Bitchitorial
(The view from the Editor's Chair)
July 6, 2004
I've had a couple of friends try the Online Dating thing recently, with
mixed results... On the positive side, they didn't have to
waste a lot of time and energy with people they could tell were
obviously not a good match right from the start, AND it gave them the opportunity to
meet new people outside of their current social circles. On the negative side,
they DID have to wade through a significant number of toads, desperate losers, and self-absorbed jerks.
I find the whole psychology of online dating sites morbidly fascinating, so I just HAD to have a look and see what was
up. I put up a profile with a nice picture, and a detailed write-up about
likes and dislikes, interests and aversions.
I wasn't rude or nasty to anyone who was genuinely considerate and
respectful. After all, I know it takes some courage to approach a total
stranger.
I did find out that many men seem to get very few responses to
their profiles and advances. Sadly, many of them probably classify
themselves as "Nice Guys".. [queue music of impending doom]
There are more men than women on these systems it seems - I have heard
statistics that on some boards, there are as much as 4 times as many men
as women. I wonder why this is so? Is it that women have an easier time
getting dates and so do not turn to dating services as much? Or are women more cautious than men when it comes to online
dating?
I know that women in their 30's and 40's are certainly pretty
choosy. I've heard rumors that after age 40 for example, there are more single women than single men.
Yet on the dating boards, they aren't there in the same numbers.
I think the reason is obvious: (in GENERAL) Older women are more self-reliant and
independent, and they are less likely to "settle" for the kind of
man+baggage they dated (and possibly married) in their 20's.
Let's take me for example.. the pickings are pretty slim on these things.
I'm 41, have already had kids (who are nearly grown), have a fulfilling
career, and am not interested in men who are either looking to start a
family OR have young kids. I know how hard it is to "blend" a family, I
totally respect how much time has to be devoted to small children, and I
am NOT willing to go there again. I've already paid my dues
thank-you-very-much. And that criteria alone fairly successfully
eliminates 90% of the men in MY age range.
(And that's WITHOUT putting in criteria like "Tall", "2+ patents to his name" and "hung like a horse").
But that doesn't stop them from messaging me. It makes me wonder, does
anyone actually READ profiles? Or do these guys just see a nice picture
and waste money sending "messages" and chat requests to ANYONE who looks
remotely interesting, hoping SOMEONE, ANYONE will respond eventually? Of course
when the women aren't as responsive as these guys expect, they get angry
and upset and some even start ranting about how "ALL women are stuck-up
bitches...", or words to that effect. Some of the plainer looking men even complain
that women only want really good-looking guys. (Of course these same unattractive guys do not message the women THEY deem
to be visually "unattractive"...)
After playing with a couple of dating sites, here is my rather Heartless
and cynical observations:
1.) When he says he is looking for someone who is "non-materialistic"
and likes the "simpler things" it means he is broke and he can't afford
much.
2.) If he's looking for women 10-20 years his junior then he is hoping
to meet someone inexperienced that won't see his shit for what it is,
and will put up with it or mother him. (I actually read a quote from a
guy on a "mail order bride" forum (don't ask - there was a link to HBI
on the site), who said, "I would never marry an American woman who would
have someone like me for a husband".
3.) While looks *are* important to chemistry, if in his description of
"who" he is looking for, the FIRST thing he describes is his ideal mate's appearance, then
he's probably lacking depth and/or real relationship experience (or at least
the ability to LEARN from that experience). After all as Kaz Cooke said, "Beauty fades. Dumb is forever."
4.) If he can't be bothered to write more than a couple of lines in
his profile, it shows he is lazy and/or lacks creativity. A surprising number of
(DENSE) men seem to think that someone who has a detailed profile, is going to
be interested in responding to THEM when their profile has only a couple of lines in it.
Funnier yet are the guys who say things like "great profile! I think we have a lot in common..."
Gee, ya think so? How would I tell? (Honestly, I've seen kindergarten essays that outshine some of these
guys' writing).
