The first thing I have to say is, Happy New Year Bitches!
It’s been a VERY interesting
time this last 2 months, to say the least... In December, My ISP got dumped by THEIR ISP,
and I had to move the server very quickly to a new locale. There were residual problems with the IP address allocation, I was popping in and out of town,
some scripts had to be reworked, and so it took a few weeks to settle things down and get things running smoothly again.
And then on top of all of that, my personal life took an abrupt turn. In reference to my LAST
Bitchitorial, I am going to have to eat my words…. And at this time, I can
honestly say that I am happily masticating.
In my last Bitchitorial, I had labeled something as
IMPOSSIBLE, that in fact, was not only in the realm of possibility – it
actually happened. To a certain
extent, I am still in a state of residual shock. It seems that sometimes a verbal kick to the frontal lobe can
dislodge a man’s head from his ass.
Yes, that’s right. That “recently-ex boyfriend” showed up,
on my doorstep, with an apology, some real honesty, and a whole lot more. Despite the fact that some of my friends think I am too forgiving at times,
I believe that if a person really
puts some effort into fixing up what they fucked up, then they deserve a second chance.
Driving six hours to talk to me face-to-face, (after the hefty blow to the head that I sent) is an impressive start. Not equivocating
or making excuses, but opening up (unprompted) with a sincere apology was huge
in terms of setting the stage for dialogue.
To be honest, I really didn’t expect that, and it threw me for quite a
loop. Neither one of us was expecting
to get back together – we were just hoping we could set aside the hurt
feelings, get some closure and salvage the friendship that had been there from
the start.
What I discovered is that there was a whole lot more there
than I had anticipated. I found that the
person I THOUGHT I’d gotten to know last year, really did exist, and that he
had found his courage. So much so that he was willing to do whatever it would take to try
and start over again with me. This included flying out to the west coast two weeks
later to spend New Year’s eve with me, and meet my, *ahem*, rather
dynamic family.
They all really liked him.
And I got prezzies. A NetGear Hub, DVDs and lingerie.
Hardware AND software … a man who truly knows the way to my
heart. J
That’s right. The recently-ex is no longer “Ex”, and this
lioness is purring…
It's not that I NEED to be in a relationship - I just love
the feeling of really connecting with someone on both an intellectual and
physical level. My Myers-Briggs has me as an ENTJ, a “Conceptualist” – and one site
ironically said this about the “mating habits” of female “NT” types….
“The female NT, in particular, may have a difficulty
with sexual responses unless her mate takes the time, makes the effort, and
understands the necessity of making his romantic approach through mutual
exploration of ideas, arousing her mind as well as her body. This is in
contrast to the SJs and the SPs, who do not require as much stimulation of the
mind in order to be aroused. Indeed, it is likely that an NT female will be
sexually stimulated only by a mate who is as bright as she is, or at least by
someone who quality of mind she greatly admires. Obviously, this places the
intelligent female NT in a position of limited choices.”
Yeah. Tell me something I
don’t already know… It doesn’t matter how “hot” the guy is, if he opens his
mouth and DRIVEL comes out… well.. that just KILLS any attraction I might
have. But that doesn’t mean smart/cute
guys don’t exist – I’ve certainly found someone who stimulates my Abby Normal
mind AND my body with equal proficiency…
But as much as I enjoy connecting, I also need my
autonomy - I'd rather be ALONE than in a bad relationship, and that includes
one where I am doing all the work, or one where the other person is utterly dependent on me. Unfortunately,
I have had a tendency in the past to fall in love with people’s potential,
rather than their here-and-now. I’d like to believe that I am over that phase
in my life. No more Pygmalion projects
for me.
I’ll admit that it’s damned hard to find a compatible
relationship with someone I can consider an EQUAL. I’m pretty demanding when it
comes to honesty, openness, and self awareness. I’m not interested in
“settling”, and I don’t buy the bullshit that I’ll be some lonely old crone if
I don’t “lower my standards”. I could get laid every night of the week if I
just wanted sex or to avoid being alone… but I’ve NEVER been a one-night-stand
kind of woman, and I’m not about to start now.
I’m only interested in spending quality time with someone who shares some
(certainly not ALL) of my interests, is financially, emotionally, and socially
mature, but still knows how to have fun, is not afraid of change and growing
and living, and can introduce me to some new things (the same way I will
undoubtedly shake up HIS world, er, I mean, “introduce HIM to new things”). I’m
not looking for someone to “complete” me – if I commit to someone, I want a
complimentary relationship. And I certainly don’t want someone who puts me on a
pedestal and makes me the center of his world. Yech.
“Conceptualists show little sympathy with mates who
look to the Conceptualist to give them wholeness or happiness. To
Conceptualists, "People who need people," are not, as the song from Funny
Girl puts it, "the luckiest people in the world" ("a feeling
deep in your soul, says you were half, now you're whole"). Such people are
sorely lacking in self-sufficiency, says the NT, and need become whole in
themselves, self-determined and self-possessed, for the Conceptualist to
continue loving them.”
Sound familiar?
The truth of the matter is that I seem to terrify most
PEOPLE, not just men, so finding someone who is intelligent, sexy, fun, has
courage, can communicate, whose family I like,
(and that my family and friends like – I DO respect their opinions on the people in
my life) is a tough call. But I give
back as much as I expect, and more. If
I am going to spend time with a man, I truly want an equal.
So, I must admit, I was ready to write this man off after
the collapse of our relationship in the fall.
In the software industry, we have this acronym, MTBF - it stands for
“Mean Time Between Failures”. Usually, the longer the MTBF, the better - like
disk drives. (It's about 10 years now). Given my experience with computer
hardware, and my foray into the “I’m Not Bitter” club, I had come up with a new
acronym regarding the time it takes to ASSESS that a relationship is a dead-end
and get out. I have coined a new acronym: Mean Time Between A Recognized
Failure: MTBARF. With hardware you want the MTBF to be a long time, but with
relationships the shorter the MTBARF the better - that way you don't waste your precious
time and energy on something that is inherently flawed.
So, steeped in cynicism and bitterness last November, I was looking at my MTBARF and had concluded
that at least I was shortening it.
My first serious relationship lasted 13 years (unlucky number?), the
next one was 7 years (a rebound relationship that lasted 6 years longer than it
should have), then 4 years, and this last one was just 4 months. Well, with
that exponential decrease in the time spent on dead-end relationships, I was
convinced I should be able to weed out the next non-participant over coffee!
I called a halt to things in the fall – but it was because I
had the rug completely pulled out from under me. I was so shaken by that experience, that I was convinced
my initial judgment had been flawed – that I had fallen for a projection of
what I wanted to see, and not who that person really was. Tavia, in her very persuasive way, convinced
me to reconsider my conclusions, (that my initial instincts and assessments
were NOT flawed), which ultimately
opened the door to communication, the apology and a restart of the
relationship. Oh, I wasn’t “nice” at
all about it (he’ll attest to that), but I was HONEST, and open, and odd as it
may sound, caring. If I truly didn’t
care, I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Few people survive my verbal boot-to-the-head, much less come
back and figure out how to do the right thing.
He did. That made me sit up and take notice.
As painful as it was, I think that me putting a halt to
things in the fall was probably for the best – it forced a reset on some old,
outmoded communication (or lack thereof) styles, and paved the way, ultimately,
to a more honest and forthright relationship.
So I’m glad I was wrong about the “Impossible”, and I’m
happily eating crow (with mustard and relish) as I type.
Not So Heartlessly,
-Natalie
