"Workplace Confrontations"
Nov 21, 2005
In my last Bitchitorial, I talked about the Heartless Bitch approach to “Being In
Total Control, Honey” in the work place. In that editorial, I explained that taking control
doesn’t always mean confrontation, and gave some specific examples. But what
happens when you DO have a confrontation? I don’t profess to have all the
answers, but I do have a few experiences and lessons learned that I can share.
An executive recruiter and
reference checker once told me that one of my former co-workers said that I can
be a real “Hard-Assed Bitch” at times (surprise surprise). He laughed when he
told me, and said that he didn’t neccessarily see that as a “bad thing” – in fact,
depending on the position, that might be JUST what an employer needs. (He also
mentioned that it likely came from some guy who didn’t have the balls to take orders from a woman, and that his wife ate guys like that for
breakfast.)
It didn’t stop me from getting the job.
Believe it or not, I HAVE
mellowed over the years.
Makes you wonder what I must
have been like in my diplomacy-challenged youth, eh?
Back when I was a junior
programmer and network admin, in my early twenties, I had my first REAL confrontation
with someone at work, and I handled it BADLY. Very Badly.
The story started like this: I had discussed
some network changes with some technicians, and after looking at our options, I
decided to implement the changes. Unfortunately, we didn’t realize that the
changes would have an adverse impact on a project that another engineer was
working on. I was sitting in a computer lab room with a grad student, when the
engineer came storming into the room. He was *irate*. He started yelling at me
about the change, and berating me. My hackles (and back) immediately went up.
Partly it was the fact that another person was there, and partly I think the
whole dominance-thing really had an effect too. I was sitting, and he was standing (over me).
Unfortunately, instead of
trying to figure out what the REAL issues were, and diffuse the situation, I
REACTED. I (very sarcastically) told him I didn’t realize that HE was on THE
LIST of people that I was supposed to notify whenever *I* made a change. (there
was no list, BTW).
In retrospect, I realized this was probably NOT the best thing to say at the time.
He went beet red and the yelling escalated. I yelled back.
I don’t even remember what was exchanged, but I know that I finally turned,
and for the first and only time in my life, I told a co-worker, “Why don’t you
just fuck right off!?” The grad student, poor fellow, was beside himself,
trying to figure out when, where and how to intervene… I’m sure he thought we would
actually come to blows. He kept interjecting with “um… I REALLY think you two
should just separate for a bit…. Really….” Eventually, the engineer stormed
off, and I went to my office fuming and slammed the door. I fixed things on
the network to resolve his problem, but I was still furious. In actual fact, I
was more furious with myself than anything else. Granted, he behaved abysmally,
but I reacted very very badly. I wasn’t in control of anything. Least of all my
temper.
I emailed a friend and
mentor at the University of Washington. He always had the ability to get me
laughing, and his incisive observations on the human condition, plus his wit
and wisdom in these situations were always something I could count on. We
commiserated about the quirky eccentricity of people who work in research. He
told me stories of confrontations he had experienced. And he had some very good
ideas on ways I could deal with a similar situation in future. After a lengthy
email exchange, I felt much better.
As for the engineer, neither
one of us spoke of that incident again. It was as if it didn’t happen. We went
about our work, politely, if somewhat stiffly for the next few weeks, doing our
jobs, and acting as professionals. But about 3 weeks later, he came storming
into my office, angry and fuming once again.
I don’t even remember what
it was about. All I know is that this time, while he stood yelling over me, I
kept my back to him, didn’t look at him, and took deep breaths. When he had
finished yelling, I did a (silent) count of 10, breathing slowly as I did before I
responded. Then I said to him, as calmly and reasonably as I could manage, and without looking at him, “[Name]. (pause…) When
you come into my office angry and on the O-ffensive, my first reaction is to go
on the DE-fensive. When that happens, NOTHING productive is going to happen. I
would like you to leave my office now, and come back when you can talk to me
calmly and civilly.”
He sputtered. Literally. I
swear to god, I could hear him LEVITATING behind me he was so angry. He
shouted a few more things, and I said NOTHING. I kept my back to him, because I
know if I faced him, it would mean engagement at a point when I DIDN’T want to
engage. I KNEW I’d lose my temper again. I just kept breathing and counting to
myself and pretended to type. I didn't look at him because I could tell my face was
probably as red as his. No matter what he said, I didn’t respond.
He finally stormed out of my
office, stamped down the hallway, muttering and fuming all the way.
I took a BUNCH more deep
breaths. I was pretty shaken up. It’s never easy to deal with someone angry and
yelling at you.
I emailed my mentor and he
reassured me that I had handled it correctly this time. It sure didn’t feel
like it, but at least I could feel some pride that I hadn’t compromised my
integrity.
Two hours later, the
engineer came back into my office, pulled up a chair, sat down, and calmly said,
“I’m very sorry about that. It was really inappropriate of me. *Here* is the
problem I am facing….” (or words to that effect). It turned out that
the “problem” was a non-issue and quickly resolved, with no confrontation, no arguing and nary a raised voice or ruffled feather.
Oddly enough, after that
day, he NEVER again yelled at me or treated me poorly, and we worked extremely
well together for *years*. He was one of my best references when I left for
greener pastures.
Sometimes people just have
shit happening in their lives. You may never know about it. And then something
happens at work and it causes them to just “flip out” on a co-worker. Most
people don’t do it intentionally. If you happen to be the object of the “flip
out” you need to remember 3 things:
1.)
This is the hardest
one: DON’T REACT. Just listen and wait until they are done. Breathe deeply
and either avoid eye contact (or do not turn to face them), if it helps you to
keep your composure.
2.)
Remember, it
probably really isn’t about YOU. It’s usually something else that they are
REALLY upset about, and whatever issue they have with you was just the last
straw. Don’t take their anger personally. Easy to say, hard to do. Just keep
saying to yourself : (silently) “It’s not my shit. It’s not my shit.”
3.)
When you feel ready
– usually when the other person has stopped yelling because you aren’t
responding, let him/her know CALMLY and politely that their behavior is
UNACCEPTABLE, offensive, and not conducive to problem resolution. Tell them
that you will be willing to discuss the problem with them and resolve it when
they can talk to you calmly and civilly. If they continue to try and get you
in a confrontation, don't get sucked in. If you have to, repeat to them, “Please leave now and
return when you can discuss this calmly.” After that, say nothing, no matter
what they say - especially if they try to convince you that they ARE calm, when it is clear that they most definitely are NOT.
(If they do seem to have calmed down, I recommend that you still insist they come back later, just to be sure, and to give yourself time to regain your composure.)
They WILL eventually leave. Not everyone will behave as
reasonably as the engineer, but a surprising number of people WILL, when they
have had time to cool down and get a grip.
By not reacting to someone
else’s anger – by refusing to engage, you are taking control of the situation.
By letting the other person know that you find their behavior unacceptable and
that you will NOT engage, you are demanding to be treated with respect, and you
are not taking delivery of someone else’s shit.
Additionally, if the person
initiating the verbal attack is an office “bully” type, they will often do
this kind of thing in front of other co-workers. It’s part of their
power-play. It is rare that you can “win” any open confrontation with people
like that. Those kinds of confrontations are generally won behind closed
doors. Bullies behave MUCH differently when faced down with no one else around
to watch. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stand up to a bully – the very fact
that you are letting them know that their behavior is unacceptable, and that
you refuse to engage when they are behaving that way, is notice to everyone
that you refuse to be treated like a doormat. In a future Bitchitorial, I’ll
share some stories my confrontations with office "bullies"...
Heartlessly,
-Natalie