5.) Guys, DITCH the CRAPPY photos: This includes:
a.) CROPPING the picture of you with the last girlfriend. PUH-LEEZE! This is SO obvious, and spells "LOSER-IN-3D".
b.) Pictures of you that were SCANNED at 400dpi and are SO FUZZY that the cops wouldn't be able to pick you out of a mug-shot book...
c.) Pictures of you wearing sunglasses and standing more than 50 ft from the camera.
(Who doesn't have a digital camera these days or at least have a friend who DOES? Get a decent photo taken fer crissake!)
You are putting yourself OUT there, MAKE SOME EFFORT.
And while we are on the subject of photos, NOTHING is more HURL-O-RIFFIC than the following "gems":
d.) You with your Dog. WHO CARES? And while we are at in, in your "other photo" collection, we DON'T WANT TO SEE MORE PHOTOS OF YOUR DOG. This spells L-O-S-E-R.
e.) You with a kitten. Oh PUH-LEEZE! We are supposed to see you as some caring sensitive new age guy? It's SO FACILE.
f.) You in front of your CAR. Almost as bad as the kitten. It just shows that you aren't clever enough to have a manipulative side to your shallowness.
g.) Photos of you from 10 years ago, or an age on your profile that is CLEARLY 10-years younger than the current photo (unless you have been a rock-star and have been drinking, doing drugs, and smoking heavily in the last 10 years). Yes, boys and girls, WOMEN are NOT the only ones who lie about their age.
h.) Photos of you with your shirt off. Oh for heaven's sake, get OVER yourself already.
Other helpful hints to the love-lost:
Don't open a "chat" session with a WHINE inquiring if there are any women out there who actually want to MEET men. Desperation isn't sexy.
Don't state you are looking for a "Princess". Believe me, the women *I* know who call themselves Princesses, are NOT women you want to get to know. Not unless you want your soul ripped out through your chest, and your bank-account emptied.
Don't message women solely on their photos, without READING their profiles. If you don't really MATCH that person's stated requirements, she's not likely to respond, and then you'll be yet another one of those losers, complaining IN HIS PROFILE about how women don't respond to his "friendly gestures".
She is your SOULMATE, not your SOLE MATE. Unless you are looking for someone to compliment your footwear.
She is a WOMAN, not a WOMEN, unless you are into polygamy and are looking for more than one to fill the need....
Don't get on a system and then say "I have no credits" unless you are some broke student looking for a quick lay. If SHE is out there, and she's worth meeting, she'll want someone who is not only her emotional equal, but her FINANCIAL equal.
REMOVE the word "Nice" from your profile. Both in who you are looking for and who you ARE. Try words like "Kind", "compassionate", "considerate".
SPELL CHECK your profile before you post it. Use Word. It's great for that.
Don't send messages to women that are 15 years younger than you unless you look 15 years younger, and have the stamina of someone that age.
Don't put in your profile that you are looking for a slim, athletic woman unless you yourself can match that criteria.
As with women, there are certain words you should NOT use in your online "NICKNAME". For the guys, it is words like STUD, HUNK, HONEY, MUFFIN, PRINCE, or MANLY. And while we are at it, ditch names like THE14YOU, KNIGHTINSHININGARMOR, LONELYGUY, etc...
Be fucking ORIGINAL. Don't copy a poem you read from somewhere. Say something about yourself. Take a chance - REALLY put yourself out there. I mean, if you are going to do this online dating thing, then DO IT. Don't make some half-assed attempt.
If you DO open a chat session, have something INTERESTING to say. Ask interesting questions. BE CREATIVE.
Use your REAL photo (not something scanned from a magazine), and make sure it is RECENT. If you are serious about a "long term relationship", WHY would you start it off with dishonesty?
Bottom line - MOST women can see right through the crap and they don't take kindly to double-standards.
If you are serious about meeting someone for a long-term relationship or even dating, MAKE AN EFFORT, look beyond appearances, or be content being on your own.
heartlessly,
-Natalie
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