It’s
endlessly frustrating to me that, in an age when we can fit computers in our
palms that would have filled a room just 20 years ago, modern medical science
can’t figure out a way to deal effectively (and safely) with women’s
menstruation. And by “deal with it”, I
mean STOP it altogether unless we want to conceive.
In
her short story collection, “Impossible
Things”, Connie
Willis wrote a great story about this very subject called “Even the Queen”, because she was tired of being hassled for not writing about "Women's Issues" - so she decided to write about the ULTIMATE "Women's Issue".
I cannot think of one other "female" thing in my life that so profoundly affects and annoys the fuck out of me as this whole damn monthly cycle of hormones, bleeding and pain. Pregnancy
and childbirth are short-lived, albeit intense episodes, but our
periods, ahhh... our periods... they persist.
You might think that you get a reprieve when you are pregnant. I'm here to tell you that you DON'T. You see, your body just saves up NINE MONTHS worth of periods, and has them ALL, for WEEKS after the baby is born.
IT SUCKS.
The
hell with all this “glorification” of monthly bleeding. I’m not into some
airy-fairy “let’s
dance around the moon and celebrate our menses” crap. It fucking HURTS. And
it’s annoying and it interferes with my life.
I’m not rejecting my womanhood by saying that I hate it now, and have
always hated it. I hate the stupid
commercials on television about stupid “feminine” products. I hate the time,
trouble and expense of dealing with it.
I hate the unbearable cramps that can only be treated with stupefying
amounts of drugs or alcohol – most of which don’t actually kill the pain – they
just make you not CARE about it so much.
You think women are cranky during their periods guys? I'd like to see
how charming and placatory YOU are when you are faced with 2-3
continuous days of pain that feels like someone is stabbing you
repeatedly in the hips and abdomen with dull knives. I can tell you, I'm just
a fucking bundle of joy.
As
for the cost, sure, if you have a drug plan through your work, you can get the
Percocet covered. You can also take Non Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory drugs (NSAIDS) like Anaprox, if you can handle the stomach upset, and risk of perforated ulcers. And
certainly I could avoid SOME of the expense by using one of those reusable
rubber cups- which is all well and good, IF you aren’t clumsy and don’t spill
any on your clothes, and IF you happen to be in a place where you can wash the
thing out before you put it back in - not to mention the whole having to stick your fingers well up inside your twat to get it placed properly. Try THAT in a public washroom at
work. Honestly, some people just don’t
have a grip on reality when they design products.
And
don’t get me started on the irregularity and the clotting! Most guys I know would probably pass out or
barf if they had to deal with the kind of crap we women put up with every
month.
They
can give an 80-year old a fucking erection - I shouldn’t have to wait until
MENOPAUSE, or have major surgery (a hysterectomy) to get rid of my period. I’ve
had kids, I’m not having any more, I don’t need to continue to menstruate.
So
when I heard about the “mini pill”, I thought I’d found my answer.
The
truth of the matter is that we don’t NEED to build up and then shed the lining
of our wombs every month. When we are pregnant we certainly don’t. Rumor has it that when the birth control pill was first introduced,
the only reason they had women stop taking it for a week every month, was to ensure they
weren't pregnant by accident (nothing is 100%), but more importantly because they thought that it wouldn't be accepted if it stopped menstruation completely.
Mini-pills are usually
progestin/progesterone only. They purport to have less side-effects for some women than those which mix estrogen and progestin.
There are several different types of
mini-pill, with different kinds of artificial progestin hormone – all designed to fool your body into thinking it is pregnant. A side benefit for some women on certain types of these pills, is that if taken
continuously, they stop having periods. Period.
I
was thrilled at the prospect of a period-free life, so raised the issue with my
family doctor at my last medical exam.
He said to me, “What are you doing for birth control now?” I replied,
“I’m fixed.”, to which he responded with a sweet and amused smile, “I don’t
think you were ever BROKEN….” Har. Har. Cute.
We
went on to discuss whether or not the mini-pill would be right for me. Since I
don’t smoke or have any other risk factors, he figured it was worth a try. I knew that there would be spotting and
other issues in the first few months, but I was determined to give it a
go. I started on one type, with high
hopes. The first month, I still had a
period, but I was told it could take 4-6 months for them to stop
altogether. By month two, I had a
continuous headache… I didn’t attribute it to the pill until I wound up in
hospital with a migraine that felt like the back of my head was coming off. I’d
never had a migraine before.
When
I realized it was probably the mini-pill, I ended THAT trial. I waited 4 months, and tried again with a
different type of pill. I was
determined to find something that worked.
It didn’t give me headaches, but after 3 months I found I was still
having quite heavy periods, had gained weight, and at least a cup size in my
bra. The boyfriend wasn’t too upset
about the latter side-effect, and felt it made up for any other ones that were
there… Unfortunately, my breasts felt like I was nursing again- tender,
painful, and very uncomfortable. So while it was nice
eye candy for him, it wasn't much fun after all. But that wasn’t the worst of it… as time went on I
discovered an even WORSE side effect: Orgasms were almost impossible to
achieve, AND when I could eventually manage to eke one out, it was so
understated, it wasn’t worth the time and trouble it took to accomplish it. Honestly, a good back scratch felt
better! And as for my libido – let’s just say that it was also severely
impacted. (The boyfriend didn’t seem to
notice the lowered libido, and when I told him about it he said, “So, this
means you are now only 5 times as horny as the average female?”) Cute Sweetie.
I love you too.
Well
DAMN. I wasn’t about to give up THAT part of my life for the prospect of
avoiding monthly bleeding! I mean, sex
is fun, it’s free (with the right person), and it’s good for you – a study at
Queens University in Belfast, in 1997, and several follow-on studies showed
that an active sex life improved your sense of smell, lowered the risk of heart
disease, improved overall fitness, reduced depression and improved the immune
system. Not only does sex FEEL good,
it contributes to a longer and healthier life!
Besides,
orgasms are probably one of the MOST pleasurable free things we can do for
ourselves, with or without another person.
Nobody
told me about the lowered libido or severely impacted orgasmic intensity as a
possible side-effect of this mini-pill, and I wonder how many other women out
there are as unaware as I was… It turns
out that reduced frequency and intensity of orgasms is also a possible side
effect of the regular birth control pill - though the literature cloaks it in things like “reduced
libido”, and "depression". “Reduced” my fucking ass!
More like dead and buried. I'd like to know
how anyone's libido can survive when a decent orgasm is harder to achieve than electing an honest government? Depression? Who wouldn't be if sex becomes just too much trouble to be worth it? Could
this be one of the reasons that people’s sex lives die off after they
get serious? Maybe it’s NOT always
boredom, or the bloom falling off the rose. Maybe it’s the birth control pill
killing her libido? Did you ever
consider that? I wonder how many women mistakenly think they can’t get off with
their guy anymore because he no longer turns her on?
Yes.
My periods are damned annoying. Yes,
I’d love to get rid of them altogether.
But if I am forced to choose between a period-free life and great sex,
I’ll take the great sex any day. I’ve
given up on trying any more of these mini-pills. It seems they just aren’t for
me and I am doomed to suffer on a monthly basis until menopause comes to free
me from the bloody shackles of “womanhood”.
Argh.
Heartlessly,
-Natalie
