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ANTI-VALENTINE'S DAY CONTEST - Jennifer's Pirate Date, Arrrrr!

I've been married a time or two, or well, ok, three. Anyway, I've pretty much got the whole "How to Plan a Wedding" thing down to a science but that's immaterial at the moment. It took me a while to come to terms with my history during which time I decided to pretend I was a hermit, or do what my family calls, Pulling a Dietrich. I bought a wonderful house in the middle of nowhere and pretty much withdrew from the world. Eventually I felt ready to go out again and meet people.

Living in a community that had more cows than people in it made introductions a bit challenging so I, like so many in my situation, turned to my friends, co-workers and the internet, to dip my toe into the social pool again. I can say it's been interesting.

I'm going to share with you the story of the pirate date today.

My friend, let's call her Norma Jean, was single and casually dating a fellow that lived fairly close by. He seemed like an easy-going type of fellow. He was friendly, funny, good looking and a hard worker. He had friends. He had one friend in particular, a really NICE guy that wanted to meet me. This friend was also described as being easy-going, friendly, funny, and a hard worker. Norma Jean asked if I would agree to a double date. We would all have dinner together. I said that would be fine-- I mean, it's dinner, right? It would be a simple dinner with one of my best friends and her boyfriend and one of his best friends. What could possibly happen?

The night of the dinner, I rushed home, took a shower, and put on my best blue jeans and a pretty blouse. I washed my hair, paid attention to adding a touch of make-up to my face and a spritz of nice perfume before I jumped into my car to meet Norma Jean. I was a little nervous, but I had my wing-girl and I trusted that this guy wouldn t be an axe murderer since he was the friend of a friend. As we waited for the fellows to show up, Norma Jean turned to me and says, Your date, (Let's call him Angel) is a really NICE guy, but I need to warn you, he has a mullet.

A mullet?

Uh huh.

No sooner had this exchange taken place, and before I could say anything else, the door opened and in walked our dates. They were tall, they were strong, and they were cleaned up. Norma Jean's date was flashing a sassy grin and one eye sparkled when he saw her, while the other eye was covered with a black patch that sort of made him look a bit mysterious- in a good way. I didn't really notice her date at first though, because I couldn't take my eyes off of MY date.

Tall? Very.

Slim? Very.

Clean? Very. Pressed jeans, starched white shirt, cowboy boots

Mullet? It was a damn good thing she had mentioned something about the hair before he got there. If I hadn t been warned, there's no telling what noises would have come out of me. This guy had the most amazing mullet I have ever seen before or since. The back of it reached down well below his shoulder blades. It was curly. It was... it was -shiny- it was coated with something like glitter... it looked like it was sprayed with some kind of Jeri-Curl activator, and he tossed his hair back with his hand as he greeted me.

My date looked like Lyle Lovett in a Rick James wig!

"Hi, I m Angel, you must be Zen. I'm so glad you're such a purty woman!"

After a bit of small talk, dinner was served. I tried not to stare at the hair, but every so often, just as I was getting used to blocking it from the front of my mind, he would flip it back behind his shoulder again. I was getting a bit distracted. I started swilling beer. Fortunately the conversation was pretty basic.

"I'm a really nice guy. Sometimes I'm too nice - you sure are pretty."

"You seem nice and thank you. How do you get your hair to do that?"

"Wash, rinse and repeat."

Eventually we talked about hair products and the trials of curly hair (which all four of us shared) and what a pain a humid day could be for us. I was so proud of myself that I never used the M word.

Then my teenage son stopped by to check on me. He walked in, turned around and walked right back out without saying a word. He returned five minutes later with one of his best friends in tow and a look of devious mischief on his face. (Seems that my darling son took one look at Angel and ran outside to grab his friend because said friend had to come inside and meet Mom's date who had a Mullet From Hell I guess my date night turned into my son's version of high entertainment.) They made introductions to my date and then left again and the conversation resumed. This time about shoes.

Usually shoe-talk is done amongst my girlfriends. We usually talk about cute shoes, comfortable shoes, pumps versus sling backs, cheap shoes, sexy shoes, shoe stores...well, you know. But this time the guys got in on the chat. It was during the shoe talk that the Event of the Evening took place at the dinner table. Angel said he wasted a lot of money on shoes and that people should be allowed to buy single shoes since he had two left feet. I had consumed several beers by that time and so I expressed that nobody REALLY had two left feet. Boy was I wrong. I still say it was a set up. I say I got punked, and I want to know who has the video tape cause there had to be a hidden camera some damn where, because at this point Angel REMOVED HIS PROSTHETIC LEG (which up to that point I was unaware existed) and handed it to me at the dinner table!

I responded as best I could by saying, "Well I guess dancing is out of the fucking question tonight!"

Eye patch, peg leg, mullet, and a profound flair for the inappropriate; toss in a couple of ruffled shirts and it would have been the set of Pirates of the Caribbean... but he was a NICE guy.

Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2009, All Rights Reserved


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