self a Shit-Assed Ho
Motherfucker, and write about encouraging her daughter to pick her nose
is OK in my books. And of course there is the Bad Mother's
Club of which I should have been a charter member... But hey,
my kids have hit adulthood and they haven't been arrested, gotten anyone pregnant,
turned into serial killers (as far as I know), and are working and supporting themselves.
On top of that, they are sarcastic and skeptical about almost everything. Yep. My work here is done.
But back to BAMs... I feel exceedingly fortunate that my friends who
have recently had kids have NOT gone the BAM route - in fact one is part
of a group that calls themselves "Mommies who drink" (why didn't they
have that club when my kids were small? Oh, that's right, I was living in fucking STEPFORD back then.).
And it's ironic that as I was writing this column, an irate Shit-Assed Ho
Motherfucker wrote in with her panties all in a knot because she read one article where we
suggested that ONE woman (who is attached to a control-freak who
includes in her duties "looking good" on HIS money), has set herself up
to be a parasite, and somehow that has us slagging all Stay At
Home Moms... This woman went on to expound on all the ways she was NOT a parasite,
missing one crucial and defining point: WE WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT HER.
It's been my experience that people only complain to me about feeling unjustly
targeted when some part of their ass is showing. Or as Instigatrix put
it, "I think she got all chapped when she maybe caught a whiff of
herself coming off the dump, and so she had to take time out from
thinking to Score A Point, because snarking back is SUCH a good way to
deflect any potentially encroaching Uncomfortable Realizations."
She obviously didn't read the members statements from the women who are
parents, (or the OPK rant). Why is it these types completely miss the fact that what our readership
rails against isn't the women who willingly choose to have an
equal partnership which may include staying at home with the kids? (Rhetorical question there folks). What
we take issue with is the EXPECTATION that staying at home and being
domestic (and apparently "looking good" as part of the bargain) is
something women should do because, you know, we're women and
like, it's in our nature and all that, and hell, it's the most fulfiling and important thing we can do with our lives. Doncha know?
It's the people who insist that domesticity is the best and most honorable path a woman can choose that
are the sand in our bathing suits. Truly it's not the "at home by
choice" women we slag, but the self-righteous evangelizing ones, and the ones who
truly ARE parasites.
Then again, I must admit that I just can't identify with women who are
comfortable being totally dependent on someone else for their financial
security. Most Shit-Assed Ho Motherfuckers that I know have a college or
university education, and the capacity to re-enter the workforce if need
be. They haven't sacrificed their ability to support themselves for the
sake of having a family - they've just postponed or delayed and they have other
activities outside their family that they do just for themselves. They aren't "sacrificing" it all for their
family. Hell, even Heather Armstrong, the quintessential SAHM, is actually the one now bringing in the bacon from her blog.
Go figure.
I love my kids dearly, and there are times when we all had a real blast,
and though I'd do it all over again if given the chance, I still can't
say that parenting was the most interesting or fulfilling thing I ever
have done or ever will do. Housework is a never-ending process, helping
with homework is a pain in the ass (I've been through grade school 3
fucking times now. I have NO desire to ever do it again), kids drive you
crazy much of the time (especially if they are smart-assed little
buggers) - they don't appreciate you until they have kids of their own,
and I need more stimulating adult conversations than what is happening
at the local preschool or on The Young And The Restless. You think I'm
stereotyping, but honestly, that was what the stay-at-home moms in my
neighborhood talked about when I was home on maternity leave. Sweet,
wonderful women, but there was nothing there that I could identify
with. When I started caring about what was happening on The Young
And The Restless, I knew it was time to go back to work.
Besides, going back to work was a great excuse to put the kid on the bottle so
that my husband could take some turns geting up 3 times in the night to feed the little
bundle 'o joy, and I could get some much needed SLEEP. And sleep is probably what BAMs need most. That and a dose of stuff-a-sock-in-it pills. I don't want anyone preaching to me about the "One True Path" to fulfilment whether it be god, kids, or the latest diet craze.
Keep it to yourself.
heartlessly,
-Natalie
