ANTI-VALENTINE'S DAY CONTEST - Jeff's Date with a Sodden Minnie Mouse
My Valentine’s Day disaster began innocently enough as a blind date set
up by my roommate’s girlfriend. She seemed normal enough upon arrival
until she began to speak. Imagine Minnie Mouse inhaling a balloon of
helium and then add to that a vocabulary of cuss words that would make
even the most diehard rap star blush. But since I wasn’t quick enough in
conjuring up a life threatening disease in order to excuse myself for
the evening, I sucked it up and got ready to take my punishment.
But things went from bad to worse when the Italian restaurant that we
chose to dine at just so happened to be the same choice for an ex
girlfriend I had recently dumped and her new beau with chiseled
features. As fate would have it, we were seated near enough to each
other that she could obviously hear the ear piercing shrieks of a
pterodactyl coming from our table. Especially after my date sucked down
glass after glass of wine which only helped to increase the volume of
her vulgarity. It was only a matter of time before I caught the smug
look of satisfaction on my ex’s face as she realized that she had traded
up while I had most certainly plummeted to the dismal bottom of the
dating barrel.
And just when I thought that it couldn’t possibly get any worse, my
hungrier than anticipated tablemate decided that she wanted to sample a
marinara soaked meatball off of my plate. Unfortunately, the fermented
grape juice she had consumed in mass quantities had impaired her aim and
her jousting fork only helped to lob the beefy ball unto my white shirt.
Needless to say, the familiar laughter of my former flame seemed to echo
off the wall as I slipped away into the darkness of the night with my
stumbling date in tow.
But the evening didn’t end on a total sour note as I had a message
waiting for me on my answering machine after escorting my date safely
home. It seems that I was more appreciated than I had realized since the
phone message from my ex was a very favorable "Looks like you’re still a
fun date!"
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