Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...

YOU ASKED FOR IT.

All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

Date: Tue July 27, 2009
From: Sean
Subject: Nice guy

[Dear Auntie Dote...]

Hello,

I recently read your article about "Why nice guys are such losers", and I have to say that this article fits me to a "T". I was in a relationship, or still am by the thinnest of threads, unless I change my ways. I am too nice of a guy, and my gf went off to be on her own (she needed her space), I am very insecure and the jealous type and it's because of me, my insecurities and jealousies get the best of me. We will be together 2 years in August. I kept blaming her and suspecting her of cheating on me, but now I see why if she was, it's ME. Now that I realize the problem, what do I do to correct the problem? I want her to be in my life, but I want her to know I am willing to change or is it too late?, and will she find someone who has the qualities she's looking for?

MAN, WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS EARLIER, DAMNIT!!!! Now I am in fear of losing the best thing that has happened to me. I want to save what I may have left with her. Right now I have my own place, and I am not talking to her as frequently as before, I'm giving her the space she asked for. I am not taking her calls, because I'm learning to let her wonder what I'm doing, and to not be so available to her. Maybe she wasn't cheating me, and she's just going out with different "people" to get out of the norm, and I'm hoping that she's hoping that I will wake up and snap the fuck out of it. I want to be the man she wants me to be, she has said this to me several times, and that she wants someone who keeps up with her, she's very strong willed, and energetic and quick witted. IS IT TOO LATE FOR ME? How can I change? I love her very much, but now I see her frustration.

Thanks for any and all input

Thank you,

Sean

Geez Sean, this letter is agonizing. (so is your pathetic attempts at garnering attention via the membership application form) My personal gut on this is, yes, it IS too late. She's moved on.

And trying to be "unavailable"? Oh dear, you haven't learned much. Not answering her calls is juvenile. The opposite of "Nice Guy" isn't "Asshole". You need to make up your mind, either lay down an ultimatum TO HER, or just move on.

Part two: You need to work on your insecurities. That's a "me" project, not a relationship project. This relationship probably won't matter to you once you work out your insecurities. And buddy, you need to go DEEP. Because insecurity played out as jealousy toward women can turn into controlling behavior, and abuse. It can really ruin your whole life.

-Auntie Dote


Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2009
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